TAXED BY INCOME IN TAPI TOWN


So you thought that life in Lalaland was a bed of roses, eh? Well, well well, not really and certainly not in the last few days of March.

These are difficult days, with even more difficult words, poor rich lalas can’t even pronounce them properly –perquisite, deficits, assets, assessments, disclosures etc.

You see, too much of anything is never a good thing. Post the dreaded Ides of March, its show time of a different kind, when more profits might mean more loss, for a change.

No matter how much a Lala is troubled by these days of the year, year after year, it still turns out to be the same story for him.

The officers in charge have to complete a set target and every lala in town fears he and his company might be it- the flavour of the month of March.

He has to pull up his socks a little higher, mug up quick ways of explaining his tax exemption theory, how he made hay from tax free agricultural income, how he escaped paying taxes in the name of his spouse and children, how he believes in’ philanthropy begins at work’, when the officers discover the accounts in names of various employees and their family members and be answerable to all the magic bonds that he used to pocket a few rupees more, rather than part with them.

If there is anyone who is closest and most supportive to the Lalas during the month of March, it is, no, not the spouse or the other woman in his life, it’s his CA= Chartered Accountant.

The ‘see a CA’ theory is what gives the Lala some relief, if any and you will often find him cozying up more with his CA ,than his wife in the evenings .

Lalas and their tactful CAs communicate in the language of love-‘pyaar and dil’, err… make that PR and Deal. Both share a ‘deal ka rishta.’

Here is an example of what text messages between the two may read like-

Lala-Deal deke dekho.
CA-Hum deal de chukey sanam.

Lala-Isharo isharo mein deal leney waley, bataa tuney hunar ye seekha kahaan se?
CA-Jab PR kiya toh darna kyaa, PR kiya koi chori nahi ki.

Lala-Deal diya, dard liya?
CA-Deal apna aur treat parayi.

To make things worse, there is tattle within the CA circle that last minute raids in March will be carried out, so as to not give an opportunity to plan.

Officers meanwhile are pointing out ,how Lalas and Co are gaining advantage points by smart play .Figuring their ways out from taxing times ,with TOING theory-“Tax on income no ghotalo.”

It seems the fables and theories put forward each year are getting funnier and more entertaining by the year.

First timers on duty in Surat are amused at how naïve the Surti lala and his CA seem to take department to be.

Who knows, with the Surti fetish for classes to acquire new skill, we might soon have a private ‘dodge your dread session’, by appointment only.

Be rest assured, Lalas wont mind paying dearly for this one.

THE COLOUR OF MONEY IS BLACK AND WHITE, HONEY!
Last year, a guest from Mumbai, was shocked out of his bank balance! Here’s why-- He purchased a television for his parents from a prominent electronic store in Surat and the shop keeper said,’ Sorry sir, we do not have a credit card machine!’ ‘What kind of money do you people carry around here?’ he asked me amazed because the said television model was for an amount that ran in five high figures.’ The black kind’, I answered jokingly, but turns out that it’s true! Solid Surtis are always Liquid cash rich-here is why-
Surat-The land of the Lalas, always has been associated with Diamonds, Textiles, Property and Trade. Money talks here and how!’Maal=Golmaal’ everything is available here if you can afford the tag, School admissions and top official ranks, licence for thrills and forbidden lands. Anything illegal is no problem, being rich here is your claim to fame and buying out the opposition is the name of the game. The Surti Lala racks his brains around the clock, to make sure his path is clear of any legal blocks.

‘Laundry Service’ in Laladom would actually mean conversion of black money to white.
‘Solid hai toh Liquid hai! --Whether it’s Gold, foreign currency, property, stocks and shares, world wide travel stamps on the passports, or a fleet of fancy cars, you name it and Surtis have it. Most Surtis do not need to swipe their credit cards for any of the above because they have enough cash that is unaccounted for, which can get them whatever they wish for. Hence, nothing is out of reach for the deep pocketed Surti.

‘Cash hai toh ash hai!’ ’-- Surtis have innovative ways of using their extra bucks; here is how their money works….
While most other cities around us would kick up a storm against inflation, corruption, violation of consumer rights, we almost take pride in practicing the same. Impossible school norms, flexible traffic rules, erratic working schedules are followed routinely. Pollution of water, air, land, every and any kind is legal here if you have the money to buy it. The other Indians from Punjab, Rajasthan, Bengal and Madhya Pradesh have migrated here to make that quick buck and so when in Surat, they too do as the Surtis do.

‘Moolah Mantra’--It does not matter if your money is black or white, in Surat it is your ticket to the quickest route on the top rung of the social ladder. Money may not buy you culture or style, but here it surely gets you a million smiles.Surat is often accused for not having any infrastructure for education, culture or medicine. The simple reason for that is that ‘Mara Whalah Surti Lalas’ think that they can always buy the same when needed. So though our growth as a progressive town shows wonders, are basic infrastructure remains a big blunder.

‘Ay, Kya Bolta Tu?’--The next time you happen to hear a conversation in Surat that involves the words’kala key dhola?’I.e.black or white? It might not be a T.V or hair or clothes that are being discussed; chances are that it’s the colour of money, honey.

Anyways, to get back where we started from, keeping up with good marketing strategy, in true Surti style, the above mentioned store ran an advertisement a week later and it proclaimed just one line-------------------’we accept all credit cards.’