Road trip to Surat in the 17th century

How Thomas Coryate walked from England to Surat.


The state highway and NH 8 was set ablaze with star power last week. Keeping up with its ‘La Tomatino’ theme, the trendy team of the promising upcoming flick ‘Zindagi Na Mileygi Dobara’ painted Tapi town and other prime cities of Gujarat red. The superstars of present times made the journey short and sweet as they zoomed in and out on their fancy four wheel drives. Needless to say, by setting an example for freedom and adventure which is the theme of the movie, this innovative cinema promotion style will surely spur Surtis into taking road trips on paths less traveled.

While many travelers have sailed into Surat as well as driven in as a first, one of the most interesting characters to have come in stayed here for good, which is because he unfortunately died on Surat’s shore. He holds his place in history because of the fact that he began his journey from England to India entirely on foot. Till this date, a stone tablet etched with his shoes is displayed on the walls of the Somerset town that he hailed from.

Thomas Coryate was born in Odecombe, England. The Englishmen remember him as the court jester employed by Prince Henry, son of James I , he also holds the honour of introducing the table fork to England .Amongst many other nicknames that he acquired ,’Furcifer’ fork bearer rascal is one amongst the most popular.

Coryate studied at the Winchester College and later at Gloucester, Oxford. His passion for travel which he best preferred on foot began by a tour of Europe during which he penned “Coryate’s crudities’ an Odecombian buffet of witty verse from all around the continent. He was popular and well known through Europe for his adventures and book alike, although scholars often took jibes at his works and character. John Taylor described him as:

’ His head was a large pounding tub of phrases, whence men would pick delights as boys pick diseases, admired learning took his heads possession and turned his wit a wandering in progression’

With his head that has been described to look like an inverted sugar loaf, this learned man who could speak at least 8 different languages including Latin, Greek, Persian, Hindustani amongst others was known as ‘The eccentric fakir’ in India because he was known to climb up minarets of mosques and shout back at priests who called out the azaan .Coryate with his single soul, soles and shirt walked all the way from England to Greece to the Mediterranean to Persia and finally to India ,out of curiosity and to present himself before the great Mughal Emporer – Jehangir.

In Multan, Lahore, he upset many religious believers when he threw a ruckus outside the prime mosque of worship .Later, this leg stretcher visited Ajmer, Pushkar, Agra, and Haridwar and also presented his thoughts before Jehangir in Persian and English. He sent back images of himself riding an elephant in India of which historians have commented upon,’ His wit is so huge nought but an elephant could carry him’

This contemporary nomad unfortunately took ill and as he sought passage to return home, the end of his versatile and weary journey brought him to Surat. It was here that he hoped to sail home via a ship from Suvali.

But alas! That was not to be.

This long strider arrived in Surat on the 13th of November in 1617 and died of dysentery in December that year on the shores of Tapi. Literates believe that the flux of his poor health was further deteriorated by the consumption of ‘sack’ or Elizabethan alcohol which he took a shot at from a ship that had sailed in from England. Amongst his last known words were,’ Sack, sack, is there any such thing as sack? I pray give me some’

Coryate’s grave is believed to have been silted with the Suvali shore .A field of bones that lie in a graveyard long lost beneath its sands. Till date, though, this ‘fool of quality’ is remembered by many an English scholar , described as:

‘He was the imp, whilst he on earth survived, from whom this West world’s pastimes were derived; He was in city, country, field and court. The well of dry trimmed jests, the pump of sport.’

The problem with D K Bose

WHAT SURTIS SWEAR BY

I don’t know about you but I certainly do not happen to find any fun in the pun within the crude Hindi slang used for female genitalia, which forms the lyrics of a present popular song. It makes me cringe and reach out for a pair of noise canceling ear muffs - Quiet Comfort by Bose.

While Dada Kondke had named his movie after a similar pun in the 1900’s, it was considered C grade cinema, one meant for an audience of the same category. It certainly wasn’t in a catchy song form that would be played day in and night out on the radio or in movie trailers which would be run during intervals in theatres through the country,or conveniently slotted between prime time programmes on national television and replayed in between news streams.The 'A' certificate for the cinema means nothing when you are already bantering around whats banned for younger ears .

