SURTI POLL KHOLL................
Poll fever is on full swing in Tapi town and wherever one goes, its the power game of politics all around. So, keeping in mind democracy, here are some Surti whispers overheard ,which are, ‘of, by and for’ the people of Surat-
‘Do you know who is writing Sonia’s speeches? And she forgot which one to use where!’
‘So what? Do you remember Namo’s speech at Sparkle? All he talked about was being a visionary and the progress of Gujarat, that too in Hindi! I mean did he forget that he was here to address the Saurashtrians about recession in the diamond trade!’
‘The Congress has ignored all other favourites this year and gone back to diamond baron Dhirubahi Gajera, their way to show their support for the diamond workers.’
‘Where is Mr.Kashiram Rana these days? I hear Mr.Modi is to address the Rana community at Golwaad. You think he will speak in the local language this time around? ’
‘They have chosen Darshanaben this year, there are rumours rife about how Mr.Modi went with his list of 28 candidates and insisted on them. My tandoori non-veg guy has a rickshaw that propagates for her, poster, flag and all.’
‘I wonder if we will have a lady candidate with the chutzpah of Ms Mallika. She seems to be having so much fun, singing and dancing her way through work, into the hearts of the janta,no speeches”
‘Who Sherawat? Wow! she into politics?’
‘No silly, dirty mind! It’s Mallika Sarabhai, the elegant danseuse from Ahmedabad, the cleanest candidate in Gujarat, she is.’
‘Oh yes! She is contesting the same seat as Advani-P.M. in waiting- is standing for.’
‘But why is L.K.ji contesting from Gujarat? That would be a foreign hand in local constituency.’
‘Who Soniaji?’No? Oh o.k. L.K? Now I get it! So, that means the next P.M might as well be from Gujarat, huh?’
‘Yes! Sigh! But I so wish we would get to see more of Rahul back here. I love his dimpled smile’
‘Now ,no need to wonder who is writing his speeches. All he has to do is smile and say which villages he visited and where he had a cuppa tea and the public goes ga ga clapping.’
‘He and Namo get equal fan following. There are bets already about,’ who would be P.M .2014?’
‘Here is to the poster boys, Namo and Rahul, the two names that have been mentioned the most during these elections.’
‘And why not? They are the changing face of Indian politics, the young tarangs of youngistaanis.’
‘The youth is geared up to vote with enthusiasm. They want to see one of their own in politics.’
‘The youngest candidate from Surat then, is Suresh Chotalia.’
‘Who is that?’
‘He is an independent candidate, a jobless diamond worker; working for the benefit of his community. He is propagating his campaign on a cycle.’
‘I wonder who will be writing his speeches.’
‘Oh! He does not need to write any, he simply talks his mind. I hear what he says is similar dialogues from a recent movie, a reel life story about real life stories.’
‘Really? Which movie is that?’
It’s a Surti film with a social message, ‘Havey maarey heera nathi ghasva.’
Tapi town tattle-What will Surti ministers need to be told at the swearing in ceremony? The meaning of swearing.

TREATS TO BEAT SURTI SUMMER HEAT...............
The heat is on in Tapi town. It’s not only just polls and politics that are adding to it but also the Fibre to fabric fair that displayed hot and happening Surti products. Lalas braved the summer heat to proudly showcase Surti talent that none other can beat.
Even as Torrent power has promised not to torment; the Sun god seems in no mood to cool down for the moment. So, here are a few fun ways to beat the heat. Take your pick to cool down this week-

