IDES OF MARCH…TIDES OF TROUBLE……..
The Ides of March stand for the first day of the Roman lunar calendar.15th of March, the day that dear old Julius Caesar was asked to beware of and assassinated on. Down the ages, this date is one that resonates doomsday for the superstitious just as Shakespeare had warned; a fore bringer of misfortune, according to many soothsayers.
In present day, our Surti Lalas got a taste of the Ides of March throughout the month. It has been a relentlessly cruel month for them………..

As the month began, a staggering stock market and the sensex knocked the senses out of both the sexes who locked more than horns, as the Bears and Bulls saw red. Dabba traders got tinned by the city police, real estate prices plummeted and diamond traders got singed by the scorcher of the share market’s Holi pyre even as Surti housewives blew up family money set aside to retire. In a town where cash is perennially in flow, liquidity saw many a dry day.

The textile sector got a blow by the FM [Budget, not radio silly!] with no relief to old woes. An 8 % addition of excise duty on imported weaving machines turned ‘TUF into tough’ for the weavers. Thus, spelling days of doom to Lalas who own power looms. With global competition warming up, prospects of growth seem bleak at present for Tapi town weavers who were set to go the long haul in upgrading their technology.

Tax evaders who are in the trade of property, diamond and textile have had a long, difficult month. Most of them were actually given the Ides of March i.e. March 15th.as the last day to cough up the indigestible tax returns. I-T officials seem to have hitched the Lalas, hook line and sinker; leaving no nook or corner for escape. VAT evaders ki toh vaat lag gai! With the Fiscal deadline fast approaching for this financial year, there were chaotic queues at offices of the revenue department as Surtis endlessly lined up and set their records straight to avoid being penalized later.

As though all this was not enough, the Jantri’s Jantar Mantar took the town completely unawares. Surat’s Bahumaali Bhavan turned into a clubhouse as the public, police; lawyers and bouncers tussled over equal rights of registration and decided to ‘go to the mattresses’- a la Godfather. Stamp paper demands caused a stampede. Amongst all the hungama, many stories unfolded along with the sleepover ka saman and hot tales arose along with the Tiffin box lids which Surtis came equipped with. The event also brought together snooty socialites from Parle Point to rub shoulders with the humble hasinas of Varachha, as most Surtis register their property in the name of the fairer sex. Lalas had to line up in person for once to officially register property in the proper way. Not being used to function without corruption, many Surtis unnecessarily slipped in extra currency with the registration amount, in hope that it would earn them an upgraded registration [or so they thought]!

Thus the scorching summer has begun with most Surtis in a soup. For once, March ending will bring a sigh of relief to Tapi towners. Hopefully, the month of April will bring in happier times. But, do watch out dear Lalas, because the new month begins tomorrow with April Fools Day! Here’s wishing you a happy one.

SURAT’S SPRING SERENADE….............
Holi days are here again! No baba, am not talking about this week that is full of holidays, inspite of the fact that we have Idd, Good Friday, Holi, Easter, all lined up. Am talking of how the entire week past and present is being colourfully celebrated by us Rangeela Surtis. Though Dhuleti is officially at the end of the week, denizens are at it already, there is colour abound all around Tapi town! Everybody is celebrating in their own style, here is a peek:
SMC -Holi Special, H2O-The Surat Municipal Corporation is celebrating Holi since the past 10 days. They are regularly supplying us yellow coloured water to drink, wash and bathe to remind us Phagun is here .Though some spoilsports are constantly complaining about the hygiene hassles of the same. Nevertheless, the corporation is working really hard to maintain the festive mood with the colour density getting deeper by the day. Watch out, by dhuleti you may discover a new shade of brown flowing from your taps if you co-operate with the corporation and do not dampen the SMC’s Holi spirit.

GROCERS- Rang Le, Basanti-It’s the most resplendent time of the year for our spice suppliers. Lanes all over Surat have little dunes of Lal Mirchi powder, Mustard Haldi, Lime Green Dhania powder, Brown Jeera, resting under even more colourful tents .From roadsides of Parvat Patia to Bhatar, Ghodod to Varachha, masala makers are tempting Surti housewives to hoard the same; Rang De their spice storage space this spring season with chili, turmeric, coriander and cumin.