‘What’s new?’ you may question, ’aren’t we Surtis surrounded by profanity? ‘Yes, but till this date we did not have backpack toting toddlers singing it out loud, did we?

Author John Mc Whorter who penned ‘The Power of Babel’ once pointed out that,’Young children will memorize the illicit inventory long before they can grasp its sense.’ The scurrilous jest in Delhi Belly literally justifies the existence of potty mouths.

An entertainment licensee cannot justify the exploitation of profanity amongst the youth to set cash counters jingling. An ‘A’ certificate will not stop children from smaller towns like Surat casually sauntering in to catch the film at the nearest theatre screening the same.That exactly,Ms Kiran Rao ,is what's wrong with D K Bose and such other theories. Even as an audience cheers out loud and claps to the usage of brazenly vulgar words, young minds are easily influenced in repeating what they think is a ‘kewl conversation.’ Remember, Kareena Kapoor in so called family entertainers like ‘Jab We Met’ and ‘Golmaal’ got max audience appreciation for scenes in which she let her mouth loose with incomplete expletives.

Subjected to foul language that is not alien to them in day to day life, teenagers have interpreted slang to suit their expressions. A normal text SMS amongst teens these days will have words like ‘meri maar di’, ’fatt gayee’,’thok diya’, ‘uski bajaa di’,’vaat laga di” along with much abused four letter English words, very casually compiled within sentences .Where has this cult come from ? Is it just the movies?

Surtis swear by profanity and it is an integral part of their trading language. Migrants are often aghast at how smoothly a sentence flows from the mouths of Surti lalas, laced along with unmentionable body parts. Both happiness and anger alike are expressed with incestuous remarks with strong hints of Freud’s theory of an Oedipus complex.

While Surat’s Ghachis, Golas, Khatris, Kolis, Parsis are known for the sharp tongued sputter of their gutter tongue, the origin of these words are not essentially Gujarati. Upon carefully noticing the word formation of regularly used cuss words which are coarsely audacious, you will discover that their origin is from various languages like Arabic, Persian, and Hindustani, presumably brought into the ancient port town by the traders who sailed in. Speaking of whom, did the Brits bring in along with colonial rule, gross language too?

Queen Elizabeth I was speculated to be a robust swearer. The evolution of profanity in the English language is cited by scholars as somewhere around the 16th century. The word Profane has Latin roots and it means ‘outside of the church’, hence blasphemous. In fact well known authors like Geoffrey Chaucer in Canterbury Tales and world’s most popular playwright William Shakespeare are known to have widely used religious and moral curses within their texts (which were often censored). They were words like ‘God’s blessing on your beard’ from Love’s labour lost, or ‘By God’s (blest) mother’ from Henry.

The word ‘ass’ was first published as a swear word in the Oxford English Dictionary way back in 1955 and since then, vituperative words seem to have had no looking back, so to say.

What’s sad to hear is one of the most offensive cuss words around the world being touted as a youth anthem in our nation, in the name of being a trendy laugh! Now ,that certainly is not funny.

Tendulcar-Ferrari Ki Sawaari in Surat

TENDULCAR-Ferrari Ki Sawaari-Wankhede to Varachha

Last night this columnist dreamt of penning a book- Tendulcar in Tapi Town.
Since the said journal would need first hand information, a meeting with Surat’s new star was mandatory. Here are some excerpts of a tete-a tete with India’s now most famous four wheeler.

Q. How does it feel to be a super car?

T. “Oh! I am exhilarated! I am on top of the world! First my owner was the star, now, I am it. I hope to run for as many kilometers and more, than the legend scored.

Q. You have had a long and famous journey

T “Yes, Italy to India has been a long run. Having been to the Fiat- Ferrari firm born, I was bound to be in news, but amongst my entire sibling fraternity I managed to steal the show. I mean, I was gifted ,presented by the best racer in the world -Schumacher to the best batsman in the universe- Sachin, when he equaled Sir Don Bradman’s record.

Q. There have been many controversies, regarding import duty, transit, rumours of having been stolen on April Fool’s day 2010, once a gift, now a deal …….

