TAPI TOWN’S TELLY TALES.........
Yesterday, while browsing through some gadgets at an electronic goods shop, I ran into Toral aunty, better known as Telly aunty for her ‘I love television’ fame.
‘Hello aunty, how is it going?’ I inquired in my polite tone.
Her face was clouded darker than the present Surti skies,’ Hello dear, dont’ ask, am here to buy a new remote. I broke my old one in anger’
Knowing just how much she loved to channel surf, curiosity got the better of me and I bravely inquired,’ what happened?”
‘I am very upset with these reality shows,’ she huffed,’ they should be shooting all of these in Surat.’
Upon seeing my eyes pop in disbelief, she challenged me,’ Go ahead, name any and I will tell you why.
I for once, was at a loss of words.Then, recollecting the flavours of the month discussed by my friends, I mumbled,’Rakhi ka swayamvar.’with little nerve.
‘Oh! RKS?,’said the expert, ‘you know the obvious winner for that, from day one, was the Gujju N.R.I., if at all she does marry. Well instead of wasting all their time and money, they should have come to Surat with the show, after all every year, we get scores of N.R.I boys who come seeking suitable spouses here. It would have shot to instant International fame, with Indian contestants from all over the world.’
This was going to be tough; I realised and after a thought asked, ‘What about Sach ka saamna? That has run into trouble in the Parliament?
‘Sweetheart, do you not know that Surtis are known to be a profane and promiscuous lot? Forget just the questions; had they shot it with Surtis, even the answers would be scandalous enough to rock the government.’
Not one to accept defeat easily, I threw in my trump card Ace,’Iss jungle se mujhe bachao!’
The serial specialist guffawed on my face,’ That is the easiest one, bachha! Our suburbs have turned into concrete jungle with swirling gutter water swamps; our drinking water has the stench of DDT powder and toxic enough to kill fish, we have poisonous snakes slithering at the airport and musical recitals by frogs, grasshoppers and crickets in our traffic islands, road dividers and gardens, flies buzzing within our drawing rooms and we often face fatal bites from troops of mosquitoes .Cholera, dengue, filaria, falciferum, dysentery ,chikungunia,you name we have it......as if that was not enough, we even have human predators! I hope the rascals are given capital punishment soon.....come on it doesn’t get worse than this even in actual jungles!
That did it, now her face and mood were even darker than before. Just as I was getting ready to scamper off, petrified that I was, I gathered strength to ask one last question,’ why then, are you buying a new remote, aunty?”
The clouds cleared instantly and beaming through her bright smile, she proudly stated,’ it’s for Surat’s saving grace on national T.V.Our dancing queen Ritu Gupta is hot stepping her way to towards the finals.
Tapi town tattle-Eclipse eclipsed!

SURAT NU GRAHAN KASHI MA PRASANN...............
For the first time in the history of mankind, the eyes of the entire world were set on Surat. Declared as the first place in the Universe that would experience the century’s total solar eclipse, the city was all set to shine when the Sun would hide.
The respected chief minister was calling out from hoardings around town; beckoning one and all to celebrate the celestial sighting. Dressed in the colour theme of the Sun and Moon [maybe he was hopeful of a Junagadh victory that would have called for a double celebration.]
Following instructions the SMC conjured up a magical, musical evening on the eve of the event at the indoor stadium which was open to all who cared to come visit, the Chamber of commerce networked to spread the good word and school children and teachers were informed to take time out from their tiresome schedule and report attendance at the airport instead.
The honourable CM, who hoped to be the star of the show, was to drop in for an hour at the newly equipped airport that now boasts of ILS-Instrumentation landing system. An LCD, airshow, flower shower, live commentary from scientists, you name it, the state had arranged for it all. Precious Solar viewer goggles that all Surtis seemed to seek in the past few days had been arranged as party favours for all guests.
But unfortunately, what was to be a hot and happening party, turned out to be a damp squib instead. The clouds played party poopers and it was a dark dawn with a no show. The disheartened CM decided at 5 a.m, that since the Sun was not willing to turn up, nor would he. Surtis were left in the lurch.
All the hustle bustle in town along with the chirping of the birds went into an eerie silence as dawn turned to twilight zone. Even as the world observed Surat plunge into darkness on international television, Surtis had no vision to boast about.
Although NASA had forewarned against the same and declared Teragana as the perfect place for eclipse sighting, it seemed that the ‘made in China’ pictures would, as usual outsell the Indian ones.
But voila! That was not to be and Surat’s mythical partner in piety-‘Surat nu jaman aney Kashi nu maran ‘, Varanasi, came to the rescue. Well, the rest is history, what more can be said other than, ’Surat nu grahan, Kashi ma prasann.’

