TREATS TO BEAT SURTI SUMMER HEAT...............
The heat is on in Tapi town. It’s not only just polls and politics that are adding to it but also the Fibre to fabric fair that displayed hot and happening Surti products. Lalas braved the summer heat to proudly showcase Surti talent that none other can beat.
Even as Torrent power has promised not to torment; the Sun god seems in no mood to cool down for the moment. So, here are a few fun ways to beat the heat. Take your pick to cool down this week-

1. Leave for Saputara and spend a week within the clouds.

2. Sip lassi at Gokulam in Adarsh society or Raja lassi at Galemandi.

3. Join a swimming course at any of the private clubs or municipal schools.

4. Wear cotton tank tops, ganji, mulmul jhabhlas bought from Surti streets and make them look fashionable.

5. Those with permits drink chilled beer those without sip on Sosyo.

6. Spend your afternoons watching movies in cool multiplexes.

7. Eat chilled, cold gulkand filled paan at Parle Point or Citylight paan shops.

8. Put up natural fibre mats on your windows and splash them with water. [Even makes A.C.more effective]

9. Fill a tub with cool water, add gulab jal from Hakim Chichi, rose petals from Ambaji temple flower shop and relax.

10. Have a salad lunch at a suburban restaurant.

11. Buy baby powder or Hula Hula from stores around town and splash it on 4 times a day.

12. Read a book and sip iced tea through the afternoon in the T3 lounge at Taj.

13. Relish juicy succulent watermelon titbits under tents set up at Ghodod road, Chowpatty or Bhagal crossroads.

14. Visit the circus and enjoy ice skating within the A.C dome.

15. Go for a walk under the shady green tree tunnel at Police parade ground road.
16. Order in matkis of chilled Rosogullas and mishti doi from Muditas.
17. Apply a thin layer of Vicks vapour rub on face and neck [avoid eyes] splash off with cool water.
18. Nibble on kesar malai kulfis from Agra or Shiv Shakti sweets.
19. Buy a water spray from plastic ware shops in Chautapul and use it as an atomizer.
20. Shop for soft cotton from Hafiz brothers and Tata fabrics and design your own fancy yet comfy kurta –lungi-jammy nightwear.
21. Gorge on Surti sancha ice cream from Sampoorna in Divya Kanti or various Janta outlets.
22. Visit the river bank in the evening and hitch a ferry ride at dusk time.
23. Enjoy chuskis of ice goals from kiosks around town in multi flavours of kachi Keri and kala khatta.
24. Visit A.C. and refrigerator showrooms enjoy the chill [since they are already on] without feeling guilty of not being eco friendly.
25. Hydrate with Soda shiquanji, sherdi ras and mango milkshakes at roadside kiosks.
Think positive and take a chill pill, because, the hotter it gets, the sooner we will have Surti showers.
Tapi town tattle –What has Vijay Mallya nicknamed his most expensive IPL player? ‘Paisa vasool Pietersen.’

CHAUTABAZAAR'S CHAOTIC CHARISMA...........
New York and Paris fashion magazines have reached a unanimous verdict that the only 'must have accessory 'for this Spring Summer's are chunky ,wooden bangles.Like those that our stunning Shilpa Shetty wore, while she asked you to, 'shut up and bounce'. Marc Jacobs has come out with an exclusive line of enamelled ones from $360 onwards, while Versace has gold plated ones that state the price on request.
If you are a fashion follower and want to know where to get your hands on something very similar, head for, hold your breath, Chautabazaar. Yes! before all you suburban socialites fall off your fancy chairs and wrinkle up your blackhead free noses, let me tell you the largest collection of hand painted,enamelled,frosted,metal plated and natural wooden chunky bangles is available ,cheaper by the dozen at our very own Mecca of maid fashion.
Hop into a CNG auto because parking space can be a killjoy to find. Get off at the Chetna restaurant curve, just by La Bella and walk down the slope that guides you into a catacomb of intersected streets. The first thing that strikes you about the place other than the typical, musty, walled city air are the vibgyor colours that happily call out to buyers. Unending rows of hand carts full of flip flops, children's clothes, women's lingerie, kerchiefs etc all hung up and around with vendors cheerily inviting to come and take a look. The backdrop is of matchbox like shops.
Don't miss the 'kharadi chimanlal'shop that sells brilliantly handcrafted wooden spatulas and kitchen accessories in sankheda and teakwood. Rolling pins, tongs, lemon squeezers etc all hung up with raw threads, you can pull down what you like. They also make the cutest little toys and cradles for kids to play with. Further down, on either side are rows of frilly garments and glittering gota patti saree ,chaniya cholis with an occasional jeweller, pearl smith, hand block printer [must watch], some fabulous lace and button shops and a couple of ones that sell DIY hobby ideas that teach you to make stuff like broaches, embroidered pictures, thermocal art, etc.Lahris sell glassware along with plastic kitchen strainers, combs and hair clips. The numerous stalls, that sell bangles and bindis are very popular; offering endless varieties of swarowski embellished, studded and multicoloured options. Handmade soap and oil shops and fresh gajra kiosks spread fragrance next to mothball and rat poison vendors.
Chauta bazaar area was earlier known as kapad bazaar. It is believed to be originally owned by the Brahmins of MotaMandir,the350 year old temple of Lord Krishna in a little lalji avtaar.The darshan of this 2 and a half inch idol can be sighted only with the help of binoculars from a distance of 25 to 30 feet,5 times a day. Many shops still pay rent of around Rs.25 to the temple authorities. Shops around Mota Mandir sell multicoloured, accessories for idols, little Velcro fitted skirts and sashes, pairs of stone eyes, golden crowns, diamante studded garlands that one can decorate the idols with. A few sell rare stone fossils and Rudraksh beads. The khadi bhandar here is frequented by Gandhians and offers incense sticks, kolhapuris, wooden curios with inlay work along with a variety of cloth. For foodie Surtis, farsan shops, freshly popped corn , sancha ice-cream, sugarcane juice, pickled fruit kiosks,sweetmeat stores and an ever busy south Indian food stall offer palate ticklers.
There is method in the madness here, and as the city bustles on the bridge above, the market below buzzes with bee-hive like activity.
Tapi town tattle- After the kyaa sabut hai? routine, Pakistan is on a new trip-Dhoondhtey reh jaogey!