T .Ah! Yes, but then, what good is it to be young and famous and not have tongues wag? Its part of the popularity perks and jerks. Anyway’s its all in the past now. Bene grazie!

Q. You need special service and even special fuel to run.

T. Yes, I had my signature special fuel, custom made especially for the master blaster, by Bharat Petroleum .The No.97 high Octane petrol was produced at the company’s Mumbai refinery. It costs 50 % higher than normal petrol .I don’t think it will be locally available here, so I am not too sure how I will manage in future, maybe they will bring it in or I will visit Mumbai for refills.

Q.How do you like your new home?

T. Oh! I am made to feel like a goddess. The garage was redecorated especially for me, people in town seem to worship the roads I vroom on and my owner is a soft gentle soul. I thought my boss’s name was Jayesh Desai, but upon reaching here I realized it’s actually Jayessbhai-everyone here calls him that.

Q.What do you miss about your old home?

T.A whole load of things, of course. I mean it’s a different ball game to be parked at La Mer.Apart from Signor Sachin’s family and Kambli sir who loved me; I miss my friends the most. I sometimes had A .Bacchan’s Bentley for company and visiting Antilia to gossip with M .Ambani’s Maybach and other fleet was too much fun. We had this high profile gang of first hand, original cars, unlike the down market stolen goods that go around these days.

Q.How do you find Surat?

T. Bellissima ! Mamma Mia! Che belle ragazze! Che rumore!Magari ! But, If only I also understood what they speak……. Che macello! They whistle and hoot, record me on mms, they call out ‘Watt a booty!’,’ Aaila! Sachin ni gaari lai aavyo bhaila! “ooooh posu bhagat !”, I mean c’mon Suvvia!Vedi ni non dire sciocchezze!

Q.I meant the roads.

T.Oh! The roads here are wider with less bumper to bumper traffic than Mumbai.But the bumps are too high for my bottom and I need to be carefully maneuvered. I love the flyovers and am really looking forward to zooming on the Vadodra and Ahmedabad Expressway to tap my potential, prove my road worthiness.

Q.So, no hard feelings?

T. None whatsoever! I mean in an age when most second hand cars are sold for less than half their price, I was paid for twice my original amount, inspite of being FOC! My new owner and Tapi town made National news and front page material. Amitabh Bachhan sold one of his BMW’s last year but like all other celebrity sales, it was a silent one.Besides,I hear my paint and connecting engine blocks for fuel supply are manufactured in Gujarat,so in a way, this is homecoming. After years, am getting the publicity of my heydays.

Q. Will you miss the Tendulkars?

T. Always. I was their dream car, now they have someone new. But we Italians believe that true love is rare and true friendship even rarer. Since I was traded for friendship, all is fair.

Weekday options for Sunday Papas

For all busy dads ,around the world

With the nostalgia of one more Father’s Day now behind us, Surti Lalas, whose business schedules have converted them into Sunday papas have reached to a tear jerking conclusion, resonating with the adage that they inherited from their fathers-
’ God gave us money but not time.’

Present circumstance and stress of an overworked and underpaid life make sure that children see their dads only on Sundays, when those precious few hours are mostly spent in dining out with friends or catching up on the latest flick.

Conversation is the key word while raising a child. We live in an age where the generation gap has been bridged, but communication gap within families has widened more than ever before.
In their book ‘Adolescence: The Survival Guide for Parents and Teenagers’, authors Elizabeth Fenwick and Dr.Tony Smith have pointed out that, "Although young children usually exchange thoughts and feelings quite easily, adolescents are not often so communicative. It takes a real effort to keep the channels of communication open with someone who is apparently determined to shut you out and to be as monosyllabic as possible. But it's essential to keep talking-and keep listening-if you are to survive your children's adolescence intact. If you can manage it, and are still on speaking terms with your adolescents by the time they reach their late teens, you'll find they may actually want to talk to you, and it's once again rewarding to have conversations with them."
Here are some fun ways to let conversation sneak in between your child and you, while you spend an hour extra with them, within your busy schedule.
Drive your child to school occasionally, make the effort to wake up early, share breakfast, drop your child to school .Chat up about friends, teachers and subjects, discuss fun incidents from your school days. Try and attend the parent teacher meeting whenever you are in town, learn first hand about your kid’s advantages and shortcomings to help understand her/him better.

