SALIENT FEATURES OF FIFA 2010

As the FIFA fervor has now bid us adieu and the war of words between overdressed saas-bahu serials will return to family drawing rooms, it will sadly be time for some predictable monotonous drama once again.

Surtis who love to comment while watching stuff whether it’s the television screen or the silverscreen, will be silenced by the ‘dukhi atmas’ of the idiot box who always seem to be in doldrums.

Here are some salient features of FIFA 2010, as pointed out by Surtis around Tapi town, in random order-

“Vuvu jhela”

“Watte ae sott”

“First time any host country has been eliminated in the first round.”

“Aa who karey chey? (What are you doing?)”

“Oh pelaa Nicholas Anelka ne suspense kari nakhyo!”(The said player was suspended)

“I love David Beckham; hope they show more of him.”

“Maar, maar o jaldi maaaaaaar!”(Hit, hit o hit it quickly!)

“Vuvuzelas are horny trumpets”

“This is not a gentleman’s game.”

“Aa Drogba ni hairstyle haari chey, holvij na padey! (Drogba’s hairstyle is cool, needs no combing)

“O maar!........benna!@# %$&*()!!!!! Aa baaju thee marvanu hatu (errr……you should have hit it from this side)

“Where are the cheerleaders?”

“May we watch India-Bangladesh, Asia cup match?”

“Ricardo Izecson dos Santo Leite-Aa bhai nu naam kaka chey te haaru chey (good he is called kaka)

‘Jabulani’- koi Sindhi bhai ae ball banvyo chey? (Has some Sindhi brother manufactured it?)-

“Farigayo, farigayo aakho farigayo” (the ball has fully turned around)

“Brazil was the only country to have played in every world cup final till now”

“Vuvuzelas have been banned in the Wimbledon”

“Brazil nu crowd bau fine chey, nai?”(Brazilian crowd is very good, no?)

“Aa Paul punter laagey che” (Paul looks like a better)

“Don’t forget, official mascot was Zakumi-the green and yellow leapord.”

“Ronaldo is sooooooo cute!”

“My favourite part is when they exchange tees at the end.”

“So, they have never had cheerleaders?”

“Gonzalo Higuain ae tron marya” (hat trick)

“You think Dhoni’s boys must have beat Bangladesh?”

“Aa Denmark no Daniel Agger patli badlu niklo! (Has changed sides)

“Su mast disco jevo national anthem chey! (Their national anthem sounds like disco music.)

“Bet that Joachim Loew lost his baggage.”

“Paul is an octopus vulgaris.”

“Klose patigayo, red card maligayo.”(Klose is finished, has been given a red card)

“I was supposed to travel to South Africa but I don’t want to miss the Asia cup finals.”

“You think they might think about having cheerleaders in the future, if everybody insists?”

“Vuvuzelas above 100 decibels have a Saudi fatwa against them and are banned in the UAE.”

“We should hire Paul to predict Indo-Pak matches.”

“Bhaag, jaldi bhaaaaag “(run, run fast)!

“!@%$#^&&%&*()_+&&^%$$!!!!!!(BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP)

“England’s football team is as over rated as Indian cricket team.”

“Soneri boot koney makshey?”(Who will get the golden boot?)

“Maximum goals were saved by the crossbar this year.”

“Sigh! Good bye Villa”

“How I wish Paraguay had won, at least there would have been one cheerleader!”

OCTOPUS ORACLES –Why Paul should pick India.

Now that Paul’s pappu has been passed, following Joachim Loew’s labour lost, Germany for certain would want nothing to have to do with its prized celebrity, once a soothsayer, now a tentacled terror.

With his prediction for a Spain win itself, this prophet’s fate was sealed. In a catch 22 situation, he was all set to be fried, had his choice of clam been proven wrong.

Had they emerged winners, maybe the German’s would have spared him out of joy, maybe not. Fact remains though, that it’s ‘suddenly Paul’ season.

While my animal lover friend from Bangalore sent a text to join the ‘save Paul and adopt him as a pet ‘campaign, I hear animal rights activists want to know if Paul is getting his dues along with all the undue media attention. They also want to know who will be handling the international star’s Face book and Twitter accounts, lest his feelings are hurt.

Unlike the Euro 2008, where a partial Paul had wrongly predicted Germany to win against the same opponent -Spain, but the latter had conceded a win, co incidentally by the same stats-1-0; Paul’s predictions have scored a straight 6 on 6 this FIFA 2010 season.

Needless to say, with a 100% record like that, this octopus‘s face value is far more than that of Joachim’s unwashed Blue tee, which, as we all know is sure to raise a stink now.

With no real particular football stars living upto their image as spectacular sportsmen this world cup, seems like this eight legged invertebrate might just end up laughing all the way to the tank, in his bubbly spirit.

Last heard, Gujarat’s great gambler-Gaman Aekko (alias aflatoon’s) call was intercepted while he was having a quick word with Mumbai’s bookie Galabhai Shana. They were in a heated discussion regarding when they should put up an on line bid for Paul the player.

Word in the ‘shhh circle’ is that talks are on between our top international khiladi (no relation to Lalit Modi, mind you) and Germany to lower boxes that contain a flag of India and Germany each with some fine food fare in Paul’s think tank and watch the one that Paul picks.

In a country where yagnas are held for a cricket match win, parrot card readers predict fall of governments, and multi coloured stones enhance star value, Paul seems to be on the hot list of all punters.

The crawly psychic can choose our motherland and live the life of a prince, to be pampered for life. We might rename him Sant shri Pappu baba, have a temple in his name and even get him a missus on the side-an ‘octopussy ‘, so to say, a la Bond .( Paul was born a British)

Or, he could choose his fatherland and end up as the ultimate German gourmet meal. Just like the fate of the Germans in FIFA this year, either which way, the choice is his.

So, what say Paul? Are you game?