Friday, January 28, 2011

ode to undhiyu

http://www.timescrest.com/life/gujarats-winter-food-4676

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

http://www.timescrest.com/life/twelve-months-of-divas-and-dates-4453
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Monday, January 3, 2011

ONE FOR THE ROAD

The Surat police came under some unfair criticism last week over the written warnings of ‘dos and don’ts’ that they distributed to private farm owners, regarding hosting a New Year’s Eve party which might turn out to be an ‘out in the open affair’ in Tipsy town.

Surat officially has the highest amount of permit holders as well as largest groups of Alcoholic anonymous members in dry state Gujarat and there are no prizes for guessing whether it tops the list of tipple towns that turns bootleggers into billionaires.

The caution practiced did not go down well with the ‘khai piney jalsa ‘loving Lalas. In fact, post the New Year’s revelry itself, a committee of concerned ‘Pi loon’ party members was set up as mission Tequila Sunrise, at 8 in the morning near the Chamunda chai kiosk, station branch ,by Mr.Magan Batla and Aunty Batli- also known as the messiahs of Madeira.

‘This is extremely unfair”, said Mr.Batla,”after completely ignoring us last year and concentrating on just one particular farm, the law keepers in Lalaland banned us from all farm parties this year. Look at the newpapers, it’s the first of January and we have absolutely no coverage. This is preposterous, I say! “

“Actually they were just doing their job,”pointed out aunty Batli, in an effort to calm down her anger fermented spouse.” It’s not personal; they were just following instructions from the top.”

“I wonder who heads these kind of operations”, Ms.Notorius Narangi, a new member pondered aloud,” I mean, what exactly do they ask the policemen to do, to keep us away.”

“It’s kind of complicated,” said Mr.Pehli Dharno, a senior member of the BB committee (bevdi batli, not Blackberry, silly!)” there is no fixed pattern or timing. It is similar to an income tax raid. One can be raided convicted at any time, day or night completely unawares and be tongue tied while the operations are on.”

“This time it was very derogatory,” pointed out Ms. Mehka Mahua, the sensitive soul,” Besides the official warning about us not to be seen around farms, private plots and terraces etc, the apartment where I reside was visited and a bunch of kids were asked to tone down the party volume lest the dance party sounded like a ‘bob’- bring you own booze affair.

“Should we conduct a march in protest?” questioned the dignified Malts, NRBs (non resident batlis) who were visiting town, incognito for the occasion,” we feel so helpless and hurt.”

“Oh! Look at you all, sounding so much like fizzled blasts from the past,”inturrepted Puavo Pappu, the new kid on the block,” I say this year’s New Year Eve has been one of the best ever. Not only have we managed positive page 3 coverage but also have officially ringed in the New Year with ‘Cheers!’”

And even as all the other club members dropped their jaws in amazement, wondering whether they were zonked or whether Pappu Pauva had turned too potent for his own good, the rebel without a pause proudly explained, “Look at the magnificent photographs that the leading dailies have printed .Almost all of Surat was out on the roads, denizens enthusiastically blasting their music systems; and while they savoured their favourite kebabs, tikkas,eggs,parathas,biryanis and ponk while hosting the biggest Moon burn party right out there on the roadsides, what do you think was helping most of them wash it all down in high spirits?”

Needless to say, the men in khaki were instantly forgiven and Pappu Pauva got a standing ovation, besides being anointed head of public relations for the new ‘Pi Akkad club.’

Tapi town known for its industries and prosperity, has begun the next new decade on a very positive note.I mean ,what better words could flow more mellifluously from the Surti lala’s mouth than happily proclaiming ,”Car-o-bar-achha hai !”.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

RESPECTED VIP, KINDLY RSVP

Dear VIP (very important politician),

Heartiest congratulations mister minister, from all us Surtis of this sparkling diamond city! Your contribution to our town has been quiet unequivocal and praiseworthy, in lieu of which you have been chosen to inaugurate our eighth flyover.

