TRAFFIC SAFETY WEAK …ERR WEEK.
Tapi town was all geared up last week. Colourful events were organized, to make its denizens more aware on the serious issue of traffic rules.

The SMC ground besides Chowpatty garden, where Surtis normally enjoy their chatpata street food fare, was chosen as the flag off point.

The band played a solemn tune after which a pledge was taken by the brigade, to make sure that Surtis would be shown safety measures regarding local road travel.

At the crossroads that lead to the circuit house, a sweet voice sang out from a very bad quality speaker, attached to a pole outside the police booth.

Supposedly rendering an awareness song, this was probably penned by a wannabe police poet. It was sharp enough to bring normal traffic to a screeching halt.

The mascots for the event were a bunch of ugly, duplicated zoo zoos.

They looked scary, yet confused (in accordance to the theme, I was told).

Talented children were provided walls of medical and educational institutions to depict their ideas on the subject of road safety.

I hear the event was a huge success; huge amount of fines were collected to prove the same.

Unfortunately, unlike other towns, we Surtis face very different traffic problems. We require special training to combat the same and here are a few suggestions for the next traffic safety week-

The Logo-Karo ya maro.

The Mascot-An athletic looking Surti, in fancy sports gear.

The training programme-

1. Dirt bike racing-For skilled maneuvering over dug up roads that have long lost their cemented cover and provide uphill and downhill terrain within the town.

2. Golfing- The idea here is to have an eye for the potholes and avoid them instead, lest you want a ‘one in the hole ‘for your car tyre. (Promiscuous Surtis sit down and behave yourselves! This has nothing to do with your hero-Tiger)

3. Hundred meter hurdles-Our diversion signs have been so placed on the roads that it requires special skill to avoid them on one side and some jagged edge or vehicle on the other. Vehicles will need to hop, skip and jump for the same.

4. Fencing-As self defense against the cutting edge of our lord of the strings kite runners; pedestrians and bikers will need to master the art of special sword fencing .Thus, cut out chances of a slit hit.

5. Kickboxing-Auto rickshaws that are as jam packed as Trojan horses; with school bound children and slum bound labourers, have riders who specialize in foot signals. They need to be taught to kick a bit higher up so that the left/right signal indication for turns is more prominent.

6. River rafting-To help sail through gutter puddles and flooded areas of over flowing septic tanks and harvested rain water on the roads.

Special long jump and 100 mt.Sprint courses can be developed for pedestrians, who pop out of road dividers.

Also, juggling lessons on how to multitask and handle mobiles, FM channels and children while driving can be held too.

Readers can write in their suggestions, traffic police have assured that ‘prompt action will be taken.’

With present bridgeworks and storm water drainage development going on, the question now is,’ where are the roads?’

Tapi town tattle-Big B in Gandhinagar=Madhushala in Gujarat.

BOOTLEGGING AND BOOKLEGGING..............
Now that Gin, Jinnah and Johnny walker have been banned from striding into Gujarat, the prohibition act will need fresh amendments. It’s not Fanaa....err funny.

If Union minister for micro enterprises in the state-Dinsha Patel is accusing Modi of trying to gain ‘cheap publicity’ by banning book only in Gujarat and that Sardar being a national hero, it should be banned in the entire country, then, isn’t Bapu also the father of the nation? We really need to rethink our booze book prohibition acts.

Jaswantji is now getting back by singing Faiz Ahmed Faiz’s,’Mujhse pehli si mohobbat mere mehboob na maang, maine samjha tha ke tu hai toh darakshaan hai hayat, tera gham hai toh gham-e- dahr ka jhagda kyaa hai..... to Advaniji, looks like the lotus is in for a mucky mudslinging session ahead.

Meanwhile, Surtis are excited by this new prohibition. Shady stories are doing the rounds as to how book legging will be the next big business in Gujarat. With the Mallya impressed desi king of gud times, Dagri now absconding, a new breed of entrpeuners may arise.

Saturday evening, I got a hush hush sms from a very rich and very spoilt friend of mine. It read’U R invited to a Surti smuggling- Pirates of the Arabian party, B there or B square!’Luckily, it had no eye patch dress code mentioned and so I decided to give it a shot.

The previous ‘pirates of the Arabian’ that Surat has ever experienced was in the 17th century, when Captain Thomas Best defeated the Portuguese at the battle of Swally [now Suvali] and thus was born the Indian navy, formerly known as The Honourable East India Company’s Marine.

Our government still follows a futile custom of keeping the excise and customs officers on a special night duty to watch out for smugglers who might enter through the silted Tapi river, whats more, it even pays the officers involved overtime.So,I was wondering what the theme in question was about...
Upon reaching the party, I was pleasantly surprised by the invitees. Instead of the usual snooty socialites, were serious looking gentlemen sitting in a semi circle, involved in deep conversation.
Harish Upadhiwala, the well known lawyer [now on strike] stated, ‘This is a very serious matter, you may read it online, get it couriered via an N.R.I, get it faxed by a friend from Mumbai ,have it read out by your relative in Delhi, but if you are caught, you will be in jail.

Munnabhai MBBS fumed,’Bapu ne kaha tha ,independant raho,a phir bhi ye Gujaratwalo ko booze aur books dono ke liye dusre sheher pe dependant rehna padta hai! Abhi Sardar Patelji kaun they malum pada.Bole toh picture bananeyka.

Raman Batlo smirked,’ema hun! Chopri ni upar batli, batli ni upar chopri .santadiney lavani.’
Upon which my friend said,’ Forget it guys; I have decided to just call the honourable C.M., to lend me his copy, which he read and decided to ban the book.

Tapi town tattle-Pokhran -2 =sursuriyu?

SURAT NU GRAHAN KASHI MA PRASANN...............
For the first time in the history of mankind, the eyes of the entire world were set on Surat. Declared as the first place in the Universe that would experience the century’s total solar eclipse, the city was all set to shine when the Sun would hide.
The respected chief minister was calling out from hoardings around town; beckoning one and all to celebrate the celestial sighting. Dressed in the colour theme of the Sun and Moon [maybe he was hopeful of a Junagadh victory that would have called for a double celebration.]
Following instructions the SMC conjured up a magical, musical evening on the eve of the event at the indoor stadium which was open to all who cared to come visit, the Chamber of commerce networked to spread the good word and school children and teachers were informed to take time out from their tiresome schedule and report attendance at the airport instead.
The honourable CM, who hoped to be the star of the show, was to drop in for an hour at the newly equipped airport that now boasts of ILS-Instrumentation landing system. An LCD, airshow, flower shower, live commentary from scientists, you name it, the state had arranged for it all. Precious Solar viewer goggles that all Surtis seemed to seek in the past few days had been arranged as party favours for all guests.
But unfortunately, what was to be a hot and happening party, turned out to be a damp squib instead. The clouds played party poopers and it was a dark dawn with a no show. The disheartened CM decided at 5 a.m, that since the Sun was not willing to turn up, nor would he. Surtis were left in the lurch.
All the hustle bustle in town along with the chirping of the birds went into an eerie silence as dawn turned to twilight zone. Even as the world observed Surat plunge into darkness on international television, Surtis had no vision to boast about.
Although NASA had forewarned against the same and declared Teragana as the perfect place for eclipse sighting, it seemed that the ‘made in China’ pictures would, as usual outsell the Indian ones.
But voila! That was not to be and Surat’s mythical partner in piety-‘Surat nu jaman aney Kashi nu maran ‘, Varanasi, came to the rescue. Well, the rest is history, what more can be said other than, ’Surat nu grahan, Kashi ma prasann.’