1. Leave for Saputara and spend a week within the clouds.

2. Sip lassi at Gokulam in Adarsh society or Raja lassi at Galemandi.

3. Join a swimming course at any of the private clubs or municipal schools.

4. Wear cotton tank tops, ganji, mulmul jhabhlas bought from Surti streets and make them look fashionable.

5. Those with permits drink chilled beer those without sip on Sosyo.

6. Spend your afternoons watching movies in cool multiplexes.

7. Eat chilled, cold gulkand filled paan at Parle Point or Citylight paan shops.

8. Put up natural fibre mats on your windows and splash them with water. [Even makes A.C.more effective]

9. Fill a tub with cool water, add gulab jal from Hakim Chichi, rose petals from Ambaji temple flower shop and relax.

10. Have a salad lunch at a suburban restaurant.

11. Buy baby powder or Hula Hula from stores around town and splash it on 4 times a day.

12. Read a book and sip iced tea through the afternoon in the T3 lounge at Taj.

13. Relish juicy succulent watermelon titbits under tents set up at Ghodod road, Chowpatty or Bhagal crossroads.

14. Visit the circus and enjoy ice skating within the A.C dome.

15. Go for a walk under the shady green tree tunnel at Police parade ground road.
16. Order in matkis of chilled Rosogullas and mishti doi from Muditas.
17. Apply a thin layer of Vicks vapour rub on face and neck [avoid eyes] splash off with cool water.
18. Nibble on kesar malai kulfis from Agra or Shiv Shakti sweets.
19. Buy a water spray from plastic ware shops in Chautapul and use it as an atomizer.
20. Shop for soft cotton from Hafiz brothers and Tata fabrics and design your own fancy yet comfy kurta –lungi-jammy nightwear.
21. Gorge on Surti sancha ice cream from Sampoorna in Divya Kanti or various Janta outlets.
22. Visit the river bank in the evening and hitch a ferry ride at dusk time.
23. Enjoy chuskis of ice goals from kiosks around town in multi flavours of kachi Keri and kala khatta.
24. Visit A.C. and refrigerator showrooms enjoy the chill [since they are already on] without feeling guilty of not being eco friendly.
25. Hydrate with Soda shiquanji, sherdi ras and mango milkshakes at roadside kiosks.
Think positive and take a chill pill, because, the hotter it gets, the sooner we will have Surti showers.
Tapi town tattle –What has Vijay Mallya nicknamed his most expensive IPL player? ‘Paisa vasool Pietersen.’

SUMMERTIME TREATS FOR TAPI TOWN TODDLERS.................
Hello mommies and daddies! Summer is here full swing and I bet you all have a hundred ideas up your sleeve for your little ones .There will be nineteen to the dozen activity classes available for your pre schoolers to attend.
Surti parents believe that their babies have the unbelievable power and capacity to learn any and everything before their age and time .Hence prenursery kids attend ‘tuition’ for learning stuff.
Truth is, the poor little rich kids are just looking for a place to be themselves. They are tired of nose wax moulding lessons from their maids, foul language classes from their drivers, amidst other creative activities .So; here are a few places that you can take your cherubic charmer around in our town, to improve their motor skills and spend moments of joy with your precious ones.
TRAFFIC PARK-Easily the safest place for your little love to safely ride a tricycle, bycycle with ease and learn a thing or two about traffic rules as well. With a cute little statue of a traffic policeman to welcome you, the cycles available there are nothing to write home about but the good news is that you are allowed to carry your own. Built like a little Noddy Toyland with bridges, bus stops, blinking traffic signals, amongst greenery, it is one place where toddlers and teens can enjoy the freedom of riding. A huge sign board displays and explains road traffic signs that we Surtis definitely need to learn.
SARTHANA ZOO-Alright before you twitch that nose, let me tell you the animals here are no less a visual treat than the ones at the Singapore zoo. We could do with a better bus to take us around and more shady places to relax in, but the friendly animals more than make up for the lack of facilities. Take a map from the office and do a jungle trail with your toddler. The otters here are the friendliest and put up a sweet show. The leopards, lions are majestic, the bears and birds a visual treat as are the deers and antelopes. While at the zoo, do make it a point to visit the butterfly park. Although we do not have many species in there yet, the cooling waterfall and beautiful, colourful foliage is worth a visit.
AQUAIRIUMS-Agreed we do not have one yet.But, there are shops that sell fishes and aquariums all around town.Piplod, Old Umra, Ghodod road, Chowk bazaar, all have a multicoloured collection of swishy delights .Let the young ones watch in wonder as they learn colours, movement and rhythm from their underwater freinds.Teach them about fish food and take a gold fish or two back home for them to care for.
Whether it’s the play pen at Iskcon mall, sand castles at Dumas opposite the Universal Mother statue, playing catch while watching squirrels at Udyaan, Chowpatty, take your toddler out in the sunshine this summer for freedom and fun under the Sun.
Tapi Town Tattle- Which song are all Netas singing for this election? ’Abhi toh mein jawaan hoon!’

