NEW YEAR’S EVE AND ADAM.............
2009 is a stone’s throw away and since we have decided that no terror threat is going to dampen our Surti spirits, its party time folks!
Celebrating the New Year’s Eve is a custom that Surtis have been following since long now. In the late 70’s there were parties held at home by married couples, with home cooked surti food. These had the crème de la crème of surti socialites swinging away in silk maxis to the Abba’s Dancing Queen, Super Trouper or The Beatles best on the gramophoneJagjit Chitra ghazals were played too. Some migrants, mostly of the officer crowd, would have pretty wives, elegantly dressed in sarees swaying a romantic waltz with their husbands.
Mid eighties saw an entire generation of youngsters who were fortunate enough to watch and imitate the style of Madonna, Wham, Michael Jackson on Doordarshan’s ‘Pop stars’. Disco parties were then organised at places like Shree apartment hall and upcoming bunglows,where youngsters set up their own music systems and played out cassettes of recorded English music to full blast. Denim was the dress code. Snacks like samosas from Kailash, Rasna sherbet and Khaman would be laid out at a table in the corner. Friends shared the expense.
Then came the nineties, Surat had its very own band ‘Phoenix’.Surat’s only rock star, the late and very handsome Rajiv Desai was its lead singer, with Aakar Patel[now in Mumbai media] at the guitar and Matu who dazzled at the drums. These were the guys who brought in Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd Jethro Tull, and The Who and rocked the parties. Making guys and gals in baggie pants and t-shirts feel the music. From the mid 90’s, some restaurants went all out to please the crowds with private bashes. Fancy strobe lights, wooden dance floors and professional music systems got included. Food spread boasted of veg and non veg hors’de vours and desserts as well.
The 21st century brought along with it state of the art music systems and D.J’s belting out popular hinglish numbers with trance beats. Farm houses, are converted to party venues now. Whether its Brian Hylands evergreen,’itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini ‘or ‘mauja hi mauja’, the Surtis will be swinging to global tunes this year. Thai and Mexican cuisine will be served, with bar tenders from Mumbai shaking mock tails. Surtis will shop especially for the occasion and visit saloons for a hair do. The colours for this season are aubergine, gold and the usual, black. Some will travel to Daman, Goa, and Mumbai to officially celebrate in ‘high spirits’.
In case you are not a dancer, here are some easy to follow, original Surti moves, try them out now!
1. Kotsafil’’s Kaipo Che-Pretend you are flying a kite and have a mock tangle while you swing your knees in and out ,without lifting your feet.
2.Salabatpura’s swing-Roll your hands around like binding a bobbin and clap to the beat of three while you take two steps to the right and hopscotch back ,repeat to the left.
3. Parle Point’s Pretence-Stand in one place and only shift your shoulders and abdomen to the beat twice to the right twice to left, swing head in the motion of saying no as you move, right hand up with fore finger pointed.
4. Maachi waad mania-Put both hands up and alternate actions to bless the world and change light bulbs, while hips hop to right and left.
5. Golwaad’s gyrations-Put wacko jacko to shame as you belt out pelvic thrusts to the beat of one, two, in, out. Cup hands to resemble snakes that sting the air.
So there, now that you have had the lessons, what are you waiting for dearies? Doesn’t matter if you spend it grooving to the F.M at home, Aaja nachle! It’s the best method to express love, happiness and fun. Have a funtastic 2009!
TAPI TOWN TATTLE-What did the BCCI instruct the Indian cricket team? No Pakking!

SURTI N.R.I.’S CHRISTMAS WISHLIST.............
Last week, I received the Louis Vuitton Christmas newsletter. It gave a sneak peek into their fabulous new collection of the finest leather goods, against the beautiful backdrop of Paris while Sean Connery has done a three series shoot in the Bahamas to market their exclusive products. The letter suggests LV customers to prepare a Christmas wish list.
I wonder what our N.R.I.Surti brothers and sisters are preparing as their Christmas wish list this year. As we all know, every year the Surtis from America and U.K come home for shopping during winter holidays. For stuff silly, not spouses or new teeth!
The cash crunch due to cost cutting has unfortunately seen a recession in visiting N.R.I’s as well. So the poor little rich Surtis are calling up relatives back home to courier their goodies this year. Here is a list of what’s high in demand this season.
T.V. serial inspired Surti embroidered sarees. Sourced from Bombay market and Chautapul, synthetic sarees in multi coloured combination with a network of dazzling salma sitara work. Matched with satin petticoats and stringy backless blouses tailored by a ‘designer’ down the road. Embroidered ,net sarees with brocade petticoats, Parsi resham work and ready to wear chaniya choli styled sequinned sarees are hot cakes for N.R.I’s,this season.

2 gram gold jewellery; which is replicated to look like flashy, real stuff. Heavy chokers teamed with chunky dangler’s and bangles .Set with multicoloured stones to match sarees above. The rising costs have made this option very popular with the ladies who follow new trends. ’Balika vadhu’ style kangans, rhodium polish diamond sets, kundan jewellery, Victorian designs are on the N.R.G wish list.

Papads flavoured with garlic, jeera, dhamta etc. The most amazing ones are made by Jalaram in a little known village near Bardoli -Khoj. Besides papads, tea, dry mango chiriyas, fenugreek and sundried Ponk is also high in demand, as are pickles. Spices, and the popular good quality ‘ras ni hing’-the asafoetida that is the dry powdered resin from tree bark is highly sought after.Charoli,kalonji,shahjeeru is tucked into little zipper pouches as add ons,to balance out the parcel weight.
The process of couriering these goodies is also an art. Since the regular parcel service would cost a bomb, many small time courier services have sprung up in Surat, often run from home, which tie up with the bigger fish and provide cheap service for the local crowd. Goods reach within 4 days to the recipient and everyone is happy. Once the sender delivers the paraphernalia to the couriers; goodies are neatly packed in thick polythene and weighed, then further packed into a larger carton and sent off.
So, dear Surtis, if this season you do not see many hapless husbands carrying shopping bags around the town markets while they obediently follow the Mrs., you know that it’s because most N.R.I’s have shopped through a wish list this year.
Never mind if our marketing strategy is not as stylish as LV, never mind if we do not have any marketing strategy, whether it’s Christmas or Diwali, for N.R.G.’s East or West, Surat is the best!
TAPI TOWN TATTLE-What did President Bush turn into when he was shoed in Iraq? A sitting duck!

HAULE HAULE HARMONY
When Yashraj Films released the music of their most awaited film this year, the janta were in for a surprise. In this age where hip hop ,techno and trance rule the roost of foot tapping music scores, the first music video aired was the song ,’haule haule’ which has a Harmonium playing its most important notes ,while Tablas and Dholaks hark beats in the background ,bringing in the sound of music from an era bygone! Needless to say, the simple song has turned into a huge hit.
In Tapi town, if one needs to buy a harmonium, or tablas, dholaks, nagaras for that matter, there is only one destination.Dhabgarwaad - situated between Limda Chowk and Bhagal ,is the street that has it all. The Surtis of this Sheri are called ‘Dhabgariyas’. They live above their shops.
As one enters Dhabgarwaad,on the right falls ‘Seep’ one of Surat’s first juice centres that Surtis regularly visit to enjoy a ‘ganga jamuna’,kaju anjir’.Seep is also popular with homemakers because it offers free and expert advice on how and where to repair a juicer, mixer, grinder in town.
The kiosks that lead on the bend in the road from then onwards, are owned by old, talented Surtis who carry forward family business of manufacturing and selling various musical instruments.
One of the ‘juna ane jaanita’ shop is that of Thakorbhai Chimanlal Tablawala.In the olden days, the hide of goats and buffaloes that go into the making of tablas, bongos and dholaks ,were skinned off the dead animals in Dhabgarwaad, itself. As generations changed hands in business, the younger ones now call in ready hides from Godhra, Sholapur, and Kolhapur; as is the case with wild wood which forms the frame of these instruments and comes in from various parts of Gujarat.
Tablas,Nals,Kongo etc. are only fitted, repaired and sold from here now.Bethaks’udhanis’ that form the stands on which tablas are settled in as well as tiny hatodis that are used to tune the same are also available. The hammers used to be made of ‘pittal’ once but are now available in iron versions.
Further on, shops on either side flaunt the flavour of the month’s festivals, kites, manja thread, fire crackers, Holi and rangoli colours, umbrellas, walking sticks, horse whips are sold here through the year.
At the other end of this colourful street are a few shops that manufacture and sell Harmoniums. With the demand for the same having gone down, these too have trickled down to a smaller number. ’Venilal ‘carries on the baton since it upgraded itself with selling fancy guitars, keyboards, drums etc. One could easily call it the ‘Furtados and sons’ of Surat.
There is a team of young music enthusiasts that carry on the tradition of selling these simple instruments that produce soulful music. Although they do not teach the same, they do recommend old teachers that run classes around town and visit homes to teach shastriya sangeet to Surtis.
Our city has changed its suburban shades to the beat of the 21st century, yet,Dhabgarwaad in the heart of Surat still renders out sounds of its age old splendour; and who knows, with changing trends of music these days, maybe someday, more Surtis would like to play old tunes too. Till then, Dhabgarwaad hums along in a haule haule harmony.
TAPI TOWN TATTLE-What will Nano prove to be for the common man? Auto rescue!

RED RIBBON DAY...............
During the Mughal empire rule, just beyond the Mughal Sarai-the resting place for caravan travellers[which now houses the SMC offices], there came up an area known as the variyavi bazaar. This area was inhabited by women who ran one of the oldest professions in history, that of courtesans. One of them was a beautiful mistress of the nagarseth, called Suraj; many historians believe that Surat was initially named Suraj after her.
Down the ages, this place thrived on local customers. Over the years, women from different parts of the country and Nepal were brought in here. This area was actually the only officially known red light area of Gujarat. In 1967, a social worker named Leelaben Parekh surveyed this godforsaken place only to find that the maximum idols and photographs of God that she had ever seen in town were actually here! Incense sticks regularly spread aroma within the claustrophobic corridors where no beggar went by hungry and children were educated in the best schooling options available in the area. Leelaben sent her reports to Ahmedabad after which the state government and NGOs regularly set up awareness programmes for this section of women to help them with their health problems.
In the year 2003, the commercial sex workers were driven out of this area by the landlords of variyavi bazaar and an era of the chakla bazaar came to an end. Since rehabilitation for these women was not arranged for, the only aspect of their profession that changed was the geography .To top that, now their section was no more an 'organised 'one nor an official one, so, educating them about health awareness was out of the question.
Our city thrives on the migrant population who work as hired help for Surti Lalas be it in the trade of Textile at Pandesara, Diamonds at Varaccha, Labourers at Hazira.A large scale of this segment is involved in proliferation of premarital promiscuity, multiple sexual partnership with commercial sex workers and high homosexuality .Needless to say it more often than not makes them vulnerable to getting infected with STD.These migrants unknowingly spread the infection to their families as well.
While most countries and cities have film stars, models or religious leaders helping in the cause of health awareness, there are still a few words in Tapi town that often are either taboo or carry a sort of social stigma. One of them is AIDS, acquired immuno deficiency syndrome. Like science teachers in our school days, who would ask us to self study the chapters on the human reproductive system since they were too embarrassed to teach or talk about the same, many Surtis often refrain from discussing about this life threatening fact of life that our generation and the future ones need to be aware of . Surtis often feel that this issue does not concern them.
Health education for our labour clan is as equally important as educating our children. Various NGOs and government programmes run education on AIDS awareness for school children and a certain segment of the migrants, but, most of the workers resort to treatment of illness from various quacks around town which often puts their lives at risk.
While we practice utmost caution for our lives, often the ones who toil for us, fall easy prey due to lack of knowledge. It is one thing to be aware; another to show that you care, because as we all know, in the case of AIDS, prevention is the only option since there is no cure.
TAPI TOWN TATTLE-What will the U.S. visa granted to our called-Modi-fied visa!