ABC OF SURTI SIGHTSEEING.........
Now that the entire world has discovered where Surat lies on the map, we Surtis are expecting a whole load of tourists to visit Tapi town and perceive the Sun god’s hide and seek act.
A usual dilemma many Surtis face and complaint about is that ‘there is no place in Surat to take visitors to.’ Well, fret no more, read on to plan a city tour –
A Airport- that awaits more flights, also for Athwagate that has an aeroplane which does not fly.

B Bazaars- Bhagal, Chowk, Chauta, Khand etc., which have different strokes for different folks.

C Chintamani Jain temple, an outstanding example of carved craftsmanship that has its miniature replica in the London museum.

D Dutch cemetery at one end and Dumas beach at the other.

E Eiffel tower, a mini wonder.

Flyovers that network all over town.

G Gopipura, Golwaad and Ghoddod road, each with individual history.

H Hazira home to industrial giants.

I Indoor stadium for its magnitude, Iskon mall for shopaholics.

JJamunanagar for Gardens and walkways.

K Katargam- hub of embroidery trade, Kargil Chowk for eventful evenings.

L Libraries- Andrews, Narmad, Gandhi Smruti,Nagindas .

M Mogul Sarai, the ancient tavern that now houses the offices of the SMC.

N Navapura- the oldest Mahalakshmi temple, Nanpura - oldest bakery and garden.

O Ovaras, the river bank ghats in town - navdi, patali, furja, paanch pandav and also ghanta ovaro behind Kasturba baug that has a huge bell, a measure for flood levels.

P Pandesara hums 24/7 with the textile buzz.

Q Surat’s Qilla that has become a ‘spilts villa’ where government offices and the forestry department function.

R Ring road and Rajmarg, two of our busiest business streets also for Rang upvan one of India’s largest amphitheatre and Rander for ancient mosques and Jain temples.

S Station, the connectivity that the city thrives on, Sardar Patel museum, Suvali beach-the gateway to India for Britishers, Sarthana zoo.

T Tapi, the Sun god’s daughter, one of the 3 rivers in India that runs from East to West.

U Universities VSNGU, SVR, SVNIT and Udhna a paradise for our labour clan.

VVarachha, where the world’s best stones turn to sparkling prisms.

W Weir cum causeway that runs over the Tapi at Singanpor and offers a ‘view to a spill’.

X Xavier’s, voted the best state board school for 2009.Home to cricket, basketball, tennis, karate, yoga activities in the evenings.

Y Yarn markets, the base from which we rule the man made textile market.

Z Zhampa bazaar, beyond the clock tower, the much sought after meat market for non vegetarians and fancy lace market for vegetarians.

To top that, each area has a special Surti dish to go with it where B is for Bhusu, G is for Ghari, K is for Khaja, L is for Locha khaman, P is for Ponk, R is for Rangooni paratha, U is for Undhiyu...

Welcome to Suryapur-city of the Sun.

TAPI TOWN TATTLE Land of the hiding Sun.

HOOCH HIKING IN TAPI TOWN.....................
As Gujarat’s news shame and its worst kept secret come to fore, the state, it seems is divided in two kinds of people.
The first kinds are the social drinkers, who enjoy their alcohol in a stately ambience, guzzling from fancy cut glasses that rattle with cubes of machine made ice. Sipping on either single malts, chardonnays or chilled fizzy beer, Russian vodka or the flavour of the month Bacardi. With starters and hot nibbles from an up market restaurant down the road. With music and conversation flowing along with the booze. Maybe a little dancing or, a lot more, if they get lucky.

The second kinds are those who are labelled drunkards or ‘darudias’. Their day ends with sipping a hazy white coloured fluid from a dirty plastic potli that reeks of rotten fruit and chemicals. This is the liquid that gives them an instant high, not for them any fancy bottled stuff [no, Mr.Mallya, that won’t work] or even the Rs.40.’quarteriu’that requires soda or water but is not even half as potent. Food is the last thing on their mind because the shot of this sharab zaps their senses till they are ready for the next. Anyone trying to even initiate a conversation would be sure to get a hearing of the choicest profanity.