KIDS- Maar, Daala!-Of course this is one festival where spoilt Surti kids have their loving parents spend unlimited moolah on fancy squirters from China and toxic colours from Sachin/Pandesara. But the kids as usual have a mind of their own. If you have been smacked with a smelly plastic pouch in the past week, you will know what I mean. Terraces and balconies have been converted into fortresses by the bachha brigade. Giggling away as they have a go, hurling water packed plastic bags and pouches on unsuspecting pedestrians and riders. It is sad to see how parents support this act of polluting the Town, body and mind with marksmanship; they treat the matter so lightly.

MITHAI -Magic Mantra-The onset of the colour festival has inspired our sweet meat makers to display an array of edible rainbow coloured preparations, along with multi coloured legal addictives like Kewra,Saffron, Pistachio and Rose thandai. Consuming the same will help you instantly colour your internal organs as well, lest you complaint that Holi is only skin deep.
’Holi Hai! Yaar.’so, make sure you spread the smiles.
So folks, even though the D-day is at the other end of this week, we Surtis have been celebrating a vibgyor Dhuleti routine. Jokes apart, do try and spend this fun festival with family and friends in an Eco- friendly way. Celebrate spring in true Surti style, colour Tapi town with Peace, Love and Happiness. Forget past differences because,
SURTI LALAS -Ab Tera Kya Hoga Lala?-Keeping up with the colour theme, this Surti lot is going Pink, Crimson, Red in the face since some time now, as they own up to or try to explain their Tax return goof ups of the past. Without even a sip of bhaang, they claim to be seeing multi coloured stars in broad daylight during the I T department’s survey sessions!

TAPI TOWN’S TRAFFIC TRIVIA…
Press, Horn. O.k. Please, A.2.A.V.K.V? Before you raise a surprised brow, let me explain the reason behind this lingo; driving around a city is a great way to know more about its people and culture. Here are a few observations while cruising along the streets of our hometown Surat-
U-19? Me-15! -- So what if we do not have a player to qualify for the under 19 cricket team? Should there ever be a competition for underage drivers; Surtis will beat the others hands down [literally] to win the world championship! Our kids are so talented; we have 15 year olds who handle a four wheel drive as easy as apple pie.
Yours, mine and ours…..Surtis love to share, they are not selfish .So, when they listen to music in their vehicles, they make sure the entire neighbourhood is listening. Often at a signal a jugalbandi can be enjoyed by the music blaring out of different cars and autos. It is after all rare to hear Atif Ali, Bon Jovi perform along with Bappida.
Time table rules-Our traffic police is extremely organized. They do not trouble tired drivers with all the tiresome rules. Everyday is fixed for a certain norm. So on Mondays, you are fined for not using helmets, on Tuesdays for not using seat belts, On Wednesdays for not carrying P.U.C and so on. If you figure out the days of the ‘fine routine’, you will be ticket free this season.
Tow in time-Surtis are allowed to park wherever, whenever they please to do so. The tow truck visits each area twice a day. All the time in between is efficiently utilized by students, housewives and chauffeurs to park their vehicles however they wish to do so in areas that proclaim to be a ‘No Parking Zone.’
Left, Right and Centre- Surtis are very competent drivers .Although they drive right hand drive vehicles, they follow rules of International driving standards and change the routes as per their mood. They can drive at great speed on the wrong side of the street, change lanes like Formula 1 drivers, and enter No Entry zones. Auto drivers signal by foot, cyclists do not even bother. Surtis work very hard to make sure that if you can drive in Surat, you can drive anywhere in the World.
Pillion million, nano is moto—two seaters are easily converted to four seaters by Surtis. The backrest and petrol tank of bikes accommodate happy Surti families with ease as also friends who bond on their bikes.
Vintage wonders—although we do not have cars to qualify in this bracket, we do have auto rickshaws and trucks on the road which belong to the long bygone past era .In spite of living on a prayer, these run around selflessly for public service.
Hearing Disability-Surtis make sure you remember their signature tune so they spend money to use high decibel tunes as music while reversing their cars, lest you forget who was visiting.
Shady characters-Lalas love to look at their town through rose tinted glasses. So they have films that shade car glasses from light to the darkest shade of brown depending on how deep the owner’s intentions are.
Express way-In this driver’s paradise, the horn is used to express one’s feelings. Be it anger, happiness, calling out friends, Surtis communicate by honking away.
So dearies, if you want to develop your driving skills, improve your vocabulary, and sharpen your reflexes, take a drive around Tapi town. Here scratched, dented and grazed vehicles that are colour blind to red signals, merrily bump around.

