SHREKS AND THE CITY

America and the rest of the world is going gaga over the friendly monster Shrek, falling in love with the ugly ogre, who has a kind heart of gold.Shrek is derived from the German word Shreck which means fear and terror.

Reel life fairy tales hardly come true in real life. There are Shreks all around town and here is a girlie guide to recognize and handle the same-

Party Shreks-These are the ones with the shiny shirts and slinky hair who give dirty, hairy a different meaning (no, not Clint Eastwood, dear) and go,”Hey baby, want to go for a drive?” when the DJ is playing a sensitive, soulful number. They will keep smiling no matter what your facial expression portrays. You can get away with any rude reply, since this lot is certainly deaf and definitely not looking at your eyes while speaking, if you know what I mean. Be as mean as you can be.La belle dame sans merci.

Phone Shreks-Easily entertained, these are the ones who imagine there is a princess on the other end, especially so if they have accidentally dialed the wrong number, no matter if you actually are twice their age and thrice their size. All you need is a sweet voice and, you will have them at the first ‘Hello.’ They will be stupid enough to ask ‘who is this?’In spite of the fact that you just said, ‘wrong number.’ They will redial .Most likely lot to have a degree in nose wax moulding.Silence is the best answer for quick relief and save the number, for ‘no reply’ the next time.

Train/Plane Shreks-The over enthusiastic complete strangers, who smell like they just came out of Shrek swamp, who try to strike conversations out of the blue. It could be anything, the book you are reading, to where you are going; to what your i pod is playing. They will make sure they help you with heavy luggage whether or not you need their help, will be rude to the coolies /steward and, sugary sweet to the ticket checker air hostess, going,’ji saheb,yes ma’m’for no particular reason. They will also have a strong opinion on the Indian Railways, Airways, not that they do anything to make it any better. Ignore and avoid please.

Online/Office Shreks-The Gen next of the Ogre lot. Their vocabulary will consist of constant ‘lol’, ‘brb’ and they will type to you ‘wassup dudette?”.Their face book profile will be the display unit of how ‘cool’ they looked in the gym, at their reunion, at last New Years Eve etc.They will be passionate about football, basket ball and of course cricket. Since intellectual conversation will be too big a task to handle, for these ‘instant karmayogis’, you will be asked to take some kind of stupid online quiz so that they can know you better. Give no personal details, ever.

Pre marital Shreks-The handsome yet possessive insecure lot. They will want to know what you did from the time you woke up till you slept. They will want to decide what you wear, eat and whom you talk too. It’s not your fault; it’s just that they don’t believe in themselves. This kind normally turn into Post marital Shreks with lousy eating habits, a foul mouth , along with unending complaints .Run as fast and as far as you can.Because,only fairytales have happily ever after endings.

DREAM DATING DURING DANDIYA.............
Statistics show that in Gujarat, more people become a couple during Navratri than they do through any matrimonial institution, column or website. Everyone seems to be looking for someone during dandiyas, never mind if they already have someone by their side. Soul searching Surtis seem to be seeking the date of their dreams, their desires camouflaged by the colourful view.
Here is a sneak peek from last night, at Pandit Dindayal Indoor Stadium, where wishful matchmaking was on, in full swing, within and without the swirling circles-
Arty, kohl lined eyed boho chic; a Shanivari bazaar binger, looking for Kurta clad, college G.S.material types. Preferably with a stubble and knowledge of strumming the guitar to the tunes of Jimi Hendrix.
Rich lecherous Pandesara businessman, in printed polyester shirt that miserably failed to cover beer belly seeking a no strings attached [relationship, not blouse, silly!], pretty young thing; age no bar caste no bar, to help him get back ‘baugo mein bahaar hain ‘days, baar baar.
An elegant, strong minded, lonely divorced diva, Isckon mall shopaholic with great taste; loves men in uniform, err....barring the security agencies, of course. Searching for a well heeled boy who knows when and how to heel.
Old fashioned Surti Sheri garba lover; with vocabulary that could put the Aussies to shame and a degree in nose wax moulding, longing to get the number of English speaking modern girl, who can carry western outfits with as much as ease as she can make Gobi Manchurian.
Attractive, nimble footed, prize winner material, pretty gal. Well versed in Indian culture, sharp tongued, hoping to meet some rich, foolish, and good looking heir, with independent residence at Piplod area or a Dumas farmhouse.
Cute, Convent educated cheerleader type with pierced nose, crazy about fancy mobiles and fast bikes looking out for handsome gadget geek with accurate knowledge of PSP and Game boy, sporting long hair and lean looks. Sportsmen would be given extra preference.
Pasta fed, Burger king boy .With a passion for pets and daddy's fast cars flirting with the mousy looking ,freckle faced, intellectual girl with small waist, short hair and a penchant for ‘kaki ni pao bhaji and Binayak sandwiches’.
Cheeky grin dimpled cheeked, naughty eyed child woman, dreaming of finding a sensitive, well read gentleman. Should be able to quote Urdu poetry and appreciate the rains anytime of the year. Extra points if he has the finesse of Mr. Big, of Sex and the city fame.
Nattily dressed middle aged N.R.I, once married, now shy, man of few words but intense intentions, soon to launch new export label, shamelessly staring at voluptuous social butterfly.
Long haired Indian beauty, dressed in ethnic elegance. Bare back, barer arms, homemaker and yummy mummy, hoping the stud in tight tee and spiked hair will give her a second look on his way back from the coffee counter.
And just like that, within the suburban social circle, everyone who is someone in Tapi town was looking out for ‘the one’.
Tapi town tattle –Twitter jitter.