ODE TO UNDHIYU..............
As winter sets in, spreading its blanket of chill across the western belt of our country, it brings with it different meaning to different cities. Ahmedabad, 275 kms North of Surat is celebrating with cultural programmes in open air under starlit skies .Its people, are enriching themselves in the wealth of poetry, dance,drama and musical recitals. Mumbai, 275 kms South of Surat is celebrating winter fashion in style, whilst by lanes within Bandra are warming up with pre Christmas marketing. Surtis on the other hand, are celebrating winter with what they do the best-preparing Gujarati gourmet delights. Surtis are foodies and every season brings in with it a special menu for the trimester.
All roads leading in to Surat from Vapi onwards will see smoke billowing from roadside stalls .The farm labourers from the Tapi to Vapi belt prepare a little known dish called the umbadiyu in winter. The umbadiyu is a darker,smoky cousin of undhiyu.Made with wild black papdi from village Bhata, along with yam, sweetpotato, brinjal, it is marinated with ginger and chilli paste then baked in a clay pot which is sealed with aromatic leaves of Kaler and Camboi.
This pot is buried in a hole in the ground, covered with hay and cow dung cakes and burnt for about 40 minutes small portion of this delicacy is put in an earthen kullad at the mouth of the matka to check when its done. This sampler is fondly called a 'daakan[witch]'Umbadiyu is served with green chutney and buttermilk,often relished by the roadside.
The Parsis from Udavada add on eggs and pieces of chicken to the same and call it adadiyu [not to be confused with adadhiyu of Daman which would mean 375 mls of alcohol].
Winter's batch of Sugarcane crop will be put to good use ,grown in the numerous tiny villages that surround our town,carried out proudly in a jingling procession of decorated bullock carts to various sugar factories. Salempak, Methipak, Khajoorpak, Gunderpak are sweets prepared to fight the winter chill. A special khadiya-mundi mutton is prepared in most Khatri homes.Fresh garlic will be chopped for' lasan nu kachu' as well as be sprinkled over vegetables and various egg preparations. Of course our king green millet-Ponk will be much awaited. But over and above all these preparations,the meal that is considered as the ultimate meal in Surati communities is 'Malai,puri and undhiyu'.Many homes in Surat traditionally invite family and friends in winter for the same,the preparation is often marinated overnight for all the swad to sink in.
And this dearies is my salute to the unbeatable,irresistible exclusive Surti preparation that does not taste as good anywhere else ,the world over
–The undhiyu –
'O sweet creatures of Katargaam's creeper vine.You, the green papdi tender as one would ever find,with fragrance that lingers on the fingers that string you,
Surrounded in the richness of yam from Puna Kubharia,plantains ,potatoes,sakariyas,stuffed wild brinjals and what have you ,
Enriched in flavour by seaseme oil and green garlic,prepared on the sim, marinated in a chilli ginger paste; with supple fenugreek dumplings that enhance your taste.
While asafetida and ajwain are tempered to tease,as taste buds tuck in coconut and corriander,thoughroughly pleased.
The epitome of Tapti cooking ,a gourmet's delight ,an art to achieve,an exotic treat,a taste impossible to beat..............here is to you,'O Surti Undhiyu!'

Tapi Town Tattle-The two words that are taboo in friendship henceforth?----Dost,Aana!

STONE AGE TO SPACE AGE..................
For all us wishful Moonrakers out here, Chandrayaan 1 seems to be making dreams come true. Exploring boldly into the final frontier where few men have gone before, to the land of lovers -the Moon .While mere mortals rejoice with the celestial pictures it sends back, very soon, we Surtis will be able to observe the Moon, Space and various Planets through our own Hubble adaptation..................
If you’ve noticed, there is a majestic piece of architecture coming up at the corner of Citylight .With its lofty Cuddapah stone exterior and an interior that will boast of one of the country’s most modern Planetarium and Art mueseum.At present the project is called the Science Centre.
By midsummer next year, the SMC is hopeful to shift and inaugurate the Sardar Vallabh Patel museum and planetarium from Chowk to Citylight. This area originally was part of the Panas cotton farm project that was once a walker’s paradise .Panas agriculture farm still exists albeit now has lost its quaint old charm to more modern roads and crazy traffic flowing within the fields of cotton crop.
Many famous ancient observatories around our country were made in the early eighteenth century by Sawai Jai Singh the second. Known as Jantar Mantar, they still exist in Jaipur, Delhi, Varanasi and Ujjain. A clever politician and keen astronomer, Jai Singh owned all the land between Delhi and Southern shores of Gujarat including Surat, from where he sent out a fact finding scientific mission to Europe.
The museum at Surat was put up in the premises of the Leiy Weaving Shed at the East end of the Mecca Bridge, just across Victoria Garden [Gandhi Baugh].The then collector of Surat-Mr.Winchester,organized setting it up and it was named after him. Locals would call it ‘ajayabghar’or’jadughar’.Housing stones that depicted various phases of the Moon, ancient text, sandalwood carvings,porcelain,stuffed animal,bird species, exotic marine fossils ,exclusive jari and lace work, it used to generate a lot of curious visitors then.
Post Independence, it was revived and renamed Sardar Vallabh Patel museum; inaugurated by Shri Lal Bahadur Shastri on 6-5-1956.Unfortunately, along with the city, it has faced a number of floods in 1959,1968,1970,1998 and of course the most recent and worst-2006.The museum has lost unretreivable valuables in these floods. The department of Museology of M.S.University of Baroda and the National Museum of Delhi have been most helpful in reviving what was left.
Since its inception, the most valuable artefacts on display have been donated by the philanthropic gentry of our large hearted town. As the SMC prepares with state of the art equipment for the new planetarium, the museum in its new avatar will display more than 8000 specimens and is open to donations by us citizens.
Once upon a time SMC had decided to shift it to the fort but now, the museum and planetarium will hold a coveted place in Tapi town.Soon, the Sun, Moon and stars won’t be out of reach for us Surtis.
Tapi Town Tattle-In these days of recession, President Obama has changed the three golden words from ‘I love you’ to ‘Yes, we can’!

NATYASHASTRA NOT OUR SHASTRA?
Around the year 200 B.C, Bharat muni, the venerable sage, penned what is considered the Sutra, the Bible of classical Indian dance, rhythm and drama-Natyashastra. Written in Sanskrit, it is the fifth Veda-a compilation of recitation from Rigveda, melody from Samveda, the concept of acting from Yajurveda and sentiments from Athervaveda.

Natyashastra the oldest existent script on Indian art and culture is the base on which popular Indian classical dances such as Bharat Natyam, Kathak, Odissi etc.are based. It is the path that leads to the divine process of creation of dramatic art and its relation to the Vedas.

If a Surti would want to look up classes offering training for the same, chances are the results would show more dodhiya, salsa, filmy dance classes than those of traditional dance shailees.

While Surtis are eager zealots when it comes to dance any day, they prefer it to be freestyle and trendy.

Traditional dance has but few takers in our town, even when stalwarts like Hema Malini come in to perform a ballet occasionally; it’s more about her star appeal rather than the performance.

For people who deem this culture old fashioned, lets not forget that it has been kept alive through the spirit of people like the Late Protima Bedi, one of the most modern women of her times.

Dance diva Mallika Sarabhai once said,’ people are looking for tarat natyam in Bharat natyam these days’.

’Arangetram’ has turned into a major money spending event, once performed with rented gear and as a tribute to Guru and graduation, it is now a gala social status event .

Since Navratri is now over, Surtis are already gearing up for New Years Eve in December, enrolling and spending enormous amounts for western dance classes around Tapi town. The ‘dancing sirs’ will not only get them from fat to fit with fun, but will also get them geared for celebrating various disco parties held during Christmas season.

Sadly, over the years, the traditional Indian dance classes in town for Kathak, Odissi,
Bharat Natyam, for which we do have qualified Gurus, have stagnated. If you have happened to have learnt it as a child in Surat, you may very well be assured; your kids will be taught by the same guru.

We are yet to have an institute of state level caliber. With few takers and ever rising inflation, it has become difficult for most institutions to break even and progress providing the culture its ethos.

Inspite of which the ‘juna and jaanita ’teachers have held up the banners through come what may circumstances. At a very nominal tuition fee, they distribute ancient knowledge that would be considered invaluable in another city or state.

I recently received an e-mail that depicts the various health benefits of finger‘mudras’ when performed on a regular basis. Health and trend conscious Surtis lapped it up.

I have a bad feeling that just as food, fashion and western dance are accepted and popular in Surat only after they are altered to the Surti version, most people in Laladom would want some fusion in ethnic Indian dance culture, to be inspired enough to follow it.

Knowing only too well, how disastrous the result could be! I mean, can you imagine a Surti version of even the simple Mudras-‘Patak’,’Tri –Patak,’’Ardh-Patak’, to begin with? Now that would certainly be blasphemous!!!!!!

HALL OF HOLLYWOOD FAME………
Cinema has always been a favourite fantasy for Surtis. Way back in the 1960’s, some would actually travel to Mumbai every weekend to watch the latest flick; a ‘propah’ theatre experience!

As times changed, Surtis watched versions of Bond series and Dino movies dubbed into Hindi at upgraded theatres. Present day, in the age of multiplexes, we now have the opportunity to watch an original English movie which is released through the country.

I have noticed that the first 4 days of the release runs houseful shows so we may be rest assured that this trend will survive, provided Hollywood lives up to the average Surti’s expectations.

This is not the first time our generation is experiencing Hollywood in town though. In the 1970’s, just on the other side of Hope Pul, there came up a theatre called Sheetal cinema. It was the only movie hall on the other side of the bridge. A fair ground beside it, held the Ponk festival, seasonally. Till date, our king green millet is roasted in this vicinity.

Sheetal was amongst the first few in its league that provided air conditioning, not to mention the only one that showed English cinema. Every fortnight, would be much awaited by Surtis to visit this dream box for a new movie. Blue Lagoon, Alien, Star Wars, 36 chambers of Shaolin were all experienced by Surtis within the city limits.

