Corkage Charge In Tipple Town

Corkage Charge In Tipple Town


Surat’s most popular senior citizens-Mr.Magan Batla and aunty Batli held a, ‘Dampened Spirits Drive’ last evening.

It was in lieu of a protest against the arrest of the honourable city Mayor’s cousin brother and others, on charges of consuming alcohol in a public place (a Ghoddod Road discotheque, barely half a kilometer from Umra Police Station and just a hop, skip and jump behind the Mayor’s home, a backyard premises he has rented out).

It wasn’t an Alcoholics Anonymous meet, mind you, which surprisingly exists at large through the dry state, with Surat scoring the maximum number of members there too.

This was one where so called thinkers of Tapi town came together to discuss on a sober and serious note, the price and punishment that denizens are paying for prohibition.

On the promise that they remain incognito, anguished Surtis stated their quotes and views of the public in general.

“Prohibition has become the new weapon for vendetta in our town! Anyone can pick up the phone and complaint .There is no end as to how many ‘mehfils’ police raids will yield from homes, every single night.”

“Imagine what kind of names will tumble out if we apply via RTI to know who all have been arrested for alcohol consumption in Gujarat, so far?”

“Vat 69 ney vaat laga di!”

“My uncle is penning a new prohibition Kolaveri version called,” Why this hypocrisy, hypocrisy policy di, ho Modi!”

“Where is the booze coming in from? I read that bootleggers supplying to Gujarat have an annual turnover of 1500 crores!”

“Those are last year’s figures, now that the noose is tighter, rates might have doubled.”

“I always assumed that having an alcohol permit meant ‘License to drink’ but, my friends were sitting ducks and met their nemesis in an apartment when they were raided for drinking at home!”

“Dint this happen the same night as the one in which Parmeshwar Godrej’s party for Oprah was raided thrice by the Mumbai Pandus?”

“No, and stupid, Mumbai does not have prohibition issues, they were raided for causing commotion next to an MLA’s residence.”

“I am a teetotaler, yet, I pay more taxes because prohibition costs a loss of Rs.3000 crores of revenue to the government and I heard that they have to make up for it by hiking our basic taxes.”

“Aaprey toh kaee didhu, aapunney kaai pher parto nathi, lai javo ander,juo ! Bus,aapra bapa hudhi vaat nahi pahunchvi joyey ,whu ?”

‘I have decided to pen a book on it and name it “Night at Police Station; Nightmare at Civil Hospital”

“Surat’s police are trying really hard to brush off last year’s accusation of procuring the maximum bribes in the matter of prohibition. A leading weekly national magazine had summed it up to around 70 lakhs.”

“Can you imagine that wedding cocktail parties are now the main reason for Surtis to organize destination weddings? How do you expect us hoteliers to lose millions of rupees in this manner and still take it in the right spirit?

“The closest getaway is Daman, with the amount of spurious liquor flowing from there these days; you could have a river of elixir running through it!

“I hear after acing at duplicate Black Label, they now excel at aping single malts too, packaging and all!”

“Daru, daru, daru, daru, daru, daru, daru hic!”

“Can we please get back to the issue now? Do you know how distilleries are minting millions by shoving excise free booze into the state?”

“Also, hooch king pins are crorepatis here.”

“This is just a vote bank policy, in the name of Gandhiji.”

“Did you know that Gandhiji’s grandson had once stated on national television that, “There are many other things which Bapu stood for which we should be practicing, but which no one does. Prohibition in Gujarat is an industry which finances politics, politicians and police."

“How come having no prohibition in SEZ does not offend Bapu, but consuming alcohol in other areas of Gujarat does?”

“I think it’s the women in the state, who vote in favour of prohibition, whom politicians do not want to displease.”

“ Eni maaney !!!!!! ……….pun mari ni maaney !”

Arrack-shun ! No more cheers !

Noticed how wobbly kneed women, who walk up to Permit rooms to claim their monthly quota of alcohol allowance, look so weary and wary these days?

Even the otherwise bindass permit holders are now heard whispering,’je pataavu hoy tey aath-nav sudhi maan patavi devu, aney Dumas toh humnaa maatey bhulij javanu,whu ?’(Get it over and done with by 8-9 and forget Dumas for now)

Present prohibition may have partially dried up not only spirits but also Surat’s social glue-booze, but there was a time when Tapi town used to turn into a Cavalla by sundown, ’Surya ast toh Surti mast’.