SERIGRAPHY TO SARIGRAPHY, SURTI LALA STYLE……

The word serigraph comes from the root words ‘Seri’ meaning silk in Latin and‘Graphos’
meaning to draw, in Greek. Serigraphy is silk screen printing, one of the oldest forms of print reproduction, an intricate process that demands great expertise. Using this technique to make open and limited editions of art replicas was first made popular in the 1960s, by the American ‘Prince of Pop art’-Andy Warhol. The idea was to make multiple copies of art affordable to a new segment of buyers interested in owning artwork. Original serigraphs are numbered and signed by the artist as proof of authenticity.
Closer home, our ‘whalah Surti Lalas’ have been practicing similar methods to mint moolah.Here is the low down on it……….
Since as early as the thirteenth century, Surat has been a trade centre for textile. Cloth from around the country was processed [dyed, block printed, washed, finished] and exported from here, often bartered for other goods from around the world. From Kinkhabs, Cotton and Silks then, to Polyester now; 1 out of every 3 sarees available in the country these days is manufactured in Surat. Surti Lalas are the undisputed lords of man made textile in the country. Printed fabrics from our town drape people from Kashmir to Kanyakumari not to mention exports to Kenya, Kansas and further on!

Heavy demand of Screen printed sarees manufactured in Surat, has created an ever hungry market for new prints and designs. The textile designers in town give their best shot for the same but apparently cannot cope up. It is common practice in Tapi town therefore, to go on a ‘print shopping spree ‘! Trendy prints are lifted off original works of renowned artists from out of town, to replicate them on the warp and weft of polyester.Sarees and fabrics by famous designer labels from Mumbai, Delhi, Kolkatta, who put to use talent and expertise to create exclusive prints, are sought and bought by Surti mill masters on a regular basis. Direct copies and modified versions of the same are screen printed on Surti saris to lure buyers who get great value for money in the bargain. Nowadays, imitations of Benarasi weaves, Parsi embroidery, Jamavar etc are also machine manufactured in synthetic fabrics.
’Jo achha dikhta hai, who achha bikta hai!”is the SurtiLala’s, favourite formulae; Trademark or copyright are words that do not feature in his dictionary. Hence, our printing industry mostly thrives on unofficially reproducing designs which are the current flavour of the fashion season. It is the easiest and quickest route to sure shot profit making for our mill maaliks, not to mention the happy housewives who get to keep the designer originals when hubby dearest is through with the ‘sari’graphy. To their credit, so well are the prints replicated by our mills that at times it becomes impossible to tell the original from the copy, at first look.
By the way, while we are on the subject of serigraphy, the 10 day ‘Kala Mahotsav’ in town ended yesterday. For sale at this art festival, were beautiful serigraphs by popular artists like S.H .Raza, Jogen Chowdhury, Thota Vaikuntam, Madhavi Parekh, and Amit Ambalal. There were no takers of these works in Textile town. Upon being explained what a serigraph meant, potential buyers at the gallery, did not want to purchase what was’ a replica of the original.’Kyaa matlab hai?’ Questioned a Lala, “Yeh toh copy hai, hum toh sirf original pasand kartey hai! Iski kyaa value?” He thundered in a tone that would have made dear old Mr. Warhol quiver in his grave. Copy that?

SATURDAY NIGHT FERVOUR! DESPITE ‘DEARTH-E-DISCO’
A recent trend in weekend parties is,’ The D.J. night’ .Due to ‘dearth-e- discothèques’ in town, Surtis now organize dance parties at their own private premises to boogie their blues away.So, within a room, hall or terrace, you have a sound system that blares away, put up along with a strobe and some flashy laser lights, all handled by the local D.J .The invitees wade in from 10 P.M.onwards to dance in wild abandon through the night. Friends take turns to host these, depending on whose parents are away on that weekend.