The trip to Sheetal cinema was an experience in itself. One would travel by the famous amphitheatre-Rangupvan, inaugurated by Jawaharlal Nehru, pass Gandhi Baugh that was the exotic Rani Baugh during the Mughal rule, to reach the Chowk, a place that simultaneously provides vision of Mughal [killa-fort], English [Navinchand library] and Persian [j.j. training school;] architecture; cross Hope pool, over the then perennial Tapti and there it was, facing Bapunagar slums.

At the foot of the short staircase that led to up to the hall’s entrance, would stand a blackboard. For the convenience of Surtis who studied vernacular language, the entire plot of the movie that was playing, would be hand written in Gujarati. This superb marketing strategy assured packed stalls even for serious movies like The Verdict. Locals would excitedly flock the same and loudly read out the story together. The movie would have a title in Ginglish as well. I remember 20,000 leagues under the sea being called ‘samundar ma adventure’!

The stairs led one to the first level for the stalls and to the second for balcony. All along the walls, aluminum framed glass show cases displayed the next change in form of posters .At first look we kids could gather whether we would be allowed to watch the same or not. Although Sheetal Cinema had no issues with U/A, our granddad certainly did. Unfortunately, inflation and video piracy devoured this hall of Hollywood.

The SMC is gearing up to relocate Bapunagar slums by the Tapti and make a river side promenade soon, to enhance the beauty of our city; as well as pull down the old Hope Pul. Sheetal cinema now resurrected, stands on prime property, will be facing one of the most modern structures in our city .Though it no more shows Hollywood movies, surviving with b-grade Hindi ones; it still is the only theatre that stands on the yonder side of the Sun God’s daughter in Surat that offers the common man a ticket to a dream world………after all that’s what cinema is all about, isn’t it?

BEEDI JALAYLE JI GHAR SE PIYA.............
Homemakers around the country better spruce up their singing skills to render sunidhi’s sultry number with a twist. With the ban on smoking in public places now implemented what better place for the guys to smoke, than at home? But then again, that’s one place most of them usually don’t so its catch 22.
A man and his beedi is private stuff that most men love to perform publicly. The vice it seems is generally developed at a young age when visual fascination by an elder blowing up smoke seems like magic. Then comes the stage of excitement when one has learnt to smoke and can show off. Later it turns into a habit as a stress buster and ultimately turns into a weapon to fight depression, or so one feels.
Smoking like most other vices has great visual appeal, therefore a lot of people think that what you don’t see, you cannot develop. Now that the opportunity is not available, the going is tough for the puff to get going. Many women are happy since the men now have to hide too!
Some brainy businessmen are thinking of putting up a proposal for a ‘sulabh suttachalay’ next to the pee booths by similar name because a man’s gotta go when he’s gotta go they say.
Some dread the thought of the fine ,more so because they now think they will have to pay up girlfriends, wives and moms,everytime they put the butt to mouth.
So called Eco-friendly waste management plants are planning to begin party plots at their sites for smokers where smokers can feel free to blow and put ashes to ashes and dust to dust.
Car companies are very excited about the fact that their product can now be advertised as a smoking zone, till now, people used cars for other fun things .A special smoke screen glass is rumoured to be designed for the fancy upgraded versions.
Smoking zones in hotels are causing space constraint to the same, previously it was just eyewash, all they had to do is put up tags stating ‘non smoking’ and ‘smoking ‘sections, never mind if it blew all around, now they need to make an effort put up a cabin for the purpose.
Doctors, Surgeons, Heart specialists, Mouth freshener manufacturers, chewing gum companies, and saunf supari dealers are all under pressure. They say if the present generation and ones to come after them voluntarily give up smoking and decide to abide by the health route, the crowd above will need to close shop and be out of business.
Government might add new taxes in wake of the loss that will be occurred by the revenue ciggie companies paid up.
Writers, sleuths and self made Sherlocks are coming up with bright new ideas as think tanks for cigarette manufacturers to lure the lost crowd.
Ramadossji might as well be appointed the next finance minister since in this age of pink slips; his one move has generated a whole load of new jobs.
Gujarat government is observing the prohibition week, not booze, silly, its smoke!
Last heard, plans to accuse Bush of spreading so much smoke around the world in the name of anti terrorism were being made. For all you know, we might give him a ‘tadipar’ from our smoke free state for sure.

LAYMAN’S QUICKIE NAVRATRI GUIDE....
The 9 nights of heat, sweat and passion are now in fashion. In case you are a novice or have been out of practice, here is a quick route to uncover Navratri codes. Keeping up with the festive mood, I present the same in accordance to the most popular remix tunes played during swirl sessions.
We first need to be dressed for the occassion.Here are some trendy tips............
Sorry guys, since it’s just koti, kediyu, dhoti for you every year, try to spruce it up with a bandanna and ethnic sling bag. Create fashion fusion to match ‘Rock on’ energy with your kediyu ‘frock on.’
Girls, here we go-
1. Choli ke peechey kyaa hai?-Jolie! Tattoos look hot with halter neck and backless cholis.Add sparkle to yours with swarowskis. Make sure to use water proof ink for temporary ones.
2. Chunri ke neechey kyaa hai? Decorate the border of your bandhni/laehriyu pallu with multi coloured bead tassels and a good luck charm; be a jingle belle.
3. Resham ka lehnga mera, lehnga hai mehnga-Gaji silk and gota are the flavour of the month.choose a base colour and team with choli and odhni in bright colours.
4. Lehnga utha ke chalu-Length of ghaghras this season is about four fingers higher than the ankles. Keep it pleated for a more graceful sway.
5. Ghunghat girakey chalu-Instead of a damni, stitch on a payal at the edge of your odhni for trendy head gear look.
6. Kyaa kyaa sambhaley chalu Ramji? Stay hands free this Navratri, carry your mobiles in ethnic covers tied to cummerbands or as bajubands.
You are now geared up for garba; let’s try out some swinging, it’s easy, just put your ear to music.
1. Pankhida re udi jajo-This nostalgic number is sung in dedication to all the visiting NRI’s and the kabootarbaaz clan who have flown the nest. Most garbas begin with this sentimental song.
2. Odhni odhu toh udi udi jay- Rendered to make sure all girls take care in these times of visual rapists and mobile videos. It cautions against any wardrobe malfunction. Make sure you are well pinned up before you swirl in the human carousal.
3. Dholida dhol re vagad, mare hich levi che-A popular song with the boys who surprisingly disappear to the parking lot during it. Some say they mistake it for ‘dhich’ which means drink in Gujarati.Some also pronounce it as hic.I wonder why?
4. Sanedo Sanedo lal lal sanedo-Ever since this number has become famous, a number of modern remix versions have been put up in the market. The latest one features Bipasha and Mallika in it. A local NGO claims to have requested for its rights to turn it into an awareness song; a message to play safe during this time of the year, a message to practice caution, before the crowds disappear like coneys.
Last heard, Mr.Ramadoss’s office is said to have approached Surtis to ask if they would play the ‘B*^%#! soota ,soota na laga song ‘during the break, in National interest of health; since Surtis swear by profanity.
But the Surtis it seems have politely declined saying’ when the going gets tough, the puff gets going.’
All right people, you are set for the annual fetish ,let the music play and just make your body sway.

MOONLIGHTING;RANDER ‘S RANGOONI NIGHTS.
In spite of always having been one; people often look at me doubtfully and say,’aapko dekh kar toh nahi lagta ke aap vegetarian hai?’Having grown up with two elder, voracious non vegetarian siblings, both of them particularly lean , I never take the above statement as an abasement.I maintain they say so due to my ‘healthy ‘hair and skin.My protective mom says it must be due to my farmer blood broad shoulders, my health freak dad differs, blaming it on my erratic lifestyle.
So when the boss, my editor from Ahmedabad sent me the message to,’ do a piece on Rander scene during iftari.Hog as well.’ the first thing I did was pick up the phone and tell parents that my stand on the ‘protein power looks’ issue stood vindicated. Since, all that boss knows me by, is my photo herewith.
Next, I resorted to pure gumption to gather a gang for the mission. It was complicated. There are various kinds of foodies in Surat-The pure veg, the Jain veg who do not eat onions or garlic, the vegans who abstain from lactose, the chickenetarians [no goat], the weekly non veg [none on Tuesday/Thursday], the meat and chicken but no beef and pork and finally the ‘pure’ non vegetarians. Also the eggetarians, to which I belonged.
My gang had all of the above and an anorexic friend who didn’t belong to any of the above. The Jains joined in, not to lose their religion but to visit Manibhadra; the yaksha God, whose temple in Rander is reminiscent of the ancient 200A.D.Shanprat rule during which numerous Jain derasars were built in Rander. Thousands of people throng this place especially on Thursday; belief is all your wishes are granted if you pray here.
Centuries ago, residents of this southern end of Bharuch would travel to the foreign shores of Arabia, Sudan, Bangkok, Burma from the port of Rander, in search of a livelihood. A lot of Burma teak and fine, bright coloured porcelain was shipped in from Yangon which travelled to the royalty in India. Till date antiques are sourced from here. Old homes in Rander are made of Burma teak. The Rander House in Rangoon at present houses The Internal Revenue Department. Post the third world war, trade started deteriorating and by the time Burma [Myanmar] was Independent in 1950, hundreds of Muslim Diaspora, forced to give up business and property, had returned back to Rander-now the city of mosques.
The Yangon connection inspired flavours of Burmese cuisine. The food at Rander is therefore different from the other ghettos at Chowk and Zhampa bazaar; where chicken tangdi and tikkas, mutton raan and chaps for iftari are available along with machhi pav, mutton salan for the morning Sehri.
Rander has receipes like the famous Rangooni paratha-succulent meat pieces enveloped in thin layer of maida, egg and deep fried as a rectangular delicacy, a version of Chicken khowsuey [locals call it khausa] prepared with steaming spaghetti, thin, chicken curry with a coconut milk base and garnished with dry puri pieces instead of Sali wafers, with a sprinkling of spring onion greens. Also, much relished are the machhi masala chicken and aloo puri-thin small maida puris served with bits of chatpata aloo topped with onions, lime and chilli. Silver chicken, marinated in green chilli garlic paste, roasted within foil. Of course, the usual boti kebabs, tandoori chicken, chicken 65 and eggs to order are also available. Dessert offerings are kullad phirni and various flavours of sancha ice cream and kulfis of which Guava and Durian fruit ones are rare and exclusive to Rander. Many homes here are converted to ‘family room’ for dining.
Rander mela began in 1938 at the Chunarwad Masjid alley, next to a beautiful imaret maderesa; a place to provide hungry Muslims food post the evening azaan to break their Ramzan fast. Till date, little kiosks of paraphernalia for midnight shoppers offer prayer beads, embroidered burqas, talcum-toiletries, replica sneakers, cheap Chinese toys and concentrated ittars.The street is quite civil and serene through the night, with a heavy aroma in air and sizzling sounds of tava cooking. Today, the retired ‘raizees’ of Rangoon rule the streets once a year, moonlighting with receipes carried down the ages. Many just work during the month of Ramzan.This is a city within the city in an age of bygone era and when the new moon is cited at the month end, it will be Idd,its New year.
Everyone returned home happy. Then, my father called to ask if the title of my column meant khoob –soorat [lots of face].