SIGHTS FOR SORE SURTI EYES....................
Two Mumbaikars recently shot to ’15 minutes of fame’ as moral police, by lodging a complaint of obscenity against Akshay Kumar, for his indecent proposal in public, to his wife Twinkle Khanna at a recent fashion week.
Surtis of course are least bothered .This so called’bhibhast vartan’ is no big deal to Surtis who are used to couples in love displaying affection on the roadside at Piplod bylanes, Police lines and Athwa lines during the daytime as well as evenings.
In the 80’s, places where couples could meet and enjoy a good scenic view of the Tapti were called ‘the spot’.
Now, there are other spots in Tapi town that have become ‘the places’ for viewing ‘eye candy. ‘Dudes’ hang around doing nothing important in particular, to have a ‘dekko’ at the most good looking women in Surat.
Whether they are young girls, yummy mummies or elegant aunties, here is a guide to their hangouts according to their type-
Sporty –7 .a.m to 10.a.m Many Surti guys hang around at the various gyms in town, trying to pretend they are gearing up for the Mr. Universe competition as they lift a dumbell or two; while they check out health conscious women heaving it out at the hot and sweaty aerobics activity in knitted track pants and cute tees in the gym mirrors.
Shopoholic-10 to 1 p.m is the time when every fashionista worth her fancy gear is on a spree at exhibitions in town or at the mall. These are the regular shoppers who appreciate ‘something new’ on a daily basis and turn small shops into a ramp walker’s paradise as they try out various styles. Boyfriends and husbands often offer to accompany their better halves, for a better view.
Kitty Queens-1 p.m to 4 p.m - restaurants in town are abuzz with the aunty crowd, as they order away and share girlie gossip and gold goodies. Aunties that attend kitties in Surat are dressed to the T.The richer and more powerful they are, the better the restaurant will be. The air is scented with fragrances and food aromas. Men try and arrange ‘business lunches’ at the best joints to ogle at more than the menu.
Culture Clubbers- 4.p.m. to 10p.m –Due to ‘dearth-e-disco’ in town, coffee shops, multiplexes and club premises are places where women of all age groups are found catching up over cappuccino or a recent flick. Dressed in Low waist jeans, chiffon sarees, denim skirts, flowing salwar kameez that mingle in harmony and giggling, as they check back the crowd that’s ‘checking them out.’ Men and boys hang around darting looks at leisure since the risk factor here is minimal.
In short, it does not matter whatever time of day or night, whichever place that you go to in Surat, chances are, that you will surely run into someone who is khubsoorat.
TAPI TOWN TATTLE-According to some people, after being awarded the Padma Shree award, Akshay Kumar should now be awarded the ‘Badmaash shree’ award.

