TRAFFIC SAFETY WEAK …ERR WEEK.
Tapi town was all geared up last week. Colourful events were organized, to make its denizens more aware on the serious issue of traffic rules.

The SMC ground besides Chowpatty garden, where Surtis normally enjoy their chatpata street food fare, was chosen as the flag off point.

The band played a solemn tune after which a pledge was taken by the brigade, to make sure that Surtis would be shown safety measures regarding local road travel.

At the crossroads that lead to the circuit house, a sweet voice sang out from a very bad quality speaker, attached to a pole outside the police booth.

Supposedly rendering an awareness song, this was probably penned by a wannabe police poet. It was sharp enough to bring normal traffic to a screeching halt.

The mascots for the event were a bunch of ugly, duplicated zoo zoos.

They looked scary, yet confused (in accordance to the theme, I was told).

Talented children were provided walls of medical and educational institutions to depict their ideas on the subject of road safety.

I hear the event was a huge success; huge amount of fines were collected to prove the same.

Unfortunately, unlike other towns, we Surtis face very different traffic problems. We require special training to combat the same and here are a few suggestions for the next traffic safety week-

The Logo-Karo ya maro.

The Mascot-An athletic looking Surti, in fancy sports gear.

The training programme-

1. Dirt bike racing-For skilled maneuvering over dug up roads that have long lost their cemented cover and provide uphill and downhill terrain within the town.

2. Golfing- The idea here is to have an eye for the potholes and avoid them instead, lest you want a ‘one in the hole ‘for your car tyre. (Promiscuous Surtis sit down and behave yourselves! This has nothing to do with your hero-Tiger)

3. Hundred meter hurdles-Our diversion signs have been so placed on the roads that it requires special skill to avoid them on one side and some jagged edge or vehicle on the other. Vehicles will need to hop, skip and jump for the same.

4. Fencing-As self defense against the cutting edge of our lord of the strings kite runners; pedestrians and bikers will need to master the art of special sword fencing .Thus, cut out chances of a slit hit.

5. Kickboxing-Auto rickshaws that are as jam packed as Trojan horses; with school bound children and slum bound labourers, have riders who specialize in foot signals. They need to be taught to kick a bit higher up so that the left/right signal indication for turns is more prominent.

6. River rafting-To help sail through gutter puddles and flooded areas of over flowing septic tanks and harvested rain water on the roads.

Special long jump and 100 mt.Sprint courses can be developed for pedestrians, who pop out of road dividers.

Also, juggling lessons on how to multitask and handle mobiles, FM channels and children while driving can be held too.

Readers can write in their suggestions, traffic police have assured that ‘prompt action will be taken.’

With present bridgeworks and storm water drainage development going on, the question now is,’ where are the roads?’

Tapi town tattle-Big B in Gandhinagar=Madhushala in Gujarat.

AROUND THE WORLD IN SURTI WAYS................
May,the month of mayhem-travel,exam results and mangoes has finally ended.Surtis who were away for most of it,are back.

Often ,I am told by many a migrant ,now settled in Tapi town ,that although they were not born here,they are now Surti to the core; since I sail in the same boat as them,I nod my head in complete agreement.

Our town has this magical magnetism that draws you towards it. So,when does one actually know that one has turned into a complete Surti?well,here are a few pointers. I am sure all of you out there will have your own experiences to add on-

You know you are Surti ...............

When you are walking the Orchard road in Singapore with its fancy stores and window displays but wishing you were caught in the chaotic crowd at Ghodod road, with friends instead.

when you are in Australia,surrounded by foul mouths but you know more bad words than they do and can make them go red in the face once you start off.

When you are trudging the cobbled paths of Brussels but thinking of how its shaded pavements are not as cool as our by lanes, lined with Mughal,Hindu,Persian and Dutch architecture.

When you are listening to the gush of the Niagara falls but pining to hear the rain patter off the asbestos on old city rooftops in Gopipura.

When you are tucking in fish and chips while watching the change of guard at Buckingham but hoping you can have bhajiyas at Dumas soon,as you peep through the creepers at the hidden palace of the Nawab of Sachin.

When you are the Louvre watching the art over the ages as the guide describes it and you wonder what fabulous potential the rangoli gals of Maniyara sheri have.

When you are cruising the magnificent Nile yet wondering if the Tapi is going to be as dry as you last saw it or in the danger of overflowing again this monsoon.

When you are appreciating pearls in HongKong but are in doubt as they closely seem to resemble the ones you saw at Choksi bazaar.

When you are watching IPL in South Africa but wondering how your buddies in Textile market will be betting over it.

When you are being served hash browns and Pecan pie in Texas but pining for khaman locho and gharis instead.

When the Chinese are showing you some exotic silk and you smile to yourself thinking how easily Pandesara will make it' the next big thing.'

When Amsterdam is in full bloom with its tulips and you yearn for the fragrance of country roses grown in Sachin.

When Antwerp has a grand display of royal crowns under high security and you smirk how casually our diamond traders and angadias handle precious stones.

When you are looking at the finest modern architecture in Dubai but wonder what the real estate rates at Piplod and Silent zone have gone up to.

Bottom line is,it does not matter whether you are in Syria or Scotland,Mexico or Malaysia,truth is,Surtipanu never leaves you.

Everybody has some place they call home,for Tapi towners,it will always be Surat.
Tapi town tattle-Other than ciggy packets ,what else should be printed with 'scorpian 'signs? Surti chimneys!