ONEROUS SOORATS OF OUR U.P.BROTHERS................
Bidhna ne ek purkh banaya, tiriya di aur naeh lagaya.
Chook hui kuch wa sey aisee, des chhod hua pardesi.*
These lines are a riddle by Amir Khusrau,India’s esteemed ,prolific poet .He who is known to have introduced ghazals to the world, whose tender words ignite love into hearts and spring tears into the eyes.Khusrau was a master of both Hindi and Persian ; his couplets often intermingled the two languages, bringing out new meanings from the puns involved. He hailed from Uttar Pradesh, the soil of origin of Ramlila and Qawallis.
In fact Uttar Pradesh has literally been the abode of our country’s best literature.Valmiki and Vyaasa,Kabir and Ghalib,Premchand , Vishnu Sarma [ Panchtantra],Mirza Hadi Ruswa[umrao jaan],Naushad to Majrooh Sultanpuri the list is endless. Famous freedom fighters, most of our Prime Ministers, numerous talented actors, directors, musicians and singers are from U.P.-The birth place of Lord Rama and Krishna.
Closer home, there are various faces of talented and hard working U.P.bhaiyyajis that we see in our day to day lives.........
Other than the educated babu brigade in white collar jobs, our dependence on this community is phenomenal.
The first phone calls that go out in the morning from most sub urban homes in Surat are those to the vegetable vendor .One of whom is Mishraji and his troupe of men at Parle Point ,ever ready to home deliver ordered goods .Whether its broccoli or bhaji, kiwi or kakdi.He makes sure that his clients are always happy .Sardar market, Surat’s wholesale subzimandi ,is abuzz as early as 4.a.m.with men like Mishraji who make sure that they hastily carry fresh farm produce to all the nakas and sheris of Tapi town.Whats more ,if you ever need a maharaj[cook] or driver ,Mishraji’s network is far more trustworthy and effecient than any other placement agency to find someone apropos to the job.
Most of the security guards and elevator operators in apartments and at offices; not to mention the energetic Man Fridays around the textile market who toil relentlessly under heavy burdens are from the land of Nehru.Also, industrialists who run looms and weaving machines, prefer labourers from U.P.since they work the hardest often putting in 24 hour shifts in exchange of meagre compensation. Resorting to just a quick break for khichdi and aloo pyaaz sabzi as relief. Rare for locals to do that.
During the Plague and post the floods, when most Surtis abandoned town, it is this community who stayed back, working away due to their vulnerability, even as things slowly paced back to normal.
The steaming chai lahris from Varaccha to Pandesara,that constantly concoct refreshing cuppas of cutting tea, the innumerable Benarasi Paanwalas from Citylight to Chautapul who artistically prepare ‘teen items’ and ‘magai jodis,’the enthusiastic dhobi from down the road who steam irons out the worst machine washed creases,people who make day to day life easy,people who inconspicuously play important roles in our lives invariably are bhaiyyajis from U.P.They have smoothly woven themselves into the warp and weft of our city,easily communicating with and reaching out to Surtis from all walks of life. Siesta loving Surtis would rather find an easier means of living than slog.
Take an autorickshaw ride around Tapitown and you will get to know interesting tales from the native of India’s heartland.80% of Surat’s rickshaw drivers are from Uttar Pradesh. Gentle prodding often results in a great story from the lonely choras of Ganga kinaras; who lead lives of’khoon, pasina and ganja.’ I once learnt how Benarasi bhang is smuggled into the town hidden neatly among packets of sing -channas that are brought in with the migrants. Consumed to celebrate happy occasions, it is provided generously to all who come asking for it during Holi, Shivratri and other festivities.
Surtis are passionate about food .Other than their staple diet, they regularly relish, naans and Paneer makhani, Soda shikanjvis, Samosas and Nalli Niharis, Dum phukt biryanis and tikkas-kebabs; in short all the cuisine from the land of the Nawabs.Most of our restaurants and bakeries have chefs and bakers from U.P. Masters of the North Indian cuisine; they provide Surtis yummy, finger licking delights.
Easily the largest community involved in laborious jobs around our town; for them their work is their worship. A way of life however difficult the chore. They believe each city has its own special field.’ Delhi mein rajniti, Lucknow mein khaana, Jaipur mein ghoomna, Mumbai mein phillum line aur gaana, Surat mein, ’toh note chaapney ki machine hai, mehnat se paisa kamaana ki.’ Is their mantra.
Ask any of them ,’Bhaiyyaji aap kahaan ke hai?’ and the prompt reply generally is ,’Hum Hindustani hai.’Little wonder then that they speak in Hindi, our National language, the Lingua Franca that makes them feel at home irrespective of whichever part of the country they choose to make their abode.
*‘God created man, provided him body and soul; But alas! The man committed a mistake, had to leave home and be a foreigner.’That’s the translation to Khusrau’s riddle; the answer to it is –Adam.

SINGAPORE SLING, SURTI STYLE……
Whoa! Hold on people before you rush to get your cocktail shakers and potent mixtures. This is not the recipe for a desi version of Singapore’s signature drink. This one is about Tapi town’s wishlist.Ever since the town has been marching towards steady growth and progress faster than most others cities of the world and has been referred to as Gujarat’s financial capital, many Surtis have been seeing the dream of ‘Surat banshey Singapore’. What if Surat were to be Singapore?
Here are some places around town that can be converted to look like the most popular spots of the world’s financial capital…..err, almost…………..
Adajan-Sentosa Island: Since we do have SMC’s much awaited underwater world project coming up here which promises to be bigger and better than the one in Sentosa. To achieve a more authentic approach, we can take a boat ride or construct a cable car ropeway to access it just like Sentosa. Adajan also has a long stretch of land overlooking the Tapi waters where water games and a sound and laser light show can be organized. But Sentosa now has majestic, state of the art, swanky casinos being constructed on it by the owners of Genting highlands, which the law of our land will not permit. So its tough luck for us Surtis.

Tapi river promenade-Clarke quay, Boat quay: The hot n happening place for young tarangs.Music, masti and magic. Till the wee hours of the morning, this place is rocking with its pubs and clubs along the Singapore River. Barbeque and beer along with shooters and hooters are what keeps Clarke Quay flowing with crowds. With SMC planning a riverside promenade by the Tapti in place of the present slums, we could convert it in Clarke Quay, but, wait a minute; booze is taboo in Tapi town so we will have to dampen our spirits and give this a miss as well.

Ghodod Road-Orchard road: Singapore’s famous street that boasts of the world’s best labels from one end to another. Dior and Vuitton rub shoulders with Ferragamo and Chanel. Not to mention the fancy restaurants where the crème de la crème stop by for a quick bite. Our ghodod road is a hotspot haven for shoppers too but it houses scores of unpretentious, tiny shops that do brisk business selling replicas and has hawkers who prepare chatpata sevpuri and yummy vadapav.I have a bad feeling that Takashimaya, Tangs and Robinsons do not have exactly that kind of neighbourhood in mind to branch out; lest they commit a fashion faux pas.

Sarthana zoo- Singapore zoo-This one is pretty close since the Singapore zoo is home to a lot of Indian animals. We also have an enviable butterfly park and aviary in the making. The hindrance here dearies is the timing of the zoo. Whilst Singapore allows visitors from early morning through the day and shares part of its premises for the night safari too, our sarthana zoo functions only for hours few. Singapore’s zoo is one of its highest profit raising tourist spots with animal shows and souvenir shopping provisions; whilst ours will need steep funds and high maintenance to survive ever rising costs.

Dumas-Marina Bay view –Well, we could have resorts planned here and hotels with a view to the Arabian Sea .A Merlion spouting water would be out of question considering the poor dear could choke on the often found dead Dumas fish. Sun bathing, beach volleyball and surfing would be on the Surtis to-do list. Alas! Dearies both you and I know for a fact that dear old Dumas is a beach sans any sand. So unfortunately, this one does not qualify for a makeover like the much in demand reclaimed bay view land.

Surti Flyovers-Singapore Flyer: I know it is not a 360degree panoramic view of our town from atop our ever collapsing man made blunders, but we do have a 365 day access to picnic and stroll over our various flyovers. Surtis visit their flyovers and bridges every Sunday, to park and party the evening away. Unfortunately, after hoardings have been used to hoard bombs, our popular party spots are right now off limits and there is scarce scope to view the town leisurely from over them.

Whether Chautapul becomes China town or Malls turn into Mustafa Centre remains to be seen. All we are left with for now is the dream of an entirely clean, green, Surat. The closest thing we have to Singapore at present is the Singapore Ni wadi in Rustumpura; where the khatri community [that has many N.R.I. s in Singapore] proudly celebrates all its happy occasions.
Frankly, methinks Surat is great the way it is. After all said and done, if Surtis really want it to, Surat surely can be Singapore some day; the question is can Singapore be Surat for a day?