Catch up over a surprise lunch or dessert .Play scrabble or chess at coffee shops .Plan a picnic .Discuss food preference with them. Explain cuisines or learn what they know about it, with interest. Your child probably knows the best thin crust pizza combo in town and can spell more pasta names than you. Pay full attention when your child speaks; stop doing everything else at that moment.

Visit your child’s extra curricular activity class. Whether its sports, music, art or dance, take interest, appreciate, if possible participate or have your kids teach you the technique they are skilled in. Children are friends with people who perform their favourite activities with them. . Learn to play ‘Super Mario’/ ‘Angry Birds’, on their gadget. Compete in healthy fashion.

Let your children visit your workplace for an hour or two. Treat them as adults as they watch how you spend your day at work. Ask for suggestions to know their point of view. Make them feel important. Show respect through both your language and demeanor. Don’t start giving advice when your child is asking you to listen. Don’t talk or do other things. Listen. End the conversation when your child is ready to do so, not when you are.

Children often send out the same message in different ways, when they are not understood.’ Remember that 70 to 80 percent of all communication is nonverbal. If you truly have an empathetic heart, you will always be reading the nonverbal cues.’ says Stephen R. Covey in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. Read your child’s facial expressions, body language and non verbal clues. Understand that your child will not agree with everything you say.Respond, don’t react.

Time is your most precious possession and it’s all that your child needs.

Dear dad,on Father's Day

Dearest papa,

I know this letter comes as a surprise to you, it’s my first. It would be the easiest thing for me to come meet you or speak on the phone. But, I know I will choke on words that will get in the way.

We have never really had dad-kid talks, you and I, we always communicated via mom.

Today, as my toddler and teen sit down scribbling a Father’s day card for theirs, I realize I never ever made the effort to tell you anything. We seemed to always say it best by saying nothing at all to each other.

While mom was omnipresent through the growing years, you were a Sunday papa.

You never attended any sports day or annual function or elocution contests which we participated in, you were busy, slogging to make sure that we went to the best school, read the best books meant for our age, swam in the best pool in town and received the best coaching when it came to dance and sports.

You don’t feature in any of our birthday pics, even the ones that have distant relatives; it’s only now that I realize you were the one clicking them.

I know for a fact that grand dad and you looked in opposite directions, you never had a chance to live your childhood, but you ensured we had ours. I find it easy to choose the right reads and toys for my children because, irrelevant to the monthly budget, as soon as Scrabble, Monopoly, Rubik’s cube or the latest editions of Amar Chitra Katha, Enid Blyton and Asterix hit the market stands, you made certain they found place in our home.

Although you spent years eating at canteens, we relished fine dining and developed taste buds to appreciate cuisine from around the world. From five star restaurants to hole in the wall joints that Busy bee later recommended too, you always knew the hotspots of food around town. I remember how you hired one of the then best chef’s in town for a day for our introduction to authentic Chinese cuisine; from entrée to dessert. I remember turning my nose up at it then and how much I savour it now. Way back in the 70’s Tabasco’s zing, Choux pastry and Wasabi were not alien words for us.

I teach my toddler phonics, alphabets and his first words from ‘My First Golden Dictionary’ which you bought when I was 4, it is still the best available even now, when I am 40.As I protectively commute with my teenager everywhere, I remember how you taught us to travel independently via air or railways, in a safer world .

In spite of being extremely possessive about your cars, you generously let your vintage Austin be converted into our school taxi, so that we could commute safely and in style. We always strutted in trendy stuff from head to toe even though kid’s fashion wasn’t a term used in India.

I remember you returning from business tours around the world, carrying cultural curios so that we could learn a little more about the countries .I remember you gently but firmly coaxing us to lend a ear to classical music along side renditions of Khusrau and Boney M so that we refined our taste in fine tuning. I remember watching The Sound of Music when it was not locally available. How you made it mandatory that we met Mumbai’s finest theatre artists and painters par excellence and watched them in action.