Surat is certainly no exception when it comes to this divide. As most social conversations revolve around the headlines of the week, majority of suburban Surtis looked at the hooch issue indifferently, stating it is not an issue that concerned them,’’kuch bhi peetey hai toh aisa hi hota hai’, ’ae loko ne koi fark nahi padey’.’Yeh sab slum area mein hee hota hai.’
Well dearies, the truth of the matter is ‘hooch hooch hota hai ‘is closer than we think, here is why-

I live at Parle Point, the area that is more notorious for snooty socialites than for illicit liquor but, at a distance of five minutes from my house is the Ambaji temple, the river banks alongside the same are often used as temporary breweries to concoct deadly brews.

As if that is not close enough, my toddlers masseur, a robust woman who comes in from Katargam has single handedly raised her three children not because she is a divorcee but because her husband spends all his earnings as a barber on the ‘potli’.

My housemaid, a pretty young twenty something, refuses to marry the love of her life because the rent of her home and ration are paid by her. Her father and brother are jobless [conveniently] and depend on her for their daily dose from Bapunagar.

My cook’s spouse is a teetotaller but her son in law often turns up at her place in Limda Chowk,asking for an ‘English batli’, for which she happily spends saying, ‘amara ma batli no rivaaj chey.

Lurking over our labourers, whether in Dumas, Bhimpore, Udhna Magdalla, Hazira, Bhatha, Dumbal, Machlipith, Varachha, Ved, Adajan, Pandesara, is ‘lattha ni lut’ the smooch of the hooch is much closer home than we think.

Tapi town tattle- Sakhi Mandal-Gujarat’s new AA group=Anti batli Aunties.

MICHAEL’S MAGIC, MONSOON’S MUSIC...................
Although I am not a great afficionado of Michael Jackson’s music, I completely agree with young tarang Madonna that his music will always live on. As skeletons fall out of the poor little rich pop star’s closet, it seems there are more scandals involved in his death than his life.

With due respect to the dear departed, I wish that people trying to rake up controversies would just ‘Beat It’ and start ‘Looking at the man in the mirror’.

Stop figuring out the ‘Black or White’ but instead tell his lovely children,’ You are not alone’.
Drop the,’ Bad’, ‘Don’t stop till you get enough ‘attitude and ‘Say say say’, to Michael, ‘The way you make me feel’, wanna,’Rock with you’.

So, to remember the man who made growing up in the 80’s a ‘Thriller’ and made every woman wish she was,’ Billie Jean’, let’s celebrate the rains in the way he best would- singing and dancing.
Its ‘barso re megha ‘and ‘tip tip barsa paani’ time, so, let’s have some,’Blood on the dance floor’.
1. Nostalgic? Visit the ‘navdi ovaro’, opposite ‘bahumaali’ and sail paper boats as you enjoy the sunset and sing ‘woh kagaz ki kashti ,woh baarish ka paani’,Jagjit Singh never fails to bring the tears down with the rain.

2. Limerence? Take your date for a sizzler treat to the revolving restaurant, watch the rain drizzle all over Surat as you sing,’rim zhim gire saawan, sulag sulag jaye mann’.R.D.Burman’s masterpiece for people falling in love.

3. Jubilant? Celebrate at the Katargam orphanage with cherubic charmers and cutie pie kids who will add to your joy. Organise a rain dance party and try to match their endearing steps to the beat of, ‘chak dhoom dhoom ‘from Dil toh pagal hai.

4. Enthusiastic? Try group dancing. Join a garba class [yes, they have begun] add Surti swing to Shankar Jaikishan classic,’barsaat mein humse mile tum sajan, tak dhina dhin’played to jhankaar beats.
5. Romantic? No better place to express it than on the bridges over Tapi as you swoon to the evergreen,’pyaar hua iqraar hua hai, pyar se phir kyun darta hai dil?’

6. Sentimental? Spend solitary moments reading at Narmad library. Carry your i-pod and listen to the soul stirring song by Fuzon,’saawan beeto jaiye......mora saiyyan,’as you browse through the books.

7. Blissful? Hire a hand cart; roam, jaywalk Dumas roads to,’aaj rapat jaye toh hamey na uthhaiyo’, Namak Halaal’s namkeen number.

8. Euphoric? Organise a cricket match at Lalbhai stadium, as the crowd cheers to Rahman’s ace from Lagaan,’ghanan, ghanan, ghir aye badra.’

9. Affectionate? The patio overlooking riverside lawns,’flow cafe’, Taj gateway, is just the place to sway to,’rum jhum, bheegi bheegi rut mein tum hum’, the 1942 Love Story way.

10. Passionate? Play safe,spend some special time with the love of your life on the terrace dancing to,’bheegi bheegi raaton mein,’

Whatever your mood is today, Surti, just ‘Remember the time’in Michael’s way, let the music play.

Tapi town tattle =Mumbai’s ‘see’link.