RE: PUBLIC DAY THE SURTI WAY.
Today is a rare, manic Monday that will turn out to be a day of lazy languor. Reason enough, for us Surtis to hit the streets and celebrate the extended weekend. Roadside food stalls will have another busy, public day.
Slum dog Millionaire might have made slumming fashionable now, but we Surtis have been known to relish holiday meals at hole in the wall joints since ages, where man and mangy dog both get food. Fine dining in Surti streets has got nothing to do with fancy crockery, cutlery or for that matter even a table. Surtis, rich and poor have common roadside food joints where a plastic stool or chatai mat is good enough to sit down and enjoy a meal.
High on the hogger’s hitlist is the long running Khaudra Gulli; with its mouth-watering green garlic egg receipes that now has new introductions like ‘egg ravaiya ‘to be relished with khichdi and Australian egg fry that’s a cheesy number. Further down the lane, the crispy nylon dosas are much in demand. Also, Chindian [Chinese-Indian] cuisine and a variation in sandwiches and bhaji pav, Bombay style with a side order of veg.Pulao are popular with the vegetarians.
Of late, there are new tasty trails that set ablaze the streets of Surat by the evening and offer tongue teasers along with live cooking. These are in the sub urban Piplod area.
Parantha Gulli-Lest you think of Delhi -6, Chandni Chowk, let me tell you this one is right here, in the service lane by the Rajhans theatre at the Surat Dumas road. What began as a single cart for alternative cuisine now is a full fledged street full of carts that prepare stuffed paranthas in as many as 55 flavours such as Aloo, Gobi, Pyaaz, Muli, Paneer,Mutter,Palak and permutations and combinations of the same .Lusciously cooked in butter and served with curds, chutney and pickles.
Non-veg Gulli-Not to be mistaken with profane bad words, mind you. It’s opposite the school for the physically challenged at Umra.A diner’s delight for Surtis who relish succulent preparations like jumbo prawns, sweet water shrimps, desi dara and minty pomphrets. Alongside are available tandoori platters of tikkas and kebabs in reshmi, lasooni, lucknavi flavours also, chicken lollypops, butter, kadai and banjara chicken with rotis and naans from the tandoor.
The love of Surtis for lahri food has now made a lot of grade 1 restaurants in town open road side kiosks .With a fair priced veg and non veg menu ,one at Chowpatty sells minimeals from Burgers to Biryani.This brilliant marketing strategy to cater to need of foodies provides brisk business on weekdays as well as holidays.Ghodod road too, now has a newly opened roadside food court that offers pizzas, pastas ,Rajwadi khichdi ,chat and bhel .The kiosks within these are a street branch of well known restaurants around town .
The meltdown might stop Surtis from their impulsive expenditures but when it comes to food, Surtis are compulsive spenders on palate pleasures. So ‘bon-appétit ‘ to you fellow Surti, as you hit the street for your tasty treat this evening because whether it’s a religious or National holiday, we celebrate them all the public way.
TAPI TOWN TATTLE-What are the Americans calling their 44th first gentleman? President Hopebama.

