BOOTLEGGING AND BOOKLEGGING..............
Now that Gin, Jinnah and Johnny walker have been banned from striding into Gujarat, the prohibition act will need fresh amendments. It’s not Fanaa....err funny.

If Union minister for micro enterprises in the state-Dinsha Patel is accusing Modi of trying to gain ‘cheap publicity’ by banning book only in Gujarat and that Sardar being a national hero, it should be banned in the entire country, then, isn’t Bapu also the father of the nation? We really need to rethink our booze book prohibition acts.

Jaswantji is now getting back by singing Faiz Ahmed Faiz’s,’Mujhse pehli si mohobbat mere mehboob na maang, maine samjha tha ke tu hai toh darakshaan hai hayat, tera gham hai toh gham-e- dahr ka jhagda kyaa hai..... to Advaniji, looks like the lotus is in for a mucky mudslinging session ahead.

Meanwhile, Surtis are excited by this new prohibition. Shady stories are doing the rounds as to how book legging will be the next big business in Gujarat. With the Mallya impressed desi king of gud times, Dagri now absconding, a new breed of entrpeuners may arise.

Saturday evening, I got a hush hush sms from a very rich and very spoilt friend of mine. It read’U R invited to a Surti smuggling- Pirates of the Arabian party, B there or B square!’Luckily, it had no eye patch dress code mentioned and so I decided to give it a shot.

The previous ‘pirates of the Arabian’ that Surat has ever experienced was in the 17th century, when Captain Thomas Best defeated the Portuguese at the battle of Swally [now Suvali] and thus was born the Indian navy, formerly known as The Honourable East India Company’s Marine.

Our government still follows a futile custom of keeping the excise and customs officers on a special night duty to watch out for smugglers who might enter through the silted Tapi river, whats more, it even pays the officers involved overtime.So,I was wondering what the theme in question was about...
Upon reaching the party, I was pleasantly surprised by the invitees. Instead of the usual snooty socialites, were serious looking gentlemen sitting in a semi circle, involved in deep conversation.
Harish Upadhiwala, the well known lawyer [now on strike] stated, ‘This is a very serious matter, you may read it online, get it couriered via an N.R.I, get it faxed by a friend from Mumbai ,have it read out by your relative in Delhi, but if you are caught, you will be in jail.

Munnabhai MBBS fumed,’Bapu ne kaha tha ,independant raho,a phir bhi ye Gujaratwalo ko booze aur books dono ke liye dusre sheher pe dependant rehna padta hai! Abhi Sardar Patelji kaun they malum pada.Bole toh picture bananeyka.

Raman Batlo smirked,’ema hun! Chopri ni upar batli, batli ni upar chopri .santadiney lavani.’
Upon which my friend said,’ Forget it guys; I have decided to just call the honourable C.M., to lend me his copy, which he read and decided to ban the book.

Tapi town tattle-Pokhran -2 =sursuriyu?

Dearest lokladila SRK,
Kem cho bhai? My maiden surname is Patel, naam toh suna hoga? Man!!! We are samdukhias!!! Did you know that what you have recently gone through at Newark is something we all go through? So sad, that the immigrant officers did not know the ‘Baazigar’ that you are and that all of India is your ‘Deewana’ .Imagine!! even after we welcomed Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt with a ‘Dil aashna hai’attitude,they thought you were some kind of ‘Don’ or ‘Duplicate’; but I am so happy you braved it like a true ‘Fauji’ and did not show the slightest’Darr’.
Going to ‘Pardes ‘has become a pain for us too but kya karey,’ Dil toh pagal hai.’like you said, it’s the N.R.I.s ki,’ Mohabbatein ‘that takes us there.’ Ram jaaney’ what will be the ‘Anjaam’ of this incident which is now a big political ’Paheli’.
The ‘Trimurti’ gang is saying this was a mere publicity stunt, that you are doing some ’One two ka four ‘to show your ‘Shakti-the power’, Salman bhai is saying that its nothing new, they keep doing this with every ’Karan Arjun’ and’ Billu’! Well, what to do, life is a big ‘Circus’ and it has ‘Kabhi khushi kabhi ghum.’
In spite of the fact that we dress up like ‘Raju ban gaya gentleman’ when we travel,’Phir bhi dil hai Hindustani’, so we carry our thepla, ghooghra and chakris and get into trouble.
First, they used to call us dot heads because of our bindis, but after Madonna showed the ‘English babu, desi mem ‘look; now they don’t.
Don’t they realise humko bhi,’ Kuch kuch hota hai’ and we want to ‘Chak de’ when they ask us stupid questions like ‘do u know anybody here? I always reply,’Kabhi haan kabhi naa’.
Last year we went for a ‘Dilwaley dulhaniya ley jayengay’ceremony but they turned the groom into a ‘Devdas’ by saying ‘your passport says your name is Jignesh but you are saying its Jignace!!!’’Hey Ram’! What to do?
Am ‘Dil se ‘saying ‘King Uncle’, only a ‘Chamatkar ‘can make them understand’Oh darling yeh hai India!’ view point.
Can you say ‘Main hoon na’ and convince them that ‘Hum tumhare hain sanam’? Like you succeeded in crossing borders in ‘Veer Zara’.
The Kolasana Patel samaj, in Dallas, has held a havan for ‘Om shanti Om’on the matter and has requested you to ‘Kabhi alvida na kehna’ because of this incident, even though you have returned to ‘Swades’ and are saying you do not feel like stepping on U.S. soil again. We love your ‘Josh ‘and ‘Har dil jo pyar kareyga ‘attitude.
’Chalte chalte’, we only wish to say since you are the ‘Badshah’ of your business, and Fox Star will not have any trouble distributing ‘My name is Khan’ in the U.S.A now, will you be our ‘Saathiya’, and plan a sequel, ‘My name is Patel’, it would surely be a ‘Rab ne bana di jodi’match to make our trips easier.