SUREFIRE SURTI VISAPOWER....................
In wake of the most powerful man in Gujarat being denied authorization to enter the U.S of A, there is hearsay that Gujarati Diaspora are on the hunt; apparently, they are looking for the person who granted Bush and allies visa to Iraq.
People are also saying that some sentimental Surtis in Washington, supposedly protested outside the White House singing Altaf Raja’s classic,’Tum toh therey pardesi, saath kyaa nibhaogey?’But the White House feigned ignorance.
Rumours are rife around Tapitown that certain social service groups have pulled up their socks to publish pamphlets that give important tips on how to obtain visa; for the benefit of non Surtis.
The visa pamphlet will be state of the art, after all VIPs will be reading it. Obtaining a visa, particularly to America is as easy as apple pie for us Surtis. Most of our town and hundreds of villages under its jurisdiction have family or friends residing there through sheer Surti skills. Looks like the Surtis are hell-bent on proving that one need not be a rocket scientist or score an aptitude excel to procure an endorsement from the land of uncle Sam. Anyone can get one.Errrr........well, almost.
Speculation is soaring that there might be a Surti survey, asking us to pool in our thoughts and ideas too. A little bird told me that the‘kabootarbaaz clan’ will even be paid for sureshot tips.For the benefit of Non-Surtis [who will need the tips], the pamphlet is supposed to be printed in a bilingual format; Hindi and English. I have for you an exclusive sneak peak on a few of the tips that are proposed for printing..................
In English it will say’ Visa power-Go get it.’ The Hindi one is’ Kabootar ja ja-Dhoondtey reh jaogey.’
1.Dhandhey pey dhyaan do-First of all, officially change your surname to Patel.Next,prepare a blue print of a motel and a proposal for setting up one .Name any remote location in America where you want to set it up, there are never enough motels in the U.S..Visa provided -10 years.
2. Mein bhi Madonna-Join a singing and dance troupe for the upcoming Navratri festival.Enroll yourself for singing classes and render out a ‘sanedo’ in the visa office. Make sure they stamp on ‘granted’ before they run for cover thinking it’s an audio terror attack. Visa term -3 months.
3. Bhavna o ko samjho-Arrange a mock marriage with your visiting friend, cousin or stranger from the U.S., take along enormous wedding picture album for authenticity. Make sure you have the mehndi pics too. Yankees love tattoos. Visa power-green card nominee.
4. Chak de kamaal-Organise a team of players who play lakhotis, gillidanda and ambli pipli.Tell the authorities you need to create worldwide awareness towards these sports for official entry to the 2012 London Olympics since Gujarat has no representative for the same, yet. Visa permit-6 months.
5. Dur Darshan-Say you need to attend an international seminar of an Indian guru gyaani.Since tickets are not available for national ones and Indian electronic media is advising ‘baba-darr, shun’. You will also tour to visit temples abroad and throw in a trip to the Grand Canyon on your to do list; never mind if you end up going to Vegas instead. Visa wish-1 year.
6. Bachey budhey aur jawan-A popular one for family transfer; Gather neighbourhood kids, adults ,oldies and prepare an invitation of cultural inter school camp/medical treatment camp/Disneyland trip. More the merrier also has added benefit of a free ticket. Visa required-2 weeks [often self converted to lifetime]
Unfortunately, our esteemed chief minister cannot avail any of the above tips. He is a famous figure and a CM, not a common man. Since 2005, he is being sanctioned only a VC [video conference] and not a visa.
Tattle from a loose tongued Dallas Surti last week was that he had heard that American Gujaratis might shift the Chalo Gujarat celebration venue from U.S. to China next year.
Then there was word from the educated New York Surtis that all important Gujarati NRIs might visit Gujarat next year.’ What is that one about the mountain going to Mohammed?”They asked.
Many Surtis now feel that in future,our CM should refuse to visit America. Even if they roll out the red carpet for him and allow him a bumper diplomat package deal, he must deny the desire. It is said Surtis are very hurt; by repeatedly denying permit, they feel Washington has violated his human right, the right to an American visa.
For,when it comes to visas or permit, Surtis maintain,’Haq se maango!’

SINDHUDURG: SPONSORED BY SURTI SPOILS.............
‘You think we should get our signboards translated in Gujarati, to make Surtis aware of the state language?”I was solicited at a party last Saturday.
‘How would that help the language?”I questioned.
‘No, I mean to Roman Gujarati like Ahmadabad’s advertising boards that write ‘Na hoy!’ in English and ‘jhed blue’ in Gujarati.
‘You mean Jade Blue? Yes? But how will that promote the state language?”
‘Hmm.....our traders are lucky we don’t insist on them to change shop names to ‘Dhiraj Na poiraao,’ ‘paschim baju’ and so on, to benefit the vernacular verse. Why don’t you write a piece about how tolerant Surtis are?’I was then asked.
’I did one, on how we always have welcomed migrants from all over the country ,the world and have even adopted many of their customs.’
‘And which other city in the world would proudly, with great respect, have a statue on its main road of a warrior who had once sacked the very city?’
‘None that I know of. Shivaji, Chatrapati is considered one of the greatest conquerors in the history of Indian warfare. He was also known to be an intelligent and just ruler who showed respect to all places of worship, preists of all religions and protected women and children.’
‘Did you know Shivaji raided Surat 16 times?
‘Well, he was known to be a master strategist and a brave warrior. History says he plundered Surat twice, once in 1664 and then in 1670.The first time was considered as an act of revenge because Shiasta khan had looted Maratha territory. The Mughals who then ruled Surat were not prepared for his invasion, so Surat was sacked .It was the richest port and also the pride of the Mughals. The Mughal governor, Inayat Khan was known to be corrupt, though Aurungzeb had ordered an army of 5000 to be appointed, he had hired only 1000 soldiers to defend Surat and pocketed the rest of the money. He locked himself in the fort of Surat and failed to protect the town as well as the Mughal and Portuguese trading centres; but the British governor George Oxenden and his men, put up a brave fight, thus protecting the English factory from invasion.
‘Shivaji looted Surat and jumped his horse over the river, dumped all the riches in the Tapti.’
‘He knew better than to do that. The loot was stored in the cellars of the Raigadh fort. Most of the money [more than a crore in the first raid of 1664] went towards creating a standing army and navy that was disciplined and well paid. A large part of it also went in the making of the fort that is considered Maharashtra’s glory-Sindhurdurg; meaning the fort in the Sea. Nestled at the foot of the Sahyadri mountain range, on the Konkan coastline, surrounded by the Arabian Sea on three sides. It took 4000 mounds of iron for casting .Its foundation stones were laid down in lead which had to be brought in by boats since sea was the only route of access.Sindhurdurg has many temples, wells, a sweet water lake and a secret passage to escape from within it. It is, also, the only place where a temple of Shivaji stands.’
‘So, you are saying that this grand architectural wonder-Sindhudurg was made by the money that belonged to the rich traders of Surat?’
‘Well yes, but after the plunder, to the victor went the spoils.’
‘Do you think we should approach Mr. Raj Thackeray with this detail? I mean, he does so deeply understand the glory and pride of a state and its people. He says he fights for the cause of justice to history.'
‘Yes, but what do you want to ask of him?’
‘Why, renaming Sindhudurg of course! I am sure he would agree to at least a Gujarati signboard, with a brief history; for the benefit of Surti tourists.’
Needless to say, I was speechless.

SOS= SPIRIT OF SURAT...................
We live in these times, where ‘fear factor’ is not just a daring reality show with Akshay kumar and 13 beauties but also a way of life for us. These days, humans protect places of worship to God. After innocent Ahmedabadis bore the brunt of some of the worst terror attacks the country has ever experienced, it seems Surat was supposed to be next in line when the faceless cowards planned city,city,bang!bang! Or was it? As speculation along with innumerable rumours surround us it seems as though nothing can shock us Surtis anymore. It is not as if we treat death or issues related to it as frivolous, but fact remains that our aam janta is handling this matter quiet casually.
Surat’s favourite new reality show on t.v. is the live coverage of the discovery and defusing of non functioning live bombs. Found around prime crowded areas, within Tapi town. In these days of high alert, it seems the Surtis have proved to be more alert than the governing bodies. Almost all the explosive material has been discovered by Surtis .As if that was not enough; a couple of Surtis calmly carried these bombs and left them in the middle of the road or near a police station for further investigation! Thank God for small mercies, the bombs turned out to be ‘sursuriyas’ [kaput crackers].
The bomb defusing ceremony seems to have turned into a circus of sorts. Once the lime green packet is found [all so far in same colour], 25 and counting, the press reaches there and hoards of people gather around taking personal videos on their mobiles. Then, after the Surtis discuss how the bomb was discovered; the Surti bomb squad-our brave gang of 4 arrives on the scene. Do note that at present we have just one protective bodysuit between these brave men. So, one of them wears the gear but not the helmet [too heavy and claustrophobic] whilst the others assist in plain clothes and bare hands.
The bombs are then picked up, dissected and defused. All this is witnessed by hundreds of people from close distance as they cheer and capture the moment in their mobiles. The bomb squad is made to pose for pictures, holding the dissected paraphernalia. What is it that makes this team so brave? How on earth do they show the courage to defuse live bombs so casually? Are they not worried because these bombs are low impact ones? Also, most Surtis are treating the matter as an entertainment event. One does hope that in the coming days, some adventurous youngster does not try to ape this act! The public probably think this is a piece of cake to handle. Let’s not forget that the bomb in adajan garden that blew up on 25th of May this year might have been a trial run.
On the business front, Surtis who earn from Rs. 50 to the ones that earn RS.50, 000 daily are complaining that business has seen bad days and will further suffer if they stay indoors, so in spite fear in their hearts; they are trying to resume a normal worklife, even if it is for a limited time period. As far as their personal lives are concerned, some are thinking of taking a holiday and yet others are finding means to entertain themselves indoors with card parties, watching movies in their home theatres or organising parties at private farms. The Surat standard time for socialising now begins at 8p.m instead of 10 p.m.

The lesson that Surtis have learnt in the past five days are-
1. Everybody now knows who the mayor is and what he looks like.
2. The administration is, as clueless as we are.
3. Cautious Surtis are the sole reason that our city has been safe so far.
4. The new colour for danger is lime green not red.
5.’There is no need to fear’, our C.M.has bravely stated this advice .
SOS-The signal used as a sign for save our souls in times for distress, stands for ‘sursuriyas of surat’ it also stands for ‘Spirit of Surat’ and that dearies is what keeps us ticking.

DAY TAALI! SURTI SWING IS KING………………
Is it just me or are the Surtis swinging as they walk these days? Methinks the reason behind their graceful gait might very much be the fact that garba classes have commenced .All around Tapi town, from varachha to piplod, citylight to ghodod, parle point to choriyasi dairy road; Bachey, budhey and jawan Surtis are giving it a go to learn dodhiyu in these times of dearth e disco. Its legal dating for the young lovers, de stressing for the elders and skill attaining for the kids. Also for a tuppence of an amount, you get to work out for three months and lose weight as you joyfully dancercise to jhankaar beats.

I know dearies that the nine nights of Navratri are still a couple of months away but what on earth can hold back us fun loving Surtis? The festival is a season of brisk business for many. Enthusiastic Surtis prepare for the same, way in advance. First there are these garba classes, then there are the garba dresses on which unlimited time and moolah are spent .Designing for this season’s Navratri wear has already started full swing, in the backlanes of Maniyara Sheri from where the most popular creations come forth. The trend this year in garba gear is sure to be a cosplay of films like Jodha Akbar. Gota borders will add glitter and glam to skimpy cholis, flowing ghaghras and dhoti- kediyas.Surtis love dressing up and partying and what better way other than this - an entire trimester of Fashion, fun and dance to enjoy and celebrate.

In the 50’sand 60’s, temples and sheris were the only place where Navratri was celebrated. It’s a trend that’s fondly carried on till this date where single, double and triple clap garbas are performed to devotional songs sung in praise of Durga Ma’s nine incarnations. The women folk then started performing arvachin [modern] and prachin [ancient] style of ethnic garbas in mahila mandals. Also, municipal schools held garba competitions on the day of Sharad poonam which later were performed at Surat’s famous amphitheatre-Rangupvan.The 70’s and 80’s saw a more modern trend with dandiya and’ disco dandiya’ coming to age where both women and men dancing to frenzy on filmy music celebrated Navratri in freestyle at community halls or rented grounds. By the mid 80’s, visiting Ahmedabadi’s showed a new way of swirling to us Surtis, that was when the dodhiyu first came to town full fledge ……
This fancy new style became a rage as Surtis swung in, out and all around to get the dodhiyu right. As if the steps were not complicated enough, the hands too were to be twisted and turned without climaxing into a taali [clap]! That of course was just the beginning I mean the 6 and 8 step dodhiyu is just a base for fuddy duddies these days. Surti dodhiyu today has more ingredients in it than Surti undhiyu! We are into the 36 and 42 and still counting, steps these days; with prance fervour enough to put peacocks and butterflies to shame! In actions that make you forget whether you are going to or fro, the dodhiyu drill puts your head in a dizzy spell for sure. No wonder one needs to practice from right now if, in the garba season, one wants to part of the performing crowd.