The reason for this trend may also be a result of the so called’ Western Dance’ classes which have sprung up nineteen to the dozen, of late, in Tapi town . These classes are efficiently run by amateurs, who love to admire themselves in the mirrors while students prance to their tunes. Known as the ‘dancing sirs’, they promise to turn our Surti ‘lalarinas’into ballerinas. Shops in arcades around town are rented out and converted into dance studios to serve the purpose.

Enthusiastic housewives, teenagers and children throng these and pay atrocious amounts to learn desi freestyle versions of what is presented to them in the name of dance. Tapi Tango, Surti Salsa, Wishful Waltz, Chulbula Cha Cha Cha etc; performed on Indipop music by the flexible eye candy .Surti mommies and aunties who look upon these as a great place to loose weight are getting into the groove here. Shaking a leg to,’ hips don’t lie’ [how apt] in hope that it takes their’ breadth’ away.

Unfortunately, most Surti Hubbies do not share the excitement of performing fancy moves with their now’ bitter ‘halves. Consequently, the ladies either search for a willing female partner or dance by themselves or with their own shadows to enact out these newly learnt skills.Surti men, on the other hand, like to dance in groups.‘Jhoond ma Nacho ‘is their motto. So irrespective of the fact that Bruce Springsteen is crooning, ’Dancing in the dark, ‘or Bryan Adams is soulfully singing,’Everything I do, I do it for you,’ the guys are busy, hopping away in a circle that would remind you of’ ring a ring of roses’ from kindergarten. Talk about male bonding, man!

The all-time favourite step of all Surti men is easily the ‘Kaipo che’ and ‘Lapate’ step that resembles the act of kite-flying and rolling the thread reel. The other popular step is a version of ‘two taali garba ’with an action of boxing and hopscotch added to it. Sometimes, they mime fervently playing a guitar or the drums too! Whether they are dancing at weddings, parties, Navratri or New Year’s Eve, Surti men are sure to shake their booty, in the above mentioned ways.

All in all, it would be rare, to see a Surti who is not raring to go for it unabashedly on the dance floor. As the women jerk hysterically to ‘sexy, naughty, bitchy me’, men jovially jump to,’ another brick in the wall’ and kids perform acrobatics to,’dard-e-disco’, in the name of dance, they do so powered by the great Surti spirit and freedom of expression, ‘aapde toh bhai aavaj chiye’.Thus, the evening culminates into a freestyle of-
‘Salsa, nacho and tang-o’ combo [no reference to food here, mind you.]
So rejoice dearies and celebrate Saturday night’ fervour’without inhibitions and ‘prohibition’ because, D.J. Nights are here to stay as Surtis sway their stress away!

THE COLOUR OF MONEY IS BLACK AND WHITE, HONEY!
Last year, a guest from Mumbai, was shocked out of his bank balance! Here’s why-- He purchased a television for his parents from a prominent electronic store in Surat and the shop keeper said,’ Sorry sir, we do not have a credit card machine!’ ‘What kind of money do you people carry around here?’ he asked me amazed because the said television model was for an amount that ran in five high figures.’ The black kind’, I answered jokingly, but turns out that it’s true! Solid Surtis are always Liquid cash rich-here is why-
Surat-The land of the Lalas, always has been associated with Diamonds, Textiles, Property and Trade. Money talks here and how!’Maal=Golmaal’ everything is available here if you can afford the tag, School admissions and top official ranks, licence for thrills and forbidden lands. Anything illegal is no problem, being rich here is your claim to fame and buying out the opposition is the name of the game. The Surti Lala racks his brains around the clock, to make sure his path is clear of any legal blocks.

‘Laundry Service’ in Laladom would actually mean conversion of black money to white.
‘Solid hai toh Liquid hai! --Whether it’s Gold, foreign currency, property, stocks and shares, world wide travel stamps on the passports, or a fleet of fancy cars, you name it and Surtis have it. Most Surtis do not need to swipe their credit cards for any of the above because they have enough cash that is unaccounted for, which can get them whatever they wish for. Hence, nothing is out of reach for the deep pocketed Surti.