FLU INFLUENCED MASK APPEAL.....
All the characters in the following article are real and bear every resemblance to who you think they are.

Last weekend, I was invited to a strange gathering. The self appointed, down the road dress designers of Tapi town had held an urgent meeting. The P.S. read,’ since you never pay us any attention, make sure you attend because this is a very serious social matter. ‘

As Swine flu had made sure I drop my travel plans, I had nothing better to do. Letting curiosity get the better of me, I braved the fashion meet.

Three of Surat’s popular tailors Ms.Metoo Kumar, Ms.Neata Khulla and Mr.Fahid Kapoor, had got together to make the Surtis aware of the dangers of swine flu. The purpose of the meet was to promote ‘designer masks’ and thus encourage the junta to take precautions against the same. Here are their presentations-

Ms.Metoo Kumar-Ladies and gentlemen, putting aside all my important orders and assignments, I have decided to contribute my precious time towards making designer masks for our fashion conscious crowd. Keeping in my mind the upcoming Navratri season, here is my line of masks-I have used bandhni, cowries, mirror spangles and bead work to enhance its look. I shall be using the cloth cut out from backless cholis to make the masks and thus recycle, with less wastage. You may mix and match your outfits for all nine days or opt for a single multi coloured one. Group orders are welcome.

Ms.Neata Khulla-Hello sweeties and the not so sweeties ha ha ha! As you all know, the N.R.I’s are always gaga over my designs. So, I have included leather, lace and Swarovskis to my signature styles. Talks are also on for fur and diamond studded custom made creations, for the exclusive, one of a kind type. A lot of Bollywood heroes and heroines are contacting me desperately but I want to serve the Surtis first. You may want to put sunglasses on before viewing my dazzling pieces.Whats more Rs.50 from each purchase will be donated to a good cause by my company, come help make the town better.

By then, the hall was buzzing with excitement.’ I saw models walking the ramp with swine flu masks in the news yesterday,’ said a pretty young thing,’ but they were just wearing boring white masks, nothing this fancy.’

Then, it was Fahid Kapoor’s turn, he looked grave as he said,’Friendf and refponfible citizenf of Furat.Thif if fo fhocking! We are not here to promote fafhion; we are here to promote awareneff.Af we all know, fwine flu if commonly fpread out in crowded placef, fo, the mafkf for the fame fhould alfo be common. I am going to fimply put an emblem depicting the mood of the perfon wearing it.Fmilef for people in authority, profanity for fhort tempered furtif etc.
Unfortunately, no one took him seriously, but I hear the former two got bulk and corporate orders.
Tapi town tattle-America discovers Shah Rukh Khan.

MAD MAN’S TRIANGLES-SURTI STUFFINGS.............
Lest the title scares you, bringing to mind some eerie place like the Bermuda triangle, let me assure you, in Surat, weird names mostly stand for its people or food.
Little did Akshay Kumar know, when he gallantly sang out ‘Jab tak rahega samose mein aalu, tera rahunga o meri Shalu’, that Surti samosas have anything but potatoes in them.
Dough wrapped fried dumplings are very popular in Tapi town. Our Ghanchi and Khatri brothers and sisters excel in conjuring up innovative delights to make the same a pleasure on the palate.
Discover tastes that will tickle your taste buds..........
‘Fataka’ is what gram dal samosas are better known as in Surat. Sautéed with mint, ginger-chilli paste and onions this Surti speciality is available in three different degrees of spice levels.One is a mild, sober taste, the other with a sweet base of raisins while the third is all out on slurplicous spice . Chana dal samosas are sell outs at Nanavat-Gandabhai’s samosas who is the ace of the base in this field since ages; Jain samosas are also a variety popularly sold here.A smaller, milder version of the same are available outside the Syndicate bank, Salabatpura. On Kotsafil Road, above Jyoti plywood, a home run business caters to regulars who buy raw or semi fried versions of these triangular treats.