As I stress over the future of my kids, worrying about their education, friends, gizmos, habits, I realize how easily ma and you handled the three of us, never once letting us feel the worldly pressures you must have had. My own impatience makes me now rationalize your occasional angry outbursts.

With all our individual success in a life that you allowed us to choose for ourselves, we might not have been the best kids, but, just by being yourself, you are the greatest dad in the world.

When I see you clown around with your grand children today, I see, given a chance, what great buddies we could have been. I love you dad, I always did.

A huge hug,
Your rebel without a cause.

Which college ? What course?

Dear prospective undergrads,
Ssup duddettes and dudes? Now that da celebrations of ur kewl results r over, its tym 4 u to pull up ur socks nd take da next step fwd.

You are done with the 3 R’s-reading, writing and arithmetic at school and now its time for the 3 C’s-vis a vis-college, course, career (not chicklits, cars and clothes, stupid!)

I know and I know that you know, that scoring a distinction does not guarantee desired results in your preferred college. It may have got you goodies from your mama in Mumbai and blessings from masi in Manhattan; even a set of swanky wheels as promised by papa, while mom ensured that all the staff had stuffed their ‘muh meetha’ with malai pedas; but, making it to the merit list of your next alma mater is a different ball game of sorts.

It is also not as easy a task as the one you faced getting through in the best kindergarten, all you had to do then was gurgle and drool while parents took care of the rest of the stuff. Now, you are on your own, cut offs for the country’s top colleges exist and end between 97 % to 95%! No matter whom your big daddy knows, how well, will be good enough to get you through that!

So, there will be a whole load of things you will need to consider. Awright! V need to stroll down memory lane here 4 a moment, when your Pa and Ma were growing up (or so they thought). There was just one decision to make- Science/Commerce/Arts, that done, the path further was paved for them to follow.You, darlings, have the new mantra of gen nexters-‘Options’-career counseling, aptitude tests ,interviews, choices, unending ones at that, to consider and concentrate on, then choose. Confused? Don’t worry, s**t happens!

Without draining your brain, here is ‘Admissions made easy’ in lingo that u dig:

A/S/L-The age of the institution/ strength of its students, co-ed or otherwise and where it is located, matters.

Status-This will have to include, how prestigious the college is and whether it is government recognized or not. (If you have a really rich dad, UGC won’t matter, you could fly to foreign shores for post grad)

FB-Faculty and board members are a very important aspect of ur future mould, be aware of what u expect and should accept.

FYI-If the college notice board provides little or no information, seek the administrative officer’s advise, she /he is meant to be there for you.

CERTI- Be certain to photocopy and attest all your certificates, recommendation letters, exam results, birth certificate. Make separate sets of the same as per applications.

PICS- Photographs on college forms are neither meant to be dowdy zones nor glamour pads, stick to looking smart and sober.

KIT-Keep in touch online with institutions u plan to apply for cut offs, updates, merits.

IDK-Don’t be shy to say ‘I don’t know’, ask 4 all info about the course u wish to pursue.

BOB-Visit the college library and info resources, make sure they don’t believe in buy your own books scenario. Look for a strong and stable think tank back up.

ECA-The quota for extracurricular activity does not include bathroom singers or booty shakers, make sure you are competent enough to represent your college.

WTF-What the food situation in the college canteen is, will matter a lot if you plan to be its resident Taste it, lest it makes you go ‘what the eff ’ ,later.

GF/BF-The network of friends you make now will remain life long, check out college crowd carefully.

LOL-Remember important messages from movies like 3 Idiots, Dil, dosti etc and F.A.L.T.U. Enjoy the best years of your life and all will be well. Just Chillax.

Loadsa luv n luck,
Been der, dn dat.

Alvida McBull Fida

Why M F Husain will live forever

‘Chund tasveerey butaan chund haseenoki khatut, baad marne ke mere gharse yeh samaan nikla’
(A few photographs and some love letters from my sweethearts is all that was found from my home after I died.)

Ghalib’s above mentioned couplet was among M F Husian’s favourites and now reads relevant, in his death. While life ended for him in exile, the painter who was perceived as India’s Picasso and awarded with highest honours like the Padmashree, Padma Bhushan and Padma Vibhushan, has left behind a vacuum in the art world that will never be reclaimed.