During olden days, alcohol was distilled locally in many a different way:

In the 16th century, Sidi Ali Reis, a Turkish Admiral who embarked at Surat’s Suvali beach, observed and penned in his travelogue, Mirat-ul –Memalik (Mirror of Countries), “There is in Gujarat a tree of the palm tribe, called tari agadji (millet-tree). From its branches cups are suspended and when the cut end of a branch is placed into one of these vessels a sweet liquid, something of the nature of arrack, flows out in a continuous stream; and this fluid, by exposure to the heat of the sun, presently changes into a most wonderful wine.”

Being a central port for unilateral trade, Surat had sailors from all over the world wading in. The ever busy Surti beach-Swally hole where they embarked was also their watering hole. Spirits were locally made here from fennel seeds, tadi and opium .The entire process of how Surtis prepared ‘niro’ and ‘tadi’, is picturesquely described by J.Ovington in his book”A Voyage To Suratt’

In 1632 A.D., Peter Mundy, European traveler was surprised to discover how in opium addicts seeped poppy husks and seeds in water to produce an alcoholic beverage called ‘poste’, drinkers of which were called’ postees’, while those who prepared drinks from Cannibes-bhaang were called ‘bhaangees’. Many Parsis grew toddy and opium in large amounts; although it was otherwise officially banned, trading it to China was legally allowed.

When Parsis sailed into Gujarat, most of them had a still (tiny distillery) in their homes for procuring ‘pehli dharno, beeji dhar no’ (first outflow, second outflow). They prepared an intoxicating drink from Mahuda flowers available locally; the drink was said to be a digestive, with cooling properties especially during the summers. For winters, special liquor was made from fermented raisins and dates. Also, Port wine is a much loved appetizer amongst Parsi women who prepare the same at home. They consume it differently, by adding a shot of lime to a peg of the fortified liquid.

It was only after the British came into Surat’, that Scotch and beer were introduced to the town’s elite. Beer became a lunchtime drink and Scotch was relished before dinner by the elite. The locals stuck to local brews. In Douglas E Haynes’, Rhetoric and Ritual in Colonial India,’it is mentioned how,” alcohol was present within the moral code of Surat’s Ghachi/ Khatri/Gola community.”

Amongst the earliest responsibilities that Surat’s first Municipalty carried out in 1852, were tasks like lighting and cleaning the streets, expenses of which were met by levying a surcharge on alcohol production at the local distillery.

Douglas has also well documented how the ban on alcohol first began within Surat. In 1906, headmen of the Khatri and Gola communities made’ bandobast’ against the consumption of alcohol as an enforcement of moral codes by threat of social sanction.

Around 1911, social educators like Dayalji and Kunvarji who ran local boarding schools, founded journals that urged Anavil and Kanbi communities to abstain from ‘corrupt customs’ like the consumption of alcohol.

The Gandhian campaign of antiliquor was launched in full swing serving the dual purpose of social purification as well as that of harming Government revenue which greatly depended upon the sale of liquor shop contracts and sales tax on alcohol .In 1921, about 175 picketers marched to the collectorate pleading bidders of liquor shop contracts to,’ Give up sinful money and depend on money that is pure.’

This was perhaps, the moment when the first foundation of prohibition was laid in Surat.

Hello,Saheb ? Myself Surti calling

Within a month since his appointment as the commissioner of police, Tapi town’s honourable top cop has become the talk of the town; oft seen, heard and most definitely feared by miscreants, all around the city of Surat.

Felicitated at a function by leading lalas from industries of textile and diamonds, he was seen warmly welcomed by Surat’s ‘who is who’. Famous businessmen were requested, while lesser known representatives were urged by organizers to come forward for ‘saheb nu samman’, the soul they now look up to for protection from land grabbing bullies and ill meaning elements who wish to hinder their business. Further more, lalas posted the audio recording of the event on You Tube under the title ‘Welcome and Falicitate Shri Rakesh Asthana”, spelling it so, to prove its Surti authenticity.

At the helm of the helmet issue, the commissioner of police was also heard on local FM and at club meets, pointing out to educated adult Surtis, basic and compulsory traffic rules. Commuters who had till date paid little attention to safety details are now paying up fines that amount to lakhs of rupees.

Shady characters meanwhile have gone under the mattresses instead of ‘going to the mattresses’, a la Godfather style. They seem to have vamoosed from the scene, for the time being, knowing only too well that the commissioner, who has won the President’s medal for distinguished service, surely means business when he has promised to ‘legally crackdown on anti-social elements’.