RED RIBBON DAY...............
During the Mughal empire rule, just beyond the Mughal Sarai-the resting place for caravan travellers[which now houses the SMC offices], there came up an area known as the variyavi bazaar. This area was inhabited by women who ran one of the oldest professions in history, that of courtesans. One of them was a beautiful mistress of the nagarseth, called Suraj; many historians believe that Surat was initially named Suraj after her.
Down the ages, this place thrived on local customers. Over the years, women from different parts of the country and Nepal were brought in here. This area was actually the only officially known red light area of Gujarat. In 1967, a social worker named Leelaben Parekh surveyed this godforsaken place only to find that the maximum idols and photographs of God that she had ever seen in town were actually here! Incense sticks regularly spread aroma within the claustrophobic corridors where no beggar went by hungry and children were educated in the best schooling options available in the area. Leelaben sent her reports to Ahmedabad after which the state government and NGOs regularly set up awareness programmes for this section of women to help them with their health problems.
In the year 2003, the commercial sex workers were driven out of this area by the landlords of variyavi bazaar and an era of the chakla bazaar came to an end. Since rehabilitation for these women was not arranged for, the only aspect of their profession that changed was the geography .To top that, now their section was no more an 'organised 'one nor an official one, so, educating them about health awareness was out of the question.
Our city thrives on the migrant population who work as hired help for Surti Lalas be it in the trade of Textile at Pandesara, Diamonds at Varaccha, Labourers at Hazira.A large scale of this segment is involved in proliferation of premarital promiscuity, multiple sexual partnership with commercial sex workers and high homosexuality .Needless to say it more often than not makes them vulnerable to getting infected with STD.These migrants unknowingly spread the infection to their families as well.
While most countries and cities have film stars, models or religious leaders helping in the cause of health awareness, there are still a few words in Tapi town that often are either taboo or carry a sort of social stigma. One of them is AIDS, acquired immuno deficiency syndrome. Like science teachers in our school days, who would ask us to self study the chapters on the human reproductive system since they were too embarrassed to teach or talk about the same, many Surtis often refrain from discussing about this life threatening fact of life that our generation and the future ones need to be aware of . Surtis often feel that this issue does not concern them.
Health education for our labour clan is as equally important as educating our children. Various NGOs and government programmes run education on AIDS awareness for school children and a certain segment of the migrants, but, most of the workers resort to treatment of illness from various quacks around town which often puts their lives at risk.
While we practice utmost caution for our lives, often the ones who toil for us, fall easy prey due to lack of knowledge. It is one thing to be aware; another to show that you care, because as we all know, in the case of AIDS, prevention is the only option since there is no cure.
TAPI TOWN TATTLE-What will the U.S. visa granted to our called-Modi-fied visa!

P IS FOR PROFANITY……..SURTIS ‘SWEAR’ BY IT!
Towns all over our country are known for their distinct dialect and manner of speaking; the nawaabi andaaz of Lucknow’s tehzeeb, the sugar coated chatter of Calcutta, the respectful regal tone of Jaipur, in Gujarat itself there are a number of accents in which Ahmedabadi, Kathiyawadi etc. Gujarati is spoken. When it comes to our town though, the otherwise sweet sounding language takes an about turn.’shu che?’ becomes’ hu che?’ and ‘tamay aavo’ becomes ‘tu chal ni’.Other than being casual about the way they speak, Surtis are also most definitely well known for their profanity. I mean, I have yet to hear a social, business or casual conversation in town which does not include more than one #~*$#! Expletive word in every delivered dialogue!
The ‘it’ slang word does not exist in Surat because every slang word is part of a normal Surti conversation. While one wonders what mothers, sisters, fathers, brother-in laws and their body parts have got to do with conversations that neither involve them nor revolve around them; the average Surti would loose half his talk time in case he was forced to frame a sentence without profusely swearing!
Surat has a number of communities and sub castes of Gujaratis that dwell here. We have the Patels, Ghachis, Golas, Khatris, Vanias etc. Although they all speak differently, they are bound together by their profanity. No one raises a surprised brow at the most inaudible word spoken publicly.
Since it has always been a business community, education has never been that important to the average Surti. Family business has beckoned many a young soul to discontinue studies midway, irrespective of caste and creed. Grammar in Tapi town therefore is also one of the poorest in the state and pronunciations too go for ahem! A six!
In case the otherwise efficient Surti lala was asked to make a business deal come through without using his slang words, it would be a catch 22 situation for him! Every Surti sentence is incomplete until it is peppered with slang.
Surtis do not mean to swear at their friends and associates, in fact they use these with people they converse with on a day to day basis as terms of endearments!Surtis swear when they are in a good mood, smilingly and do so angrily when they are in a bad mood. So that means, if a Surti does not swear when in conversation, you do not feature in his close group of normal people and he is trying really hard to keep the talk straight!
Minding his ‘P’s and ‘Q’s would be torture for a Surti and he would rather answer in ‘yes’ or’ no’ than converse in situations that call for the same. Watching cricket, flying kites, eating out, chatting on the mobile, shopping, driving, in short every normal activity that a Surti does has to have a reaction that begins and ends with exclamatory remarks.
One thing is for certain, if there was ever a competition for original, innovative, maximum and widely used profanity world wide, Surtis would win hands down, no competition there sir, not even from the infamous down under-Australia.Surtis casually speak words that would make any human from out of town go drastically red in the face.

The other ‘P’word that Surtis are well known for is Promiscuous, but this is a newspaper with family readership and I most definitely am not getting into that explicit conversation, lest I get showered with spicy Surti slang of the profane kind!