Bhamardiwala at Khangar Sheri, Salabatpura has the ‘Mastery’, as Surtis put it, in preparing succelent Suran [yam] samosas. Amongst the few who do so in town, it’s a task rarely practised. Yam is first grated, washed and then dried, later sautéed with dry, hot spices and green chilli to make a filling that resembles and tastes like mutton kheema. By the way, mutton samosas are also a speciality prepared to order and unlike the heavy, fried variety available at Chowk, in the by lane that leads to Sonifalia and Sardar museum,Bhamardiwala’s sell a ready to fry version that can be relished hot at home.

At Bibiniwadi, Syedpura, green pea samosas -tempered with curry leaves, cashews, cottage cheese and desiccated coconut are an exotic tropical flavoured filling. Made exclusively by the oil pressers, the Ghanchi community, it is a spicy -sweet delight amidst flaky plain flour pastry.

Innovative stuffings like soybean, sautéed Chinese vegetables and cottage cheese chewies have enthusiastic takers at Anand Mahal Road, near Prime Arcade. The samosa Pattis for these are made from whole-wheat flour.

Suburban Surtis meanwhile, relish the scrumptious taste of Rachna‘s tasty treats at Ghoddod road. The most expensive in their league , the cheese samosas are an exclusive variety from a secret recipe that was handed down from a home in Singapore, by a Surti N.R.I. Also available here are Mexican samosas packed with bean, corn and spring onions.
Surti samosas vary in crispiness according to their shells- from chewy, crispy to gritty.
Pyramid like savouries that now have a commercial existence, originally prepared by experts, within kitchens of Surti homes.

Tapi town tattle-Swine Flu-Kamina fever.

BUDDY BATEIN, BOLLYWOOD ISHTYLE......................
Take a look at your right wrist......if there is no smiley face, bright band or fancy dangler there, then you have been a fuddy duddy and missed ‘Friendship day.’

The westernised version of Krishna Sudama bonding is now marketed with such euphoria that it swept Surat with friendship fervour.

The young and the young at heart of Tapi town celebrated ‘dosti day’ with much chutzpah. In true Surti spirit, everyone was expressing ‘yaaron dosti badi he haseen hai’ in their own ishtyle, with related Bollywood numbers-

The biker gangs braved crater ridden Surti streets and va va vroomed on their mean machines singing ‘Yeh dosti hum nahi todengey, todengey dum magar tera saath na chhodengey’,though the models of their two wheelers are fancier than the one in Sholay,the depth of their feelings was as strong, if not stronger.

Salesmen at various stores organised the Sale season to coincide with the celebration and were heard singing out,’humse tum dosti karlo, yeh haseen galati karlo’, tempting shopaholics with their wares and wears. Inviting them to come and blow off their budget, for bargains that sounded too good to be true.

Our happy and gay crowd spent a serene evening at their usual hangout behind Gandhibaug. As they held hands on the riverside benches and looked out at the Tapi, they soulfully sang,’baney chahey dushman zamaana yeh saara, salamat rahey dostana hamara,’oblivious to the outer world, cocooned in their own.

Rich and flamboyant Surtis were seeing wooing and promising their pretty young friends,’aaja inn hawao mein uthake ley chalu tuh he toh meri dost hai,’with the promise of a Rs. 24 lakh membership for 200 hours of flying a Cessna, at the flying club that is soon to begin at Surat’s airport. Never mind if the club does not take off in future, at least their friendship will, for now.

The ‘Hic! Happy’brigade paid no attention to the hooch tragedy and celebrated the day in high spirits as usual, gloriously singing aloud,’jahaan char yaar mil jaye wahi raat ho gulzar, mehfil rangeen jame’,since it was a Sunday, it was easy to mingle into the crowd without raising eyebrows of doubt.

Hooch makers in the meanwhile are trying their best to cajole authorities to renew old friendship by hopefully humming,’kehdo ke tum mujhse dosti karogey, kehdo keh tum mere dil mein rahogey,’unfortunately for them,the next line in the song goes,’dekhungi,sochungi ,kal parso jawab dungi,’ and the team in question seems to be answering just that.

The first Sunday of August has been a harbinger of the festive times ahead. Surtis celebrated yesterday with colourful thread bands, plastic rings, diamond studded anklets, platinum bracelets, gold necklaces, yellow flowers, delicious chocolates and the works.

If you missed out on doing the same yesterday, DO NOT try to do it today, a trendy teen has informed me that today is enemy day, a day to sing ’dushman na karey dost ne woh kaam kiya hai.’

Tapi town tattle-Return of the tax filing frenzy.