The layman Surti however, has been most impressed with the fact that even as saheb promised peace for prosperity and citizen-police partnership, he also publicly shared his mobile number last week, asking Surtis to fear nobody and call him directly, in case they get tepid response on terror and other issues, from local police stations.

Empowered by having saheb’s number in the phone book, a few claimed to have set up a

“CCC”-Concerned citizen’s committee.

Upon being invited to their first ever meeting last Saturday, curiosity got the better of this columnist to find out what this actually was all about.

A fairly large amount of people had turned up at the designated venue for discussion. Everybody seemed to be speaking all at once.

‘I want to request for a fixed time table for traffic fines. Monday for helmets, Tuesday for seat belts, Wednesday for speed limits etc.’suggested a Citylight homemaker.

‘I simply want to thank him for allowing us to wear helmets designed like the Gladiator head dress; it makes me feel like Russell Crow ‘smiled a dentist from Sagrampura.

While bhaiyajis from Bihar who are vegetable vendors around Parle Point pointed out that they were willingly going to move their carts away “Kyunki bade saheb ne toh hamaarey Laloo Prasad ji ke raj mein fodder kand ka bhi parda farsh kar diya thaa toh hum kya cheez hai .“

The migrant bhabhijis from Kolkuta are impressed for once because “Inhoney kaha thaa ke saheb wohi officer hai jinhoney hamarey West Bengal mein Purulia arms drop case investigate kiya thaa.”

Meanwhile, popular senior citizens Mr.Magan Batla and aunty Batli were on a conference call via satellite, from Daman. ‘As you all know, we are tadipar these days. We are calling over the concern of the disappearance of our niece –Narangi and nephew-Pehli Dharno.They were last seen brewing up by the Tapi, we hope they are safe since they are innocent locals who mean no harm.”


“ Missed call maru ?”

Surti socialites had a more personal agenda, ‘I love men in uniform. All I want to know is which ringtone does his caller tune have. Do you know? Is it Dabangg? ‘

‘I found his name on FB but it turned out to be someone else.’

‘I like the idea of CCTV, am looking forward to see and be seen ‘

A gentleman from Kotsafil road had great concern over cattle which casually strolls around that area,”Aaprey toh koini beek lagtee nathi,whu ? Aaprey toh bindaas puchvanu chey ke bhai aa badha nu whu karvanu chey ? Punn saheb ne aapri bhasha nai hamjan parey’

“This is exactly why we have invited you’, said the CCC president, as all heads turned towards me ,”Can you call him and forward all of our concerns? ”he asked.

Needless to say, this cat scampered from the meet before further curiosity killed it.

DRY DAY, DAMAN.

‘Booze is the social glue of all mankind’, said dear old Barbara Holland who really loved her wine. Little did the dear departed soul know that prohibition in Gujarat leaves one asking for more.

Magan Batla and aunty Batli are being hounded in the dry state, post the hooch tragedy by the king of ‘gud’ times.

The intelligent agencies have all of a sudden, brilliantly discovered that 50% or more amount of illicit liquor in the state wades in from Daman via land or the waters of Arabian Sea.

Hence, all of a sudden, Gujarat’s Cavalla, is threatened for its very existence. Back tracking to the source has meant double jeopardy for all in the business of booze and wine shop owners had 19 to the dozen meetings a day to figure out a way to avoid face off situations.

Last Saturday, might as well go down as one of the darkest day in its Hic –History.

The Daman bandh call by the locals was so well supported that even paanwallahs had shut shop to catch up on siesta. Well meaning political parties have offered full support in exchange of vote banks.

Meanwhile, Goa’s country cousin had visitors left in the lurch, stranded on the rocks instead being able to enjoy one on the rocks. There was ‘water water everywhere, not a drop to drink.’

Regulars and first timers who had visited Daman from dry states or elsewhere, for a whiff of fun, fags and freedom got no high and were left dry .No more a booze shopper’s paradise, where alcoholics could feast their eyes with the sight of their favourite slugs and new stuff on the block.

Here is a farmaish, from them, about their feelings on Dry Day, Daman-

Hungama hai kyun barpa thodi si jo peeli hai-with random checks at the border for even vehicles that were coming into Daman, tourists were left wondering ‘daka toh nahi daala, chori toh nahi ki hai!”Little did they know someone else was cost cutting on the excise front.