‘Cash hai toh ash hai!’ ’-- Surtis have innovative ways of using their extra bucks; here is how their money works….
While most other cities around us would kick up a storm against inflation, corruption, violation of consumer rights, we almost take pride in practicing the same. Impossible school norms, flexible traffic rules, erratic working schedules are followed routinely. Pollution of water, air, land, every and any kind is legal here if you have the money to buy it. The other Indians from Punjab, Rajasthan, Bengal and Madhya Pradesh have migrated here to make that quick buck and so when in Surat, they too do as the Surtis do.

‘Moolah Mantra’--It does not matter if your money is black or white, in Surat it is your ticket to the quickest route on the top rung of the social ladder. Money may not buy you culture or style, but here it surely gets you a million smiles.Surat is often accused for not having any infrastructure for education, culture or medicine. The simple reason for that is that ‘Mara Whalah Surti Lalas’ think that they can always buy the same when needed. So though our growth as a progressive town shows wonders, are basic infrastructure remains a big blunder.

‘Ay, Kya Bolta Tu?’--The next time you happen to hear a conversation in Surat that involves the words’kala key dhola?’I.e.black or white? It might not be a T.V or hair or clothes that are being discussed; chances are that it’s the colour of money, honey.

Anyways, to get back where we started from, keeping up with good marketing strategy, in true Surti style, the above mentioned store ran an advertisement a week later and it proclaimed just one line-------------------’we accept all credit cards.’

WEDDING VOWS-----WOWS AND WOES……………
Once upon a time, weddings in Surat were a simple, private affair. No’ Big B influence,’ just a ceremony to sanctify the couple’s confluence .The Sheri where the bride lived [since almost everybody lived within the walled city in those days] would be covered with a colourful ‘mandva’ that gave a rosy hue to the entire lane. So, the said street was officially blocked for two days……….
Day one would be a casual evening, where the family of the bride and neighbours would sing out traditional folk songs and apply mehndi, post dinner. The oldies would relax on ‘gadlas’,chewing away at their betel nut leaves, preening their eyes to see children, grandchildren and great- grandkids mingle.
Day two was the exciting part, where within a ‘mandap’ put up since the morning ,puja would be performed by the bride and parents.Then,the same venue would be done up in fresh, fragrant local flowers, with two’ sankheda’ patlas or chairs facing each other, ready for the wedding. Family members sat around it and blessed the newly weds. Traditional lunch , prepared by a maharaj,was served at an open’ wadi’ down the street .Invitees would eat out of disposable khakhar baaj and dadiyas, in turns which were called ‘pehli pangat’, ‘beeji pangat’ and so on. Sheri boys served Yummylicious food that included farsan, seasonal vegetables- lilva, undhiyu or panchkutiyu, daal, pickles. If the kids got lucky, there would be a sancha ice cream for dessert too, in addition of course, to the ace traditional delicacy- Lapsi.

As times changed, so did weddings and their venues .From Sheri to ‘nath ni waadi’ to present day ,where farm houses on the city outskirts are converted into places that resemble ‘Jumbo Circus’.Surti versions of fancy cuisine from around the world along with juices named’anarkali’ and’ toofani minty’, are served by a troupe of stiff, uniformed chaperones. Fake Flora and Fauna of impossible colours are put up all around in the name of décor!
Influenced by Sooraj Barjatya, Surti weddings have become week long’ affairs’ [literally]’.Guest lists too, read like ‘hum aapke hai kaun?’ Everyone is invited. The festivities begin with ‘sangeet’the official word for cocktails .Everybody that the bride/groom’s parents know gets to perform on filmy numbers, with clothes to match. Soon, the stage turns into a who is who? The happiest people in this ceremony are the boozers, huddled in a room, enjoying the alcohol as long as it flows. Also happy are the ‘begaani shaadi mein Abdullah deewana’types, who were invited because they were friends of the bride’s mother’s best friend, but now feel like family and circulate likewise.