Most of the classes are run by talented youngsters; they all begin with a small prayer and offerings to goddess Amba, who resides in the centre of the swirling human circle. Dodhiyu these days is performed to popular numbers from films and Falguni Pathak’s garba hits. In case you plan to join one, here are some tips-
Find one which is well ventilated and close to your home.
Stick surgical medi tape to protect your toes [footwear not allowed]
Carry a bottle of water or lemonade to replenish.
Wet tissues are a great idea in these humid days.
Wear stretchy, comfy, cotton clothes.
So go for it Surti, put your hands together and de taali to day time taali! Since the 9 nights of passion are still miles away; hang loose and let the dodhiyu dhamaal make you sway.

BEST BAKED SURTI BISCOTTIS ………….
India has proudly produced a record 76.78 million tonnes of wheat in the year 2007-2008.In the wake of which we will not need to import wheat from foreign shores this year, unlike the past two. There was a time in the bygone era when our country always had a surplus of wheat. François Bernier, the famous French physician to Aurangzeb wrote in his book of travels in the 17th century that India had enough wheat to feed chapattis and naans to the entire nation as well as a surplus to make cheap sea biscuits to feed the English, Dutch and Portuguese sailors. In the 19th century, ‘Hindu biscuits’[they were made without using egg white as glace or animal shortening] an Indian version were prepared in desi tandoors and were a much cheaper option than the expensive imported tins of biscuits by Huntley and Palmers.

The earliest history available on baking in Tapi town is that of the Dutch factory bakery. The building that till recent times functioned as our General Post Office, situated opposite the Dutch gardens was originally a Dutch factory. During those times 5 Parsi gentlemen were appointed by the Dutch to knead bread dough for their bakery since Surat did not locally produce commercial bread then. Upon leaving India, the Dutch left their ovens to one Mr.Faramji Dotivala; who then provided bread loaves to the remaining Colonial community in town. After the English left, since bread was looked upon as Christian food, it had few takers and thus the stale bread often dried up .Since it was fermented with toddy, it did not catch fungus but lost all moisture and turned hard. This stale bread found its way to the poor who relished it and found it easily digestible as well. So the bread buns were made smaller and specially dried to be sold as biscuits. It is said that doctors often recommended these as convalescent food to patients.

Later a richer version of the same was introduced by adding ghee to the dried buns and thus the Irani [sadi] and Batasa [makhania] biscuits originated in Surat.Also, the Surti sweetmeat-‘dul ‘made with the plain flour,semolina, flavoured with nutmeg and cardamom was oven baked and the ‘nankhatai’ was invented. Surat’s oldest bakers are the Parsis with their pioneer-Dotivala followed by Saher,Mazda and Khurshed bakeries. Till date these are most popular and sell off freshly baked products between dawn to dusk.

Other bakeries came in much later selling prepacked snacks and fancy iced pastries along with local goods. The Rudarpura area has a Sheri named dahifalia which is now known as the’ bakery moholla’ since most homes here have a ‘bhatti’ running that produces various baked products for the outlets of The New India bakery. Aptly named since it began post Independence in town, its shops are all around from Zhampabazar to Adajan, Bhagal to Parle Point. Surprisingly, the entire Sheri uses the same name for separately owned outlets!

The puff biscuit -‘khari’or ‘padvali’ as it is called was so named because of the layers that it consists of. It is available in various versions of pepper, jam, fenugreek etc along with its most popular plain avatar.Ginger, sesame, cashew, jowar, cocoa, coconut, pepper along with various flavours and essences have all found their way within our baker’s dough and we have infinite local biscuits to choose from. The yeast used for baking is now a derivative of hops and potatoes since post Independence use of toddy has been banned due to its alcoholic nature.

Our local biscuits are hot sellers right from roadside teastalls to the aromatic bakery shops. Whether it’s Shrewsbury or wine cakes, cashew nut macaroons or vegetable puffs, vanilla twists or ravakopra mix, all are available to us Surtis.Even though most bakery products are similar; they differ in taste according to the wheat flour, fat and finish used in preparing them so ,Surti homes have their own favourite bakeries. Visitors to Surat often carry back Padvali, Batasa and Nankhatai neatly packed in cardboard boxes because the original Surti swad of the same is matched by none other in the nation.
So dear surti, before you call out for that second cuppa morning chai, make sure you call in for a fresh batch of warm, local biscuits from down the road. The best way to enjoy them is to dip and nip.After all desi biscuits should be relished in a desi way, what say?

SURTI NAMESAKES; THE STORIES WITHIN…………..
‘Whats in a name?’ asked Shakespeare’s Juliet,’ That which we call a rose, by any other would smell as sweet.’ Who better than us Surtis would understand these lines? After all, our Gulab ben from down the lane goes to America and literally turns into Ms Rose [though am not too sure about the fragrance bit]. While the country’s hottie, miss .Shetty considered it infra dig to be called out by an ill pronounced name and made big bucks on’ Big brother’ in the bargain; most Surti NRI’S are ever ready to turn their names around. So, Rambhai becomes Raymon, Tarun turns to Tom and Sulbha is Sue making it all the more smoother for business, communication and dreams in uncle Sam’s land come true. Inspite of not being as tongue twisting as Czechoslovakian names, surnames too, get baptized from,’ thakker to tucker ‘,’bharucha to brooch’ so on.

These days, its not just email that requires this task of converting your name into a fancy i.d; in fact if you have noticed, a lot of our local crowd has started naming their kiddos with phoren names which are called out with desi surnames. Other than being inspired from English serials and movies, Greek dictionaries and Italian recepies to name the apples of their eye, some Surtis also name their off springs with ‘exclusive ‘names so that they are unique like ,’zill’,’fenil’,chiluka’,’kauli’etc.Of course, since commoners do not dare to use the same, its mission accomplished for the innovative familial trait. The Ghachi community in Surat was long ago nicknamed German because more often than not, they would call their children by German names.

Getting back to name changing, in the days of yore, while most of their friends were named after gods, precious metals and nature, a lot of Surti babies were unfortunately named ‘kachra’aur ‘bhikno’ due to superstitions, if they kept falling ill.Then, if some misfortune were to befall the family or some action out of the ordinary was followed, it would turn into a surname changing event! The entire clan would carry funny and unattractive surnames [read profane and poppycock] to ward off the evil eye. One such example is the surname ‘G…ghavalia’ that once existed in Surat, which, interpreted to the politest form in English reads…… Err,’ rear back scratchers!’ Fortunately for the grandchildren, better sense prevailed in the previous generation who opted for a more decent switch rather than using the one with an itch, after having gone through the grind of announcing the same with a hitch. Jherpidhara, Bhenchoi#a, Pavli, Tikko too, have been understandably discarded. Whilst Motidoomwala, Bhesnapadiyawala still survive.

As is the case and culture with most generations of Indians, we Surtis too, carry the surnames that were passed down by our ancestors. So named due to the business they were in, to culturally express and define who they were rather than stating religion or caste unlike other Indians- Jariwala, Doodhwala, Darji, Gajjar, Vakharia, Kadiwala, Reshamwala, Kapadia, Kaanchwala, Daruwala; the list is endless. The Parsis on the other hand, preferred to be known by the hometowns and villages they had settled in hence the surnames Dumasia, Balsara, Billimoria, Anklesaria, Pardiwala, Amroliwala, Udvadia...

During the 16th and 17th century in Surat, most neighborhoods within the inner city and outer city were named after the individuals or clans that then resided there. Gopipura, Haripura, Rustompura, Sonifalia, Nanavat, Golwaad, Timalyawad are some such areas that thus came into being. Our city also has some uniquely named areas like, ‘paani ni bheet’,’rani talav’,’machhlipit’ ’ruwala no tekro’ -meaning cotton mountain where mattresses were once traded,’chakkapir’,’hodi bunglow’,’ravan no taad’ -named after a monstrous tree’,’makkai pul’ -which actually was the bridge from which the Hajjis going to Mecca would board their ships and many more such, which do not make sense now but have a story behind their existence.

Forget just the denizens and destinations; in fact, Tapi town itself has had numerous names down the ages. From Suryapuri [since the Tapti is Suryaputri, the Sun god’s daughter] to Suraj, to Surata to Surat, we have come a long way. So, watch out world, before you ask us,’tera naam kyaa hai, Surti?’You never know what we may have in store because in lalaland [or is it ‘walaland’?] we have namesakes galore!

SURTIS –AN AAM JANTA………..
Will Hillary rise to emerge over Obama? Will Shoaib Akhtar procure NOC from the other side of the LOC? Will the lawyers of lalaland get justice? None of these questions were bothering the aam aadmis of Surat over the weekend. All that we were worried about was whether or not the weather would wither our tropical treat. April showers are after all disastrous for May flowers. As if the Arab attack on mangoes was not enough to delay the arrival of our gastronomic delight!

Raised on fun, freedom and food, Surtis prefer pure breed over hybrid. Earliest childhood memories for majority of us therefore, include,’ the mango hoarding sessions ‘practiced by our grandparents. Most rooms in the house would be converted into larders, strewn with gunny bags where the king of fruit would preside, crowned with hay. On a daily basis, the precious potassium rich procurements would be sniffed, segregated and savoured with great passion. What would begin with a tender fresh aroma of the juicy, summer fruit; would turn into a full, robust fragrance around the house as the treasure switched colours deep as jewels-emerald green to ruby red to gold.

Even as Spanish chefs ‘spherify’ mango juice with hydrocolloids to make it look like caviar for avant garde cuisine, Surat is one place where mangoes are prepared in varied desi versions. Sliced, diced or spiced, we Surtis love this one right to the core.
Picked as early as its budding stage,’morva’ for fresh dry salad pickle by tossing it in a fenugreek-chilli mixture and ‘panechi’, made with water, salt and turmeric. Kagda Keri is popularly used for sweet and spicy chutney as well as ‘chunda and murabbas’ that make cool consumption in hot summers. Raw Rajapuris are pickled [methiya Keri, gol Keri, etc.] to be savoured with Surti food around the year. Its strips and seeds are Sun-dried to be powdered for tangy Amchur and masala gutlis.