Ek toh sharab kum aur paimaana toota hua-With no dearth –e-daru- syndrome ever in the past, people were caught unawares and had not stocked up. Spanning the quaint town resulted in a no win situation with all possible sources at protest against the injustice.


Hui mehengi bahut hi sharab ke thodi thodi piya karo-Alcoholics were singing this number, not nagging wives. Since wine shops were shut, visitors had no options but to drink expensive alcohol by more than 50%-70%, instead of paying corkage charge and drinking their own in local restaurants.

Nashaa sharab mein hota toh naachti bottle-Sang the poor souls who were fleeing the eerie town, as strict vigilance checkers made them open up boot and bags to find nothing.

Sharab cheez hi aisi hai na chhodi jayee-Stalwarts in the habit, took refuge in neighbouring Udavada and lit up the sleepy town with ‘jaahan char yaar mil jaye’

Ek taraf uska ghar, ek taraf maikada-Surat is to have 25 new city gates at the cost of rs.25 lakhs, to welcome people coming in. With most of its exit points leading closer towards its favourite water hole, booze lovers now shudder to think of what kind of welcome will they get on returning into the city.

Tum nahi, gham nahi, sharab nahi, aisi tanhai ka jawaab nahi-Surtis and others returned home on Sunday after a miserable Saturday, with a lesson learnt the hard way.

We try to hold, in full hypocrisy, to the principles of our dear Bapu, the Mahatma when it comes to prohibition.

It’s a shame then, that the heritage walk path of the Dandi march between Surat Navsari has now been conveniently shoved to non existence due to need of the hour road development.

The only question the now bitter but otherwise sweet Surtis want to ask the people concerned is,’Maine pi sharab, tumne kyaa piya?”

SURTI SCAPEGOATS-BULLY KE BAKRE…..
Mister Magan Batla, official Surti alcoholic who is not anonymous, is fuming this New Year. He has decided to hold a dharna right outside a Surti suburb’s fancy police station, below the shady green trees, where the cool breeze blows.

He is extremely upset and angry with the system; and has decided enough is enough,’maari maang poori karo!”(I want my demand met).

Since the system couldn’t handle him, or rather dint know how to, his wife, Ms.Aunty Batli requested me if I could convince him to give up and come home.

‘Shun thayu kaka? Chalo, gharbhega thay jao’ (what happened uncle? come, lets go home) I inquired.

He refused to budge, saying, ‘This is not fair, how can they do this? The entire world celebrates New Year’s Eve, in ‘high spirits’. Year after year, it has always been the same. I have spent my life party hopping on 31st December, hoping that I get some coverage, and what do I get in return? Nothing! This year was a once in a blue moon chance and look what they did; they went and caught some naïve young kids instead of a stalwart like me!

Most of these bachhas do not even know about the consequences and a PHD (properly high on daru) like me is shown no respect for seniority! Shame! While these children are splashed over in news, lashed out at by Surti morale makers and talked about by everyone who has a tongue. This is torture, I resolve to give up alcohol, it’s got me nothing!’

Mr.Magan Batla’s New Year resolution list for Tapi towners –

For tragedy queen mothers- Stop crying. It’s not the end of the world if some ‘well wishers’ come and accuse,’maa da ladla bigad gaya.’your child and his wife are adults now. Remember the time you were young, wild and fancyfree, try to bridge the gap; if under 18, though, they need counseling, pronto!

For little boys’ rich big daddies-Its no big deal if you sneakily tried to get your kid out with your clout, you just showed him a route to escape .Let him grow up the way his other less fortunate friends have, if you want him to learn how to handle himself in future.

For Surtis with double standards-Shut up! Don’t try and create a scandal where there is none. We do not need your wild imagination to add on to someone’s nightmare. Be fully aware, it could easily have been you instead of them.

For the scapegoats-Sorry kids, shit happens! You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Take it in your stride, practice caution, remember to NEVER ever, drink and drive.

For the sahibs in the system-Why this biased treatment, with ‘smelt a brat’ testing system? Have you no respect for senior players like me -Magan Batla? Did you not notice all other places that I visited all around town on New Year’s Eve? Were we not fancy enough for you?
Bakra Ney budley tabbariya kem halaal karya? (why did you spare the goat and sacrifice the ‘kids’ instead)

Tapi town tattle-Aall iz well, even if it doesn’t end well, sometimes.