COFFEE WITH CAR RUN..........
There are, but two things that tremendously trigger car sales in Tapi town. One is Dassera and the other is Depreciation.
While the former is for a joyful, pious, good omen reason to buy; the latter on the other hand is purely business.
As March ending nears, every year, Surti Lalas scramble to show purchases that will lead to more income tax depreciation in their tax record adjustments, officially.
Since car companies also want that bright spot in the fiscal year, it’s a twin win situation. This rush boosts their final year ending sales.
Last December, laws for the purchase policy in the automobile industry were changed as an anti recession move. This has triggered even further sales of four wheelers from the tax benefit point of view.
Our blue eyed boy Rahul Gandhi’s recent Surat parikrama, led to a new fad of SUV fashion and all Surti Lalas worth their salts have made sure that they booked one for themselves .Leading car showrooms have confirmed that the demand for suv’s since then has gone up twice as much. Lalas have also had the added benefit of saving up to 3.75 lacs. Since prices for the Suv’s is to go up post March. Lalas now hope to proudly drive around in a look that said,’mine is bigger than yours’.
The aam aadmi is having the last laugh though, with the biggie of tiny technology and bitten by the Tata love bug Nano ,Surti Lalas will have competition in the common man and woman for that matter, looking up with national pride and proudly saying ,’mine is smaller than yours.’
Talking about women, most lalarinas do not care what cc their car is, as long as they get to go to and fro from VLCC in it.
Lalas cleverly make their wives feel like a ‘madamji’ by chivalrously offering a 24/7 chauffer to drive them around. Truth of the matter is, they don’t trust their beauties with anybody; I mean the cars of course not their better halves.
Rolls Royce and most other super luxury cars are not going to lower car sales target for India this year. Since January, car sales in the country seem to have jumped by 22 percent. Surti car dealers have been smiling in delight.
Bardoli’s second hand car market at linear bus stand though, has seen better days.Alongwith the N.R.Is, car sales too have trickled in the past year, unlike before when it was flooded with ready buyers with quick cash. Even luring the present ones with Bardoli’s famous ‘Bharkhadevi American dry fruit ice cream’ is not getting them any buyers as such.
Surti dealers do not need to tempt their ever ready buyers that much. Other than the offer of easy loan, basket of freebie accessories, dull cushions and cute toys, all the potential buyer is offered is a cup of tea or coffee with a free test drive car run.
The coffee at most of our leading car showrooms tastes like ,’dudhpak’.The late Behram Contractor-Busybee,Mumbai’s ace writer once wrote that ,’in the olden days, Mumbai’s India coffee house was the place where car dealers struck the maximum deals and more cars were bought and sold than coffee.’
It’s March ending dearies, and in Lalaland, the case with coffees and cars is exactly the same.

SURTI SCIENCE SHARUKH’S SURGEONS DON’T KNOW OF......
Of late, Tapi town has turned into old Mac. Donald’s farm. With here a quack, there a quack, everywhere a quack quack! Thankfully, now with more people aware of their existence, Surtis will watch out before taking prescriptions from the,’neem Hakeem khatrey jaan’ types. Or rather as Surtis put it,’gunn vagar na gyaani.’
In the old city area, there are some naturopaths- ’pattiwaley babas’; that cook wax like packs in a pan and apply sticky hot tapes to unmentionable body parts that are ailing with oozy boils! They believe a crime is committed only when you prescribe medication without a licence; as long as you do not do that, alternative medicine is legal enough.
There is however, another kind of alternative medicine which the government of Gujarat used to provide official licence for, after years of observation and practice. Though the government has now discontinued licence for this particular field, the ‘juna ane jaanita’ licence holders continue to soothe the pain of hundreds of patients a day, men women and children for an extremely nominal cost against the service they render.
If you have grown up in Surat as a child, chances are that a game of cricket, kabbaddi, khokho or catching the cook left you with a twisted arm, dislocated shoulder, swollen ankle or some such ailment for which you would have inardvently visited a bone setter a.k.a.’hadvaid’.’This term is a short form of ‘hadkana vaid’.
Since ancient Egyptian times, bone setting is an art that is an acquired skill. It is ancestral knowledge, which has been passed on down the generations, through sheer experience. A science that exists from a time when there were no chiropractors, osteopaths or therapists. ‘Bone manipulation is the Science of having X-ray vision’, a stalwart in the field told me. ‘We believe in preserving the bones,not removing them. I can confidently say, if Sharukh and Atal Bihari Vajpayee had come to Surat, they would be cured without surgery.
Unlike our state of the art hospitals and clinics, a hadvaid’s clinic is generally a no nonsense, simple room, divided by a curtain in respect to the patient’s privacy. Cool Kota stone floors, with a whirring fan over old wooden benches and most definitely a poster or two of the visual human body chart with an anterior and posterior view. You can discover where medial/lateral condyle of femur, middle phalanx, lumbar vertebra and other such interesting body parts exist within your frame. Within the curtained room, one look at the trouble spot makes the experienced therapist know a ‘tachakda’ or popping in which particular angle will provide immediate relief.
Although swellings take time to heal, the pain relief is instant. Mortar and pestle ground cold and hot pastes that look like face packs are prepared at home by hadvaids. Everyone has their own special receipes with herbal ingredients that come in from the jungles of Dang,Bharuch,Vyaara etc.Once the dislocated bone is set, its painted with a ‘lep’ and neatly bandaged in white gauze and the patient gets to go home immediately.Now,only if Sharukh and Vajpayee knew about it.
TAPI TOWN TATTLE –What did Fiza’s phone friend turn into? Phoney fiend!