Then, follow the Mehndi night, DJ night, and Bachelor/Spinster night etc.which are like fancy-dress dos. The unsaid rule for these though, is ‘BOB’ i.e. bring your own booze and find your own corner. Sometimes, unemployed artists from Mumbai grace these celebrations. DAY 6 is the ‘Mosalu’, a very personal ceremony with only 500 invitees, who get to ogle at part of family fortune being exchanged. Usually a day ceremony, where everybody is sober and sleepy. The elders love this one since they do not feel lost on this important day and get to have their say. Also, a day when everybody cries, for different reasons.
The Wedding and Reception are more or less similar, with the same 2500 people wandering about, clueless. By then, the Bride and Groom have had enough. Tired and weary, as they automatically smile at every face that appears in front of them. I also suspect they hate their designer gear by now. Poor souls, talk about an ‘unforgettable experience.
’Phew! I think that’s a wrap on weddings for this season .Now, I have to deal with the dilemma of my wedding wear not meeting a disastrous end at the dry cleaners. As I sort out what goes where, I realize how much I miss the ‘Sheri lagan maharaj ni khatti mithhi daal.’ Somehow, nothing in the world tastes as good as that did…………….

ARTISTIC DISILLUSION……………Recently, certain members of Indian society called upon a boycott on all Godrej products. Reason being; the owners of the said company had hosted author Salman Rushdie at their guest house. This caused a divide in staunch followers of both religion and brand paraphernalia; but this column is not about that.
Rushdie dwells in London also the present place of residence to one of our most well known and commercially successful contemporary artist.Mr.Hussain who needs no introduction, is cooling heels in London. He lives in exile because through his art, he has upset the feelings of certain individuals by what they thought was as unacceptable form of representation.
Getting back to art, four years ago, Mr.Hussain had visited Surat. The occasion was the grand opening of one of the most beautiful art galleries in India .Also; the only gallery in Surat that displays art [since the other two are rented out to bored rich housewives who display their fancy wares for a quick buck in copied versions of original paintings]. After addressing a packed audience that sat in awe, Hussain promptly painted a scene from his childhood that depicted a child, his bicycle and his mother .It is displayed here along with many of his other works. The said gallery is within the Bela mills compound and is owned by Garden. Originally an English factory, this mill still retains its old world charisma. A heritage in itself, with its octagonal brick chimneys, majestic wooden beams and roofs that seem sky high. The private collection of paintings and sculptures within is a wish list for every art lover. Works by S.H.Raza, Tyeb Mehta, K.H.Ara, N.S.Bendre to name a few, proudly share space on the huge walls. Many a painting sought after by the National Gallery of Modern Art lies locked here. This exclusive and invaluable gallery which was presented to the Surtis as a culture gift was shut down to public viewing after it was gate crashed and vandalized on 29-1-2004 by certain members of our ‘aam janta’.Objecting to a couple of paintings portrayed which they thought were offensive to their religious sentiments, they destroyed eight priceless ones in the bargain.
Coming back to art-’Tapti’ as the collection is named, is home to over 150 works of several superb masters, one of whom is Bhupen Khakhar, who studied at the Faculty of Fine Arts in Vadodra. Lately, the same Faculty was attacked by people whose national sentiments were hurt by the artistic expressions on some college students ‘canvas.
Anyway; getting back to what we are talking about, lets know more about Bhupen Khakhar -brilliant, by far one of India’s greatest painters. Mr. Misunderstood, he was known as the ‘enfant terrible’ in the Indian Art circuit and nobody other than his
Colleagues understood the method in his madness. He began painting at the age of 28 and surprised critics with his bold impressions.Brave enough in his times to announce to an oppressive world that he was a homosexual. This accountant turned artist’s masterpieces were dubbed as ‘gay’ and proscribed by starchy officials and art critics who found his audacity unacceptable. Though the Indian media was then intolerant towards the spectacular works of this Master, he received International acclaim thus putting Vadodra on the art world map. Posthumously; his paintings are a rage and constantly in demand. An extensive collection of his fine works lies locked and secure in Surat staring out at other contemporary paintings, behind what I suspect are heavy Godrej locks. The only International sit down portrait ever painted by this genius, was created on request for the British High Commission. It is called ‘The Moor’ and is that of author Salman Rushdie.
Err…………..I suppose that brings us back full circle to where we started off from.