“He was a wonderful human being and I have yet to meet another of his caliber in my life. We had a long association. In 1999, during the production of Gajagamini, he was short of finances and I volunteered to work out the matter for him, he in turn, gave me some of the finest pieces of work. He loved sipping chai over which we shared fond memories. I was waiting for him to return to Dubai, was meaning to meet him soon, but alas!” reminisces Praful Shah, a connoisseur of Husain’s art and MD of Garden Silk Mills. The Garden Art Gallery in Surat was graded as one of the country’s finest by the artist when he had come to inaugurate it.Husain painted a scene from his childhood on a black canvas, holding the audience enthralled.

“Husain saab was a great philosopher, when he met my father and me, it was an absolutely unbelievable experience for us. My father expressed this thought aloud to which Husain saab replied, ’All of us build our individual karma, what goes around comes around .Our Karma pinds were destined to meet and hence, have we.” says VNSGU Professor of Art, Rajarshi Smart.

Surat’s renowned artist, late Jagdeep Smart, translated M F Husain’s biography in Gujarati – ‘Dadano Dangoro Lidho, Tene Toh Mein Ghodo Kidho’, named after a popular Gujarati limerick, it was co published in 2004 by Archer, Ahmedabad.

Written in Gujarati text to bring out nuances of, ‘Husain –Shailee’, Maqbool’s childhood, Husain’s artistry, Mc’s jovialness, Bull’s hidden grief and aggression (Husain often signed works as Mc Bull), M .F. Husain’s popularity and Fida’s volcanic love rush, translator Smart points out to the reader that he left intact Husain’s sentence formation, wordplay, Urdu verse so that the essence of the artist could flow to the readers.

Husain’s address to his own childhood reads: ‘O mara dost, mara balpun, taney aapna dadana ordani ae baari yaad chey ? Jemathi hu baharni duniyani nani nani vaarta o joya karta hata.Aapney joyu ghanu,janyu ochu’- O my friend,my childhood,do you remember that window in our grandfather’s room? From which we looked out at little itsy bitsy stories. We saw a lot, learnt little.’

Capturing Maqbool’s picturesque memory of ‘An earthen pot on a cot under the roof from which a silent lantern hangs ,a book below the pillow opened to page fourteen,a trunk of tin with two pairs of clothes,a dirty coloured blue shirt of a man,a broken chain from a bicycle,a velvety orange scarf,bamboo flute and a ring wrapped in fuchsia kite paper ’, to quoting Fida’s philosophy of, ’Modern art being a joyful labyrinthine of the fact that it gives the onlooker the right to perceive it with his own view and nature. Modern art’s nature is not royal but democratic. It looks like royalty; its lines proclaim self respect and its colours are luminous with pride.’

The book encases the very essence of Husain ,sketching out the artist’s meteoric rise from painting cinema hoardings to producing art cinema featuring his muse,Bollywood’s queen bee Madhuri Dixit in whom he envisioned his mother, his museum at Ahmedabad-Ahmedabad ni Gufa.While no one in the world can paint horses better than Husain,his favourite ride were bicycles.His cycle stuti philosophy read thus-’A cycle’s seat is a man’s head, handles two hands, pedals are feet, the boy (himself) sits on the carrier behind ,riding it seems as if the entire cycle is in his lap, or the boy is in the lap of the cycle. It can’t be said who is caring for whom cuddling the other in his lap.’

It enlightens the reader in the artists own words, about humble beginnings within Indore’s ‘naalawalu makaan’,to the cheeky ‘Bapuni shaadi ma beto diwaano’,from the nostalgic ’Dadanu achkan’ to joy filled ‘Vadodrani boarding school’ where his teacher helped him enact a Persian couplet-

‘Kasbe kamaalkun ki azeezat jahaan shavi/Kasbe kamaal niyarjad azeezey mann’-

‘One who has cultivated proficiency in arts and crafts is loved by all. But one lacking in those skills can never ever win hearts.’

A lesson that India’s finest artist preached not only in his life but also in death.