In our city where food and fruit is looked upon as a status symbol, the supreme Ratnagiri Alfanso rules the roost followed by the Valsad haphoos. With mercury rising, arrive the aces of aam ras-Rajahpuri, Kesar, and Pairi.Surti households concoct their own combination of these to produce a lip smacking variety of mango pulp that is savoured with 7 padi rotli, puris or the Surti exclusive-Khaja .Some lace the juice with ghee, salt and cumin powder before relishing it others use Mango seeds, ‘gotlas’ to cook a spicy curry called’ fajeto’ to be savoured with rice.Dussheri, Chausa, Safeda, Popat, Mulgubbo and Karanj Keri trail into town later, spreading sweetness. Last but not least Neelam and Langdo tag along, to offer the gourmets a final delight. As distinct as each mango is in its flavour, Surtis sure know how to maximize its use.
The migrants have brought in recepies like;’aam panna,’and ‘aam ki lunji’ which have found instant fan following in our town. Crave-a-licious mango desserts- shrikhand, shakes and sorbets are prepared at home and roadside kiosks. Bitter gourd, Alocacia leaves, Idla and Salang Ni daal are frequent team members of the surti mango meal. Special ras-puri, ghosh-puri dinners are hosted during this season.

Surtis easily succumb to their taste buds. In spite of not actually being a local produce, Mangoes rule Surti hearts more than any other food. Little wonder then, that the royal Mango, is the King of fruits and we Surtis are the loyal –‘Aam’ Janta.

PENNING CHAUTAPUL’S CHALK DE! CHAPTER…….
The world famous, perennially snow capped, highest mountain of the Alps is shivering with fear of threatened existence. Not because of Global warming [at least for now] but because the Surtis are calling products named after it –Mount Blank! Jokes apart, it is nice to see that the finest writing instruments from Mont Blanc are now accessible in town. Thanks to the Mall mania, Lalas need not wait to visit Joon in New York, Smythson’s in London or Zaveri Bros. Mumbai for the same.

Among earliest Surti stationers were the vendors wandering around Chautapul ,selling chalks and slate pens; their descendents still do .In the 1950’s owning a Pratap pen was as good as it could get for Surti students.’ Swan’ was overpowered in prestige, only by ‘Brahmam’ a 14 carat gold nib, ink pen manufactured in Madras if you please. Being gifted a’ Reform ‘or ‘Tiku’ by visiting rich relatives would turn the event into the talk of the then small town. ‘Senator’ sustained the70’s. Ball point tip pens were then a big no-no for students since they were notorious to spoil handwriting. So when the Luxor micro tip pen was introduced to Tapi town in the early 80’s it was the biggest hit since Sholay!
Navin pen mart at Lalgate pioneered selling fancy pen ware. In absence of computers, account books and registers sold like hot cakes and selling stationery along with them, made Kagzi brothers at Limda Chowk, Popular book store Tower road, Modern in Sagrampura and Athwa General Store at Athwalines dream destinations for the same.

A visit to even the most modest of stationery shops in Surat these days has a different story to tell. As one enters, there is a grand welcome with an array of bouquets of multi coloured pens set row wise in jars. Some Surti stores tease and tempt offering limited and unlimited editions from Parker, Schaeffer, Caran’d ache, Pelikan, Cross pens. Lamy, Waterman, Cartier and Dupont now visit town on order.
Surti mommies upgrade their kid’s stuff on a monthly basis. The Alphabet eraser with a translucent green head has been bid adieu I notice, replaced by Big Mac and cricket kit replicas in the name of erasers. Steadler, Crayola, Faber Castell are household names now, for lead and colour options. The good old geometry set box is a goner too, now we have fancy cases with four compartments. Kids in town casually use files, punch machines and staplers from Korea, binders, sticker charts, 3-d scales from China, aromatic hand made paper from Jaipur. In times where Black boards have turned white, chalks and slate pens are the only ones that have retained their authentic colours and flavours swear the chalk munching junkies!
What disheartens one is the fact that when the world’s best instruments for writing are now easily available to us, penmanship unfortunately is dying an untimely death. Around the globe, both male and female prefer e-mails; lap tops have replaced letter pads.’ The Grid’ is set to become the future of text technology. Mobile Short Message Service causes Hara-kiri of the text, daily making Wren and Martin tremble. As we proceed towards a paperless phenomenon, stationery has become just that-stationary. Pens are pocketed as fashion, Paper is used for packaging and books are procured more as décor than for records. Though our budget for these has amazingly increased, our usage of the same has drastically decreased. Changing times have ‘nanonized’ our form of communication; let’s pray pen and paper will always be around. Hope, Chautapul’s ‘Chalk de!’Chapter never closes with a ‘chuck de!’ by the Generation next, of Tapi town.

P IS FOR PROFANITY……..SURTIS ‘SWEAR’ BY IT!
Towns all over our country are known for their distinct dialect and manner of speaking; the nawaabi andaaz of Lucknow’s tehzeeb, the sugar coated chatter of Calcutta, the respectful regal tone of Jaipur, in Gujarat itself there are a number of accents in which Ahmedabadi, Kathiyawadi etc. Gujarati is spoken. When it comes to our town though, the otherwise sweet sounding language takes an about turn.’shu che?’ becomes’ hu che?’ and ‘tamay aavo’ becomes ‘tu chal ni’.Other than being casual about the way they speak, Surtis are also most definitely well known for their profanity. I mean, I have yet to hear a social, business or casual conversation in town which does not include more than one #~*$#! Expletive word in every delivered dialogue!
The ‘it’ slang word does not exist in Surat because every slang word is part of a normal Surti conversation. While one wonders what mothers, sisters, fathers, brother-in laws and their body parts have got to do with conversations that neither involve them nor revolve around them; the average Surti would loose half his talk time in case he was forced to frame a sentence without profusely swearing!
Surat has a number of communities and sub castes of Gujaratis that dwell here. We have the Patels, Ghachis, Golas, Khatris, Vanias etc. Although they all speak differently, they are bound together by their profanity. No one raises a surprised brow at the most inaudible word spoken publicly.
Since it has always been a business community, education has never been that important to the average Surti. Family business has beckoned many a young soul to discontinue studies midway, irrespective of caste and creed. Grammar in Tapi town therefore is also one of the poorest in the state and pronunciations too go for ahem! A six!
In case the otherwise efficient Surti lala was asked to make a business deal come through without using his slang words, it would be a catch 22 situation for him! Every Surti sentence is incomplete until it is peppered with slang.
Surtis do not mean to swear at their friends and associates, in fact they use these with people they converse with on a day to day basis as terms of endearments!Surtis swear when they are in a good mood, smilingly and do so angrily when they are in a bad mood. So that means, if a Surti does not swear when in conversation, you do not feature in his close group of normal people and he is trying really hard to keep the talk straight!
Minding his ‘P’s and ‘Q’s would be torture for a Surti and he would rather answer in ‘yes’ or’ no’ than converse in situations that call for the same. Watching cricket, flying kites, eating out, chatting on the mobile, shopping, driving, in short every normal activity that a Surti does has to have a reaction that begins and ends with exclamatory remarks.
One thing is for certain, if there was ever a competition for original, innovative, maximum and widely used profanity world wide, Surtis would win hands down, no competition there sir, not even from the infamous down under-Australia.Surtis casually speak words that would make any human from out of town go drastically red in the face.

The other ‘P’word that Surtis are well known for is Promiscuous, but this is a newspaper with family readership and I most definitely am not getting into that explicit conversation, lest I get showered with spicy Surti slang of the profane kind!

IDES OF MARCH…TIDES OF TROUBLE……..
The Ides of March stand for the first day of the Roman lunar calendar.15th of March, the day that dear old Julius Caesar was asked to beware of and assassinated on. Down the ages, this date is one that resonates doomsday for the superstitious just as Shakespeare had warned; a fore bringer of misfortune, according to many soothsayers.
In present day, our Surti Lalas got a taste of the Ides of March throughout the month. It has been a relentlessly cruel month for them………..

As the month began, a staggering stock market and the sensex knocked the senses out of both the sexes who locked more than horns, as the Bears and Bulls saw red. Dabba traders got tinned by the city police, real estate prices plummeted and diamond traders got singed by the scorcher of the share market’s Holi pyre even as Surti housewives blew up family money set aside to retire. In a town where cash is perennially in flow, liquidity saw many a dry day.

The textile sector got a blow by the FM [Budget, not radio silly!] with no relief to old woes. An 8 % addition of excise duty on imported weaving machines turned ‘TUF into tough’ for the weavers. Thus, spelling days of doom to Lalas who own power looms. With global competition warming up, prospects of growth seem bleak at present for Tapi town weavers who were set to go the long haul in upgrading their technology.

Tax evaders who are in the trade of property, diamond and textile have had a long, difficult month. Most of them were actually given the Ides of March i.e. March 15th.as the last day to cough up the indigestible tax returns. I-T officials seem to have hitched the Lalas, hook line and sinker; leaving no nook or corner for escape. VAT evaders ki toh vaat lag gai! With the Fiscal deadline fast approaching for this financial year, there were chaotic queues at offices of the revenue department as Surtis endlessly lined up and set their records straight to avoid being penalized later.

As though all this was not enough, the Jantri’s Jantar Mantar took the town completely unawares. Surat’s Bahumaali Bhavan turned into a clubhouse as the public, police; lawyers and bouncers tussled over equal rights of registration and decided to ‘go to the mattresses’- a la Godfather. Stamp paper demands caused a stampede. Amongst all the hungama, many stories unfolded along with the sleepover ka saman and hot tales arose along with the Tiffin box lids which Surtis came equipped with. The event also brought together snooty socialites from Parle Point to rub shoulders with the humble hasinas of Varachha, as most Surtis register their property in the name of the fairer sex. Lalas had to line up in person for once to officially register property in the proper way. Not being used to function without corruption, many Surtis unnecessarily slipped in extra currency with the registration amount, in hope that it would earn them an upgraded registration [or so they thought]!

Thus the scorching summer has begun with most Surtis in a soup. For once, March ending will bring a sigh of relief to Tapi towners. Hopefully, the month of April will bring in happier times. But, do watch out dear Lalas, because the new month begins tomorrow with April Fools Day! Here’s wishing you a happy one.

SURAT’S SPRING SERENADE….............
Holi days are here again! No baba, am not talking about this week that is full of holidays, inspite of the fact that we have Idd, Good Friday, Holi, Easter, all lined up. Am talking of how the entire week past and present is being colourfully celebrated by us Rangeela Surtis. Though Dhuleti is officially at the end of the week, denizens are at it already, there is colour abound all around Tapi town! Everybody is celebrating in their own style, here is a peek:
SMC -Holi Special, H2O-The Surat Municipal Corporation is celebrating Holi since the past 10 days. They are regularly supplying us yellow coloured water to drink, wash and bathe to remind us Phagun is here .Though some spoilsports are constantly complaining about the hygiene hassles of the same. Nevertheless, the corporation is working really hard to maintain the festive mood with the colour density getting deeper by the day. Watch out, by dhuleti you may discover a new shade of brown flowing from your taps if you co-operate with the corporation and do not dampen the SMC’s Holi spirit.

GROCERS- Rang Le, Basanti-It’s the most resplendent time of the year for our spice suppliers. Lanes all over Surat have little dunes of Lal Mirchi powder, Mustard Haldi, Lime Green Dhania powder, Brown Jeera, resting under even more colourful tents .From roadsides of Parvat Patia to Bhatar, Ghodod to Varachha, masala makers are tempting Surti housewives to hoard the same; Rang De their spice storage space this spring season with chili, turmeric, coriander and cumin.