Built at a cost of Rs.59 crore, this 962 meters long piece of architecture is ‘Hors de prix’-priceless, because of the fact that not only did we uproot our signature mini Eiffel tower for it but also that denizens of an age group that ranges from kids upto the ready to kick the bucket kind, residing around it went through several sleepless nights so that it could be constructed in good time.

Many a night, beyond 1 a.m in the mornings, when the noise got unbearable and disturbed ailing elders, board exam students, pregnant mothers to be, newly born infants and us all, most of us dialed 100 to place a complaint at the Umra police station in vain, as we were promptly told to grin and bear the drone till the wee hours of the morning since, “flyover publicna sukh maatey baney chey, jetlu jaldi bani jay, public ne laabh thay.”(The flyover is for the benefit of the public, the earlier it is constructed, the better)

While the citizens of this area have sacrificed their sleep and are waiting to exhale with a sigh of relief to breathe easy, there are other Surtis who have sacrificed sweat,burnt petrol and boiled blood while trying to maneuver their vehicles with extreme difficulty on the rain ravished pot holed single track lanes, desperately awaiting the flyover to take over the problem of saving precious time, if not kilometers by smoothly branching out traffic.

School buses and the bachha brigade that rides on them are looking forward to return home earlier, Ambulances and fire brigade rescuers hope to reach their destinations faster, travelers to and from the airport where the lone flight arrives and departs during busy traffic hours within the town are looking forward to the brisk connectivity, as are railway passengers who will be able to access the station sooner. Surtis, who regularly saunter out on Sundays in search of the Arabian Sea, are looking to fly high over Parle Point’s first and only flyover that exists in this part of the town.

Since Diwali, we await the inaugural of the same and while officials are still non committal about the D date, we are sure you would know better about the reason why the same has been indefinitely delayed and postponed.

We Surtis are known to treat our guests like gods-Atithi Devo Bhav is our motto and out of habit, we shall tend to tempt you with our winter goodies such as Undhiyu, Ponk and Salempak.

Kindly take this request in right earnest and request your office to provide you a date so that you may grace the occasion of the Parle Point flyover’s inauguration with your august presence this December, so that we may all have a happy new year.

Truly, your sincere Surtis.

P.S.-While we make the best hosts, the average Surti does not care who takes the credit of this bone of contention between man and minister, because the priority here is about facility to, for and by the public, which was the original purpose. With our past record of inaugurating the Amroli bridge by ourselves and the present rumor of a Facebook campaign to walk over the flyover, hurry before we banish the barricades!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Awaaz Nichey, This Diwali

A recent study in New York has showed that loud noise features high in the list of ‘Everyday things that can kill you.’

The thumping, pounding, honking, wielding, cutting, jutting, digging, building, filling, constructing along with a zillion other noises that we denizens are unwillingly subjected to as part of an accepted curse of city life is partially responsible for stress, blood pressure, insomnia, hearing disorders and many other health woes that turn us into weaker humans than we are, that too without us as much as realizing the same.

With the near completion of the Parle Point flyover, as we got to print, suburban Surtis are set for peaceful slumber, or so they think. After months of cement ,dust and the most thunderous thumps entering their homes day in and night out, they are in hope of experiencing nights as they once knew them-all peace and quiet. But, are we really in for some silent bliss just yet?

Am afraid, not. Via the recent sale of vehicles worth more than Rs.6 Crores on a single day, supposedly auspicious, Tapi town will be witness to a roaring road wave as 2-3-4 wheelers rage through the already conspicuous lanes within the city. Pot holes be damned, Surtis are now used to spending anything from 20 to 45 extra minutes commuting on roads that could put dirt bike racing to shame. Accompanied by constant blowing of horns and musical tunes that go off when cars reverse, which are way above the recommended decibel level that invade the human ear. For all you know, we might even have special new classes to teach the art of delicate maneuvering the metal catacombs formed on our not so full of mettle roads.

While the honking orchestration continues at crossroads during the day, along with brain numbing mobile ring tones that blare off catching you absolutely unawares, we now have news of some super sales of firecrackers which seem to have broken recent records of recession. Now really, tell me, does this love for ‘fatakdas’ (firecrackers silly, not a slang for good looking males as in ‘fatakdi’ for girls) generate from the fact that they are known as ‘darukhana’, I mean what’s the addiction to the kind of intoxication they are known to generate-flash of light accompanied by deafening sound resulting in toxic smoke and rubbish that’s strewn upon lanes that have seen better days, ages ago.