SOS= SPIRIT OF SURAT...................
We live in these times, where ‘fear factor’ is not just a daring reality show with Akshay kumar and 13 beauties but also a way of life for us. These days, humans protect places of worship to God. After innocent Ahmedabadis bore the brunt of some of the worst terror attacks the country has ever experienced, it seems Surat was supposed to be next in line when the faceless cowards planned city,city,bang!bang! Or was it? As speculation along with innumerable rumours surround us it seems as though nothing can shock us Surtis anymore. It is not as if we treat death or issues related to it as frivolous, but fact remains that our aam janta is handling this matter quiet casually.
Surat’s favourite new reality show on t.v. is the live coverage of the discovery and defusing of non functioning live bombs. Found around prime crowded areas, within Tapi town. In these days of high alert, it seems the Surtis have proved to be more alert than the governing bodies. Almost all the explosive material has been discovered by Surtis .As if that was not enough; a couple of Surtis calmly carried these bombs and left them in the middle of the road or near a police station for further investigation! Thank God for small mercies, the bombs turned out to be ‘sursuriyas’ [kaput crackers].
The bomb defusing ceremony seems to have turned into a circus of sorts. Once the lime green packet is found [all so far in same colour], 25 and counting, the press reaches there and hoards of people gather around taking personal videos on their mobiles. Then, after the Surtis discuss how the bomb was discovered; the Surti bomb squad-our brave gang of 4 arrives on the scene. Do note that at present we have just one protective bodysuit between these brave men. So, one of them wears the gear but not the helmet [too heavy and claustrophobic] whilst the others assist in plain clothes and bare hands.
The bombs are then picked up, dissected and defused. All this is witnessed by hundreds of people from close distance as they cheer and capture the moment in their mobiles. The bomb squad is made to pose for pictures, holding the dissected paraphernalia. What is it that makes this team so brave? How on earth do they show the courage to defuse live bombs so casually? Are they not worried because these bombs are low impact ones? Also, most Surtis are treating the matter as an entertainment event. One does hope that in the coming days, some adventurous youngster does not try to ape this act! The public probably think this is a piece of cake to handle. Let’s not forget that the bomb in adajan garden that blew up on 25th of May this year might have been a trial run.
On the business front, Surtis who earn from Rs. 50 to the ones that earn RS.50, 000 daily are complaining that business has seen bad days and will further suffer if they stay indoors, so in spite fear in their hearts; they are trying to resume a normal worklife, even if it is for a limited time period. As far as their personal lives are concerned, some are thinking of taking a holiday and yet others are finding means to entertain themselves indoors with card parties, watching movies in their home theatres or organising parties at private farms. The Surat standard time for socialising now begins at 8p.m instead of 10 p.m.

The lesson that Surtis have learnt in the past five days are-
1. Everybody now knows who the mayor is and what he looks like.
2. The administration is, as clueless as we are.
3. Cautious Surtis are the sole reason that our city has been safe so far.
4. The new colour for danger is lime green not red.
5.’There is no need to fear’, our C.M.has bravely stated this advice .
SOS-The signal used as a sign for save our souls in times for distress, stands for ‘sursuriyas of surat’ it also stands for ‘Spirit of Surat’ and that dearies is what keeps us ticking.

THE COLOUR OF MONEY IS BLACK AND WHITE, HONEY!
Last year, a guest from Mumbai, was shocked out of his bank balance! Here’s why-- He purchased a television for his parents from a prominent electronic store in Surat and the shop keeper said,’ Sorry sir, we do not have a credit card machine!’ ‘What kind of money do you people carry around here?’ he asked me amazed because the said television model was for an amount that ran in five high figures.’ The black kind’, I answered jokingly, but turns out that it’s true! Solid Surtis are always Liquid cash rich-here is why-
Surat-The land of the Lalas, always has been associated with Diamonds, Textiles, Property and Trade. Money talks here and how!’Maal=Golmaal’ everything is available here if you can afford the tag, School admissions and top official ranks, licence for thrills and forbidden lands. Anything illegal is no problem, being rich here is your claim to fame and buying out the opposition is the name of the game. The Surti Lala racks his brains around the clock, to make sure his path is clear of any legal blocks.

‘Laundry Service’ in Laladom would actually mean conversion of black money to white.
‘Solid hai toh Liquid hai! --Whether it’s Gold, foreign currency, property, stocks and shares, world wide travel stamps on the passports, or a fleet of fancy cars, you name it and Surtis have it. Most Surtis do not need to swipe their credit cards for any of the above because they have enough cash that is unaccounted for, which can get them whatever they wish for. Hence, nothing is out of reach for the deep pocketed Surti.

‘Cash hai toh ash hai!’ ’-- Surtis have innovative ways of using their extra bucks; here is how their money works….
While most other cities around us would kick up a storm against inflation, corruption, violation of consumer rights, we almost take pride in practicing the same. Impossible school norms, flexible traffic rules, erratic working schedules are followed routinely. Pollution of water, air, land, every and any kind is legal here if you have the money to buy it. The other Indians from Punjab, Rajasthan, Bengal and Madhya Pradesh have migrated here to make that quick buck and so when in Surat, they too do as the Surtis do.

‘Moolah Mantra’--It does not matter if your money is black or white, in Surat it is your ticket to the quickest route on the top rung of the social ladder. Money may not buy you culture or style, but here it surely gets you a million smiles.Surat is often accused for not having any infrastructure for education, culture or medicine. The simple reason for that is that ‘Mara Whalah Surti Lalas’ think that they can always buy the same when needed. So though our growth as a progressive town shows wonders, are basic infrastructure remains a big blunder.

‘Ay, Kya Bolta Tu?’--The next time you happen to hear a conversation in Surat that involves the words’kala key dhola?’I.e.black or white? It might not be a T.V or hair or clothes that are being discussed; chances are that it’s the colour of money, honey.

Anyways, to get back where we started from, keeping up with good marketing strategy, in true Surti style, the above mentioned store ran an advertisement a week later and it proclaimed just one line-------------------’we accept all credit cards.’