TAXED BY INCOME IN TAPI TOWN


So you thought that life in Lalaland was a bed of roses, eh? Well, well well, not really and certainly not in the last few days of March.

These are difficult days, with even more difficult words, poor rich lalas can’t even pronounce them properly –perquisite, deficits, assets, assessments, disclosures etc.

You see, too much of anything is never a good thing. Post the dreaded Ides of March, its show time of a different kind, when more profits might mean more loss, for a change.

No matter how much a Lala is troubled by these days of the year, year after year, it still turns out to be the same story for him.

The officers in charge have to complete a set target and every lala in town fears he and his company might be it- the flavour of the month of March.

He has to pull up his socks a little higher, mug up quick ways of explaining his tax exemption theory, how he made hay from tax free agricultural income, how he escaped paying taxes in the name of his spouse and children, how he believes in’ philanthropy begins at work’, when the officers discover the accounts in names of various employees and their family members and be answerable to all the magic bonds that he used to pocket a few rupees more, rather than part with them.

If there is anyone who is closest and most supportive to the Lalas during the month of March, it is, no, not the spouse or the other woman in his life, it’s his CA= Chartered Accountant.

The ‘see a CA’ theory is what gives the Lala some relief, if any and you will often find him cozying up more with his CA ,than his wife in the evenings .

Lalas and their tactful CAs communicate in the language of love-‘pyaar and dil’, err… make that PR and Deal. Both share a ‘deal ka rishta.’

Here is an example of what text messages between the two may read like-

Lala-Deal deke dekho.
CA-Hum deal de chukey sanam.

Lala-Isharo isharo mein deal leney waley, bataa tuney hunar ye seekha kahaan se?
CA-Jab PR kiya toh darna kyaa, PR kiya koi chori nahi ki.

Lala-Deal diya, dard liya?
CA-Deal apna aur treat parayi.

To make things worse, there is tattle within the CA circle that last minute raids in March will be carried out, so as to not give an opportunity to plan.

Officers meanwhile are pointing out ,how Lalas and Co are gaining advantage points by smart play .Figuring their ways out from taxing times ,with TOING theory-“Tax on income no ghotalo.”

It seems the fables and theories put forward each year are getting funnier and more entertaining by the year.

First timers on duty in Surat are amused at how naïve the Surti lala and his CA seem to take department to be.

Who knows, with the Surti fetish for classes to acquire new skill, we might soon have a private ‘dodge your dread session’, by appointment only.

Be rest assured, Lalas wont mind paying dearly for this one.

IDES OF MARCH…TIDES OF TROUBLE……..
The Ides of March stand for the first day of the Roman lunar calendar.15th of March, the day that dear old Julius Caesar was asked to beware of and assassinated on. Down the ages, this date is one that resonates doomsday for the superstitious just as Shakespeare had warned; a fore bringer of misfortune, according to many soothsayers.
In present day, our Surti Lalas got a taste of the Ides of March throughout the month. It has been a relentlessly cruel month for them………..

As the month began, a staggering stock market and the sensex knocked the senses out of both the sexes who locked more than horns, as the Bears and Bulls saw red. Dabba traders got tinned by the city police, real estate prices plummeted and diamond traders got singed by the scorcher of the share market’s Holi pyre even as Surti housewives blew up family money set aside to retire. In a town where cash is perennially in flow, liquidity saw many a dry day.

The textile sector got a blow by the FM [Budget, not radio silly!] with no relief to old woes. An 8 % addition of excise duty on imported weaving machines turned ‘TUF into tough’ for the weavers. Thus, spelling days of doom to Lalas who own power looms. With global competition warming up, prospects of growth seem bleak at present for Tapi town weavers who were set to go the long haul in upgrading their technology.

Tax evaders who are in the trade of property, diamond and textile have had a long, difficult month. Most of them were actually given the Ides of March i.e. March 15th.as the last day to cough up the indigestible tax returns. I-T officials seem to have hitched the Lalas, hook line and sinker; leaving no nook or corner for escape. VAT evaders ki toh vaat lag gai! With the Fiscal deadline fast approaching for this financial year, there were chaotic queues at offices of the revenue department as Surtis endlessly lined up and set their records straight to avoid being penalized later.

As though all this was not enough, the Jantri’s Jantar Mantar took the town completely unawares. Surat’s Bahumaali Bhavan turned into a clubhouse as the public, police; lawyers and bouncers tussled over equal rights of registration and decided to ‘go to the mattresses’- a la Godfather. Stamp paper demands caused a stampede. Amongst all the hungama, many stories unfolded along with the sleepover ka saman and hot tales arose along with the Tiffin box lids which Surtis came equipped with. The event also brought together snooty socialites from Parle Point to rub shoulders with the humble hasinas of Varachha, as most Surtis register their property in the name of the fairer sex. Lalas had to line up in person for once to officially register property in the proper way. Not being used to function without corruption, many Surtis unnecessarily slipped in extra currency with the registration amount, in hope that it would earn them an upgraded registration [or so they thought]!

Thus the scorching summer has begun with most Surtis in a soup. For once, March ending will bring a sigh of relief to Tapi towners. Hopefully, the month of April will bring in happier times. But, do watch out dear Lalas, because the new month begins tomorrow with April Fools Day! Here’s wishing you a happy one.