With innumerable unlicensed kiosks of crackers having sprouted up around Tapi town, God alone knows how much risk we are subjecting our children to while officially allowing them to fire up gimmicks-most of which are prepared by lesser fortunate children. Speaking of whom, isn’t it about time we grew up from the fact that the success of your past and future business year is not all about which lala’s loom crackles the longest (no pun intended).

Just as the speeches by Shiv Sena Supremos were monitored for their decibel capacity by an NGO –Awaaz in Mumbai recently, methinks it’s about time that our ‘Lalaland’ got a dose of the same medicine. Any surveys within Tapi town would be sure to show our eardrums shouting out loud for help.Surtis-never known to be subtle in their style, need to make an effort to value the strength of silence. And a great way to begin would be precisely at this time of the year; by having a fantastic Diwali and a fabulous New Year with double the fun and half the noise. Let’s celebrate with awaaz nichey, what say?

Tapi town tattle- Bus, stop!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

New Answers To Old Questions Anyone?

No sooner has the brightest moonlit night of the year passed; with Surtis gorging out on the Sharad Poonam and Chandipadva night that the agenda for the next set of festivities during the forthcoming fortnight has been set.

Social Surtis who qualify as official tattlers around town are armed with their usual questionnaire to attack the unassuming common man /woman /child. It is not as if these questions have been inspired by the new season of” Kaun Banega Crorepati’, rather it revolves around the theme of ‘Kyaa kareyga crorepati”?

Like, no matter how high up in the social ladder you are, you will be asked,”Diwali ni safaai thay gayee?”(Have you cleaned up for Diwali?) If you are left frazzled wondering what is it about this routine of” cleanliness is next to Godliness ‘during Diwali, well, its just an age old custom practiced by our ancestors to clear away the previous year’s waste, gathered with squirrel like skill. Unused and used goods now rendered useless will be presented with philanthropic pride to staff members who eagerly help out in this tedious routine. Often things like, clothes, utensils, cosmetics, toys etc which have seen better days, come tumbling out of lofts and closets. While some find better use in a lesser home, other unfortunate stuff will be re-bundled and loaded back up there for next year’s spring cleaning season. Once you have managed to answer that your home is already clean and does not need to be de-cluttered, you will be given a dirty look with an unconvincing nod saying ,’amaarey tyaa toh karvij padey .”(We have to do it.)

Up next you will be attacked by, “Diwali maa shu karo cho?” No really, now tell me, ever since lord Rama returned to Ayodhya,Indians have been celebrating it by –lighting lamps,feasting,wearing new clothes and, after the advent of crackers ,bursting the same. The good part about this question is that you need not answer it; the person who has asked it will then immediately let you know about his/her plan on spending the festival. Be ready to be inundated with an endless shopping list which will feature nothing other than the routine, a grand announcement of how much moolah is going to be burnt up in from of ‘aatashbaaji’by children who know no better (men included), how the atrocious present market rates of all precious metals is not going to hinder the lala’s homemaker from burning a hole in his pocket –Dhanteras being the rescue excuse, how the hardworking lala is going to go in for a reincarnation in the wardrobe to replace crisp linen shirts with ,well ,more crisp linen shirts.

Which brings us to the last and the most entertaining question of them all,”Diwali maan kyaa jao cho.” (Where are you off to, this Diwali?) .No matter what destination you say, you will be told ‘oh there! We went there 4-6-9 years ago. You will be then given an in-depth info about your destination with more zest than the travel agent. Even if the location was visited a decade ago, you will be told about what to do and where to eat and what to shop for, as if the world has come to a standstill since then and that city or country has been frozen in time. God forbid if you answer,” we are not traveling this year’, thou shall then have to lend ear to listen to extensive travel plans of the person who questioned you. Including what food they are going to carry along on the journey. Which is not a bad deal; actually, you could trot the globe with a Surti’s sense of imagination.