SURTI POLL ETHICS..........
The poll dice and dates have rolled and the biggest gamble of 2009 has begun. Even as you read this, it has been decided throughout this great nation of ours, that this time around, it is going to be the thinker’s vote that will win.
As the media is playing a responsible role in generating awareness, pre election thought process polls have resulted in common views-Indian voters stand united in what they want to see in their future lok sevaks.
The list of qualifications is not long but, is by our political standard, a pretty tall one. Indians want young, educated, non biased, free of criminal records, grounded visionaries who are locals of the constituency they represent.
The Surti voters are worried to death with this list .Though they completely agree with their fellow countrymen, they fear their candidates might not live up to all the needful. But Surtis are now loaded with their new election voting cards, which they have earned by standing in unending queues, for long hours. They have decided to put it to good use.
Voters in Tapi town seem to be set with who deserves their precious votes. Unfortunately, the vote bank is divided, here is why.....
Yarn importers vs. spinners-Finger pointing in this segment has been on since long, as each party accuses the other to be working hand in glove with ministers to tip the scales in their favour of moolah making policies. It’s going to be vote for note in this one, hands down for sure. No fan following or party loyalty will hold more importance than the one who will get the job done.
Diamond workers vs. Diamond merchants-Having run from pillar to post and yet returned empty-handed, this recession hit sector is now aimless when it comes to voting. Left, right and centre have all proved to be pointless directions and they are lost. New complications now arise, as they want vote for change, in a battle that is now within.
Industrialists vs. Environmentalists-Even as our state begins with its new agenda of global warming, both the polluting parties and anti polluting brigades are up in arms. It’s question of survival of the filthiest against the fittest in this case. It is going to be a catch 22 for politicians with this one as progress loving Surtis are used to bending rules .A clean, green Surat is not as easy as it sounds.
Boys vs. Men-Our blue eyed boy Rahul Gandhi and his outspoken friend Sachin Pilot, with their yuva inspiring quips have raised a stir in the young guns. Thinking unlike their dads; who have always agreed with and have been following a clear visionary so far, the young hearts of Surat want to tread a new path. They want to set a new trend, by voting as an Indian, not as a caste, for a better future. Polls this year are sure to see the change brought about by the youth.
The female frenzy, however, I hear are unanimous with their choice for this once.
Well, only time and midsummer will tell us who shall emerge as the people’s choice.
For now, all Surtis stand united on the thought that,Aeni ’! @#^&%*#@! [Unprintable body parts] Jey pun avay, te kharu, dhandho dhum dhum vo joiye!
TAPI TOWN TATTLE-With the government failing to practice Gandhigiri, what brought Bapu’s belongings back? Mallyagiri!