KIDS- Maar, Daala!-Of course this is one festival where spoilt Surti kids have their loving parents spend unlimited moolah on fancy squirters from China and toxic colours from Sachin/Pandesara. But the kids as usual have a mind of their own. If you have been smacked with a smelly plastic pouch in the past week, you will know what I mean. Terraces and balconies have been converted into fortresses by the bachha brigade. Giggling away as they have a go, hurling water packed plastic bags and pouches on unsuspecting pedestrians and riders. It is sad to see how parents support this act of polluting the Town, body and mind with marksmanship; they treat the matter so lightly.

MITHAI -Magic Mantra-The onset of the colour festival has inspired our sweet meat makers to display an array of edible rainbow coloured preparations, along with multi coloured legal addictives like Kewra,Saffron, Pistachio and Rose thandai. Consuming the same will help you instantly colour your internal organs as well, lest you complaint that Holi is only skin deep.
’Holi Hai! Yaar.’so, make sure you spread the smiles.
So folks, even though the D-day is at the other end of this week, we Surtis have been celebrating a vibgyor Dhuleti routine. Jokes apart, do try and spend this fun festival with family and friends in an Eco- friendly way. Celebrate spring in true Surti style, colour Tapi town with Peace, Love and Happiness. Forget past differences because,
SURTI LALAS -Ab Tera Kya Hoga Lala?-Keeping up with the colour theme, this Surti lot is going Pink, Crimson, Red in the face since some time now, as they own up to or try to explain their Tax return goof ups of the past. Without even a sip of bhaang, they claim to be seeing multi coloured stars in broad daylight during the I T department’s survey sessions!

TAPI TOWN’S TRAFFIC TRIVIA…
Press, Horn. O.k. Please, A.2.A.V.K.V? Before you raise a surprised brow, let me explain the reason behind this lingo; driving around a city is a great way to know more about its people and culture. Here are a few observations while cruising along the streets of our hometown Surat-
U-19? Me-15! -- So what if we do not have a player to qualify for the under 19 cricket team? Should there ever be a competition for underage drivers; Surtis will beat the others hands down [literally] to win the world championship! Our kids are so talented; we have 15 year olds who handle a four wheel drive as easy as apple pie.
Yours, mine and ours…..Surtis love to share, they are not selfish .So, when they listen to music in their vehicles, they make sure the entire neighbourhood is listening. Often at a signal a jugalbandi can be enjoyed by the music blaring out of different cars and autos. It is after all rare to hear Atif Ali, Bon Jovi perform along with Bappida.
Time table rules-Our traffic police is extremely organized. They do not trouble tired drivers with all the tiresome rules. Everyday is fixed for a certain norm. So on Mondays, you are fined for not using helmets, on Tuesdays for not using seat belts, On Wednesdays for not carrying P.U.C and so on. If you figure out the days of the ‘fine routine’, you will be ticket free this season.
Tow in time-Surtis are allowed to park wherever, whenever they please to do so. The tow truck visits each area twice a day. All the time in between is efficiently utilized by students, housewives and chauffeurs to park their vehicles however they wish to do so in areas that proclaim to be a ‘No Parking Zone.’
Left, Right and Centre- Surtis are very competent drivers .Although they drive right hand drive vehicles, they follow rules of International driving standards and change the routes as per their mood. They can drive at great speed on the wrong side of the street, change lanes like Formula 1 drivers, and enter No Entry zones. Auto drivers signal by foot, cyclists do not even bother. Surtis work very hard to make sure that if you can drive in Surat, you can drive anywhere in the World.
Pillion million, nano is moto—two seaters are easily converted to four seaters by Surtis. The backrest and petrol tank of bikes accommodate happy Surti families with ease as also friends who bond on their bikes.
Vintage wonders—although we do not have cars to qualify in this bracket, we do have auto rickshaws and trucks on the road which belong to the long bygone past era .In spite of living on a prayer, these run around selflessly for public service.
Hearing Disability-Surtis make sure you remember their signature tune so they spend money to use high decibel tunes as music while reversing their cars, lest you forget who was visiting.
Shady characters-Lalas love to look at their town through rose tinted glasses. So they have films that shade car glasses from light to the darkest shade of brown depending on how deep the owner’s intentions are.
Express way-In this driver’s paradise, the horn is used to express one’s feelings. Be it anger, happiness, calling out friends, Surtis communicate by honking away.
So dearies, if you want to develop your driving skills, improve your vocabulary, and sharpen your reflexes, take a drive around Tapi town. Here scratched, dented and grazed vehicles that are colour blind to red signals, merrily bump around.

SERIGRAPHY TO SARIGRAPHY, SURTI LALA STYLE……

The word serigraph comes from the root words ‘Seri’ meaning silk in Latin and‘Graphos’
meaning to draw, in Greek. Serigraphy is silk screen printing, one of the oldest forms of print reproduction, an intricate process that demands great expertise. Using this technique to make open and limited editions of art replicas was first made popular in the 1960s, by the American ‘Prince of Pop art’-Andy Warhol. The idea was to make multiple copies of art affordable to a new segment of buyers interested in owning artwork. Original serigraphs are numbered and signed by the artist as proof of authenticity.
Closer home, our ‘whalah Surti Lalas’ have been practicing similar methods to mint moolah.Here is the low down on it……….
Since as early as the thirteenth century, Surat has been a trade centre for textile. Cloth from around the country was processed [dyed, block printed, washed, finished] and exported from here, often bartered for other goods from around the world. From Kinkhabs, Cotton and Silks then, to Polyester now; 1 out of every 3 sarees available in the country these days is manufactured in Surat. Surti Lalas are the undisputed lords of man made textile in the country. Printed fabrics from our town drape people from Kashmir to Kanyakumari not to mention exports to Kenya, Kansas and further on!

Heavy demand of Screen printed sarees manufactured in Surat, has created an ever hungry market for new prints and designs. The textile designers in town give their best shot for the same but apparently cannot cope up. It is common practice in Tapi town therefore, to go on a ‘print shopping spree ‘! Trendy prints are lifted off original works of renowned artists from out of town, to replicate them on the warp and weft of polyester.Sarees and fabrics by famous designer labels from Mumbai, Delhi, Kolkatta, who put to use talent and expertise to create exclusive prints, are sought and bought by Surti mill masters on a regular basis. Direct copies and modified versions of the same are screen printed on Surti saris to lure buyers who get great value for money in the bargain. Nowadays, imitations of Benarasi weaves, Parsi embroidery, Jamavar etc are also machine manufactured in synthetic fabrics.
’Jo achha dikhta hai, who achha bikta hai!”is the SurtiLala’s, favourite formulae; Trademark or copyright are words that do not feature in his dictionary. Hence, our printing industry mostly thrives on unofficially reproducing designs which are the current flavour of the fashion season. It is the easiest and quickest route to sure shot profit making for our mill maaliks, not to mention the happy housewives who get to keep the designer originals when hubby dearest is through with the ‘sari’graphy. To their credit, so well are the prints replicated by our mills that at times it becomes impossible to tell the original from the copy, at first look.
By the way, while we are on the subject of serigraphy, the 10 day ‘Kala Mahotsav’ in town ended yesterday. For sale at this art festival, were beautiful serigraphs by popular artists like S.H .Raza, Jogen Chowdhury, Thota Vaikuntam, Madhavi Parekh, and Amit Ambalal. There were no takers of these works in Textile town. Upon being explained what a serigraph meant, potential buyers at the gallery, did not want to purchase what was’ a replica of the original.’Kyaa matlab hai?’ Questioned a Lala, “Yeh toh copy hai, hum toh sirf original pasand kartey hai! Iski kyaa value?” He thundered in a tone that would have made dear old Mr. Warhol quiver in his grave. Copy that?

SATURDAY NIGHT FERVOUR! DESPITE ‘DEARTH-E-DISCO’
A recent trend in weekend parties is,’ The D.J. night’ .Due to ‘dearth-e- discothèques’ in town, Surtis now organize dance parties at their own private premises to boogie their blues away.So, within a room, hall or terrace, you have a sound system that blares away, put up along with a strobe and some flashy laser lights, all handled by the local D.J .The invitees wade in from 10 P.M.onwards to dance in wild abandon through the night. Friends take turns to host these, depending on whose parents are away on that weekend.

The reason for this trend may also be a result of the so called’ Western Dance’ classes which have sprung up nineteen to the dozen, of late, in Tapi town . These classes are efficiently run by amateurs, who love to admire themselves in the mirrors while students prance to their tunes. Known as the ‘dancing sirs’, they promise to turn our Surti ‘lalarinas’into ballerinas. Shops in arcades around town are rented out and converted into dance studios to serve the purpose.

Enthusiastic housewives, teenagers and children throng these and pay atrocious amounts to learn desi freestyle versions of what is presented to them in the name of dance. Tapi Tango, Surti Salsa, Wishful Waltz, Chulbula Cha Cha Cha etc; performed on Indipop music by the flexible eye candy .Surti mommies and aunties who look upon these as a great place to loose weight are getting into the groove here. Shaking a leg to,’ hips don’t lie’ [how apt] in hope that it takes their’ breadth’ away.

Unfortunately, most Surti Hubbies do not share the excitement of performing fancy moves with their now’ bitter ‘halves. Consequently, the ladies either search for a willing female partner or dance by themselves or with their own shadows to enact out these newly learnt skills.Surti men, on the other hand, like to dance in groups.‘Jhoond ma Nacho ‘is their motto. So irrespective of the fact that Bruce Springsteen is crooning, ’Dancing in the dark, ‘or Bryan Adams is soulfully singing,’Everything I do, I do it for you,’ the guys are busy, hopping away in a circle that would remind you of’ ring a ring of roses’ from kindergarten. Talk about male bonding, man!

The all-time favourite step of all Surti men is easily the ‘Kaipo che’ and ‘Lapate’ step that resembles the act of kite-flying and rolling the thread reel. The other popular step is a version of ‘two taali garba ’with an action of boxing and hopscotch added to it. Sometimes, they mime fervently playing a guitar or the drums too! Whether they are dancing at weddings, parties, Navratri or New Year’s Eve, Surti men are sure to shake their booty, in the above mentioned ways.

All in all, it would be rare, to see a Surti who is not raring to go for it unabashedly on the dance floor. As the women jerk hysterically to ‘sexy, naughty, bitchy me’, men jovially jump to,’ another brick in the wall’ and kids perform acrobatics to,’dard-e-disco’, in the name of dance, they do so powered by the great Surti spirit and freedom of expression, ‘aapde toh bhai aavaj chiye’.Thus, the evening culminates into a freestyle of-
‘Salsa, nacho and tang-o’ combo [no reference to food here, mind you.]
So rejoice dearies and celebrate Saturday night’ fervour’without inhibitions and ‘prohibition’ because, D.J. Nights are here to stay as